Nightmare within Nightmare

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There is nothing like having a nightmare within a nightmare and awaking with a migraine thinking am I am still dreaming is this a nightmare? So you pinch yourself and it hurts, you walk around with fog on the brain, clouded eyes and you feel alone even when you have people around you. Welcome to my world.

In the picture above you see a fallen angel alone in a foggy forest with her head down. I relate because I walk with my head down afraid to trip or fall, alone even though there are 3 kids here full of joy and love, on a new medication for my migraines and yes I am fully awake. I don’t know what the first nightmare was about, but it was freaky as hell and the last one I was covered with bugs and spiders and those are 2 things I hate with a passion and 2 things that freak the shit out me! A nightmare wrapped in another nightmare…Wtf is wrong with me? I don’t know what normal is,but all I seek is relief, peace, joy and to smile again and by smile I want it radiate from the inside out not what you see now its a plastered on smile that if you really look you can see is fake and has no real meaning behind it. 

When I sought help all they kept asking was am I sucidial and the answer is NO. I am too afraid of cutting myself and from past expirences when I took pills I always woke up the next day so that has never worked for me so there is no need take that road again and on top of that I can’t leave my babies motherless… I know what its like to be fatherless and to have the hole in your heart and soul to never have it filled. Sure I had 2 great no awesome substitutes in my grandfather and uncle, but they are both dead now. So now that hole is dark, void, and empty… 

What’s left? Where do I go? What am I? Who am I now? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions and I suspect that I never will.