Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

Today

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This is me today.. I sit in a dark room with dark sun glasses on typing this out… why you ask? When my wonderful yet loud kids awoke me at 9 am bouncing on my bed I had a horrid, head splitting, vise grip holding migraine.. I rushed to my office and took my new meds and then about 2 hours or so later took another pill (I can take up to 4 in one day) another 2 or 3 hours pass I take another pill (different Rx) another 2 hours pass I take 2 excedrine migraine and guess what at 5:08 pm (exact time it is now) my head still is in that same damm vice grip.. I have not washed dishes, or done anything except showered in the dark and fed, kissed and hugged my kids. I have put my head down on my desk with a towel over my eyes to block out what little light is coming in my office. My stomach is hurting all that I have eaten was breakfast sausage before giving it to my son to eat and a bag of chips and now I am eating tums as well. So go figure…. right?

On top of all of this the man that I love and the father of my kids, texts me and says that he didnt mean to call me a failure last night but he needs me to do more to turn him on to have sex. I told him have you not been listening to me – 1. I don’t like my body 2. I can’t shake this depression and it seems to be getting worse 3. If I don’t like who I am how in the hell do you think I am suppose to want to turn you on to f*ck or make love? 4. Yes you say I am sexy and beautiful and I thank you, but if I don’t feel it or see it then there is nothing  except try to fake it and right now I am really no good at that. 5. Today’s migraine on a scale of 1 to 10 is off the charts and NOTHING is helping especially this conversation.. I sit in my office crying from the pain and who knows what else… I express myself through pictures more than words when talkin to him and others because they can convey what I can not at times.

Today sucks ass and its not getting better…It sucks to be me

 

Today….

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Today I started Concordia University to get my masters in education. It is the only thing that has brought even a simbulance of a smile.Even though the days through my eyes are still grey and I barely feel like moving from this very spot there is still a small bright spot with me being in class and my kids running around the house.

I found this picture to be a very strong warrior type of woman  the kind of woman i USED to be and hope to be again someday.  I have yet again another migraine and it is affecting my mood and attitude. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take before I find other methods to feel relief. No worries I hate needles, cant stand to put anything in nose, to chicken to cut myself and I don’t drink often and I don’t do drugs. So I don’t what I can find for relief, but I will find something somewhere from someone.  Right now I guess I will just hold on to feeling about starting school and take my script for migraines that DO NOT work..I don’t even have appetite. Its almost 4 pm and I had to force myself to eat a bag of chips even then my son came and I gave them to him so I had maybe 5 chips out of it… UGGGG