Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

I don’t hate him, but I look at him with disgust

Tonight I looked at my husband and felt utter disgust not because I don’t love him bc I love him with all my heart and soul, but lives the life I can’t.  He gets to go outside and talk to others, see life, smell rain, go to Wednesday Bible study. For years I was never bothered because my kids were babies and they are still babies to me, but because they are too old for church day care and I can’t work outside the home my only human contact are my babies. Texting my rp twin sister, rp kids, brothers, my rl cousin here and there, my mom…and of course here in my bloggasphere. 

I can’t wait for school for my kids to start so that I can go to work during the day and talk to adults, smell rain, meet new ppl and actually miss my kids. Believe me when I say I gladly made the choice to be a SAHM and raise my kids because well I don’t trust ppl never have and I guess I never will, but at least with their teachers at school I can always drop in on the class, get my brother to pull a criminal report, talk to them at length and let them know what kind of mother I am and let them know their boundaries and to respect that line. Everyday I realize there is more to my depression than the death of my grams, and guilt of my uncle death years ago. The more I realize that is wrong with me the more I know that I need to talk to a specialist in this area because I am so sure that I am bipolar and clinically depressed, but of course I am no doctor and I need to go through my insurance to seek the help I need. I called a place called Longleaf here in the town where I live and they of course I was told that they can’t help me unless I am danger to myself or someone else. I am not sucidial or dangerous and was told that I need to talk to psychologist or psycharist…I am like duh thats why I called you, but oh well.. I hope and yes pray to find help somewhere some day… I am tired.. mentally drained…and physically sick… 

Confirmed Failure

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Do you have any idea what it is like to be called a failure by the one person that is supposed to uphold and hold you down no matter what?  In my fractured state of mine to be told that “if that was your wat to get me you failed” So know that I know that I am failure at being a spouse I guess the only thing I am good at being a mom, a student and certified loony and I should be medicated and put somewhere where I can focus soley on my failures in this life.. Trust me I have many…and the list is too long to list in this blog,.. I am so close to tears right now that all that I can think of just how he can take my heart and rip it in 2 just like in the picture… I should say that my heart is fractured just like my mental abilities. If I am bipolar to top that with depression that now is just getting deeper and darker by the minute then top that with my migraines I swear as much as I hate blood (unless its on tv) I am very close to getting a knife from my dresser and cutting my arm and watching the blood drip to the floor before bandaging it up. I hear that cutting gives you some release from your pain I don’t know how true that is, but as the tears are burning my eyes the thought grows stronger and stronger…. I am just very tired of being sick and tired…the only thing holding me together is that my kids love me and think I am the coolest things walking… if they only knew the truth…