Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

Nightmare within Nightmare

Image

 

There is nothing like having a nightmare within a nightmare and awaking with a migraine thinking am I am still dreaming is this a nightmare? So you pinch yourself and it hurts, you walk around with fog on the brain, clouded eyes and you feel alone even when you have people around you. Welcome to my world.

In the picture above you see a fallen angel alone in a foggy forest with her head down. I relate because I walk with my head down afraid to trip or fall, alone even though there are 3 kids here full of joy and love, on a new medication for my migraines and yes I am fully awake. I don’t know what the first nightmare was about, but it was freaky as hell and the last one I was covered with bugs and spiders and those are 2 things I hate with a passion and 2 things that freak the shit out me! A nightmare wrapped in another nightmare…Wtf is wrong with me? I don’t know what normal is,but all I seek is relief, peace, joy and to smile again and by smile I want it radiate from the inside out not what you see now its a plastered on smile that if you really look you can see is fake and has no real meaning behind it. 

When I sought help all they kept asking was am I sucidial and the answer is NO. I am too afraid of cutting myself and from past expirences when I took pills I always woke up the next day so that has never worked for me so there is no need take that road again and on top of that I can’t leave my babies motherless… I know what its like to be fatherless and to have the hole in your heart and soul to never have it filled. Sure I had 2 great no awesome substitutes in my grandfather and uncle, but they are both dead now. So now that hole is dark, void, and empty… 

What’s left? Where do I go? What am I? Who am I now? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions and I suspect that I never will.