Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

GUIDE

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.”

— Jack Kerouac

I am on a journey of self fulfilment and change for the Lord, myself, and my children. I am on a journey of change for the better so that I can grow to be the best woman for me, mother for my kids and even wife to my husband plus I want to be best the business woman I can be.

On this journey I want to be a mentor to my children and to  any and every little, teen and young adult female that crosses my path. I can’t do that if I am not I am not he best  me possible.  I can’t do that if I stay behind this mask. I have learned over the years of being a parent that children are always watching and they are more perceptive than we ever give them credit for and most important they are always learning from us!

I bless everyone that I can. Just as Peter healed the lamed beggar  (see Acts 3:1-26) “Peter told the beggar he did not have any silver and gold, but something better he had the Holy Spirit.” I may not have money to give, but I do have conversation and time which are very precious indeed to person who is always multitasking and on the go.

An example would be when I am shopping at the local the WalMart there is a Heavenly Angel on here on Earth named Brenda who is greeter that works the door. She is truly anointed and I could be annoyed, pissed, throwed off in some kind of way and when Brenda is that door and I enter into her presence my mood instantly changes and I can feel the Spirit of God move around me. I can’t really explain it except for how I just did.

I am not sorry for the battle of depression that I am fighting. I am not sorry for the trials and tribulations that I am going through, because they are making me smarter and stronger. I am not sorry for the way I raised or by whom, because being raised in generational home in a small town (Tyler, TX) was the greatest thing in (beside having my kids) my life!  Having my grandfather and Uncle Sunny in the same house growing up was special and being able to have my momma in the same house for 7 years  in our home was a blessing to my kids and myself. Yes, he hated after a while ( read yesterday blog to find out why), but my kids and momma now have a special unbreakable bond because of it!

I just dont know

Image

As a child my my life was idealic and great. I had no responsibilties, no chores, do demands on my time… Life was good. As i sit and watch the show Salem I think about my past, my present and wonder about my future.  My past was as I said idealic.. I participated in pagents, went to church, sang in the choir, played with my older brother and went to DQ with my grandfather.  Outside of my uncle who was an alcoholic, but he was funny and never violent to anyone and the fights between my gramps and mom.. my mom and her baby sister (who thought she was better than my mom) life was great…

Then my uncle died… and I just went stupid and hung out with losers, gang bangers, drug dealers, etc… then my gramps died and I did more of the same…went to juvenile hall… county jail once…and it was in county jail that I had my awakening… I knew I was better than the life I was living but I was searching for what I had lost when my uncle and gramps died.  I never found it in the people I hung out with or the men I dated… I was living a rather sad life… In jail as I said I woke up and decided to go to college and get my degree dispite my aunt (momma’s younger sister) telling me I would not amount anything, I would be a no body, I would not graduate from college and that I would just be all around loser. Tell me I can’t do something and I will show you that I can do it better than you. 

Graduate from college I did in 2003 and out in the real world I went. I still attracted losers and couldn’t figure out why thats all that I was attracting…then it dawned on me that I am attracting what I think I want or need in  my life. While I was educated in books and the street I still felt that I didnt deserve more than what I had. Which was NOTHING.. Yes, I had a great job, my own apartment, degree on the wall, but the men were just low class losers or booty calls (I called them when I wanted it ).  I paid my bills, went out with friends, went to church, hung out with family,etc, but deep down inside I was still missing something and lacking something and I just could not figure out what it was and to this day I still don’t know.

After I just got tired of dating losers I said a very simple prayer “Lord, when your ready for me to fall in love and marry you will put him on my door step” and with that in a few months I guess I got an email from Yahoo personals that someone sent me a “like you” or wink and since I set this up when I was bored freshman in college I had forgot the password and that I even had an account. I reset my password and went to check out what guy liked my pic and profile. I read his pictureless profile and he sounded nice and all.. I replied back with a simple thank you for emailing me, etc etc etc… anyway, we chatted for a few months, then moved on to phone calls, we set up some dates that he always cancelled for work or some other reasons and normally that would not bother me, but I fell in love with a voice and profile…(hold your judgement to yourself). We finally we out on a date and we had fun and thinking he had a hotel room to go too only to find out he didnt he stayed with me and we (if you have seen the movie Waiting to Exhale the hotel scene with Angela Bassett and Wesley Snipes are asleep in the bed) fully dressed and he proposed but not knowing that I am light sleeper I heard him and I asked him about it the next day and he did it formally on one knee in the middle of a crowded movie parking lot and I said yes of course.. Ten (10) years married 11 all together and 3 kids later we are still together and through the grace of God and prayer we are making it, but this depression is more than I can explain to anyone and that fact that I can’t shake it is really disturbing me and pissing me off. Having migraines everyday with the exception of maybe one day a month. My exams blood and CT all come back negative and thats a good thing, but doesn’t give me relief or stop the depression. Now I truly know whats it means when people say “child be in no hurry to grow up”..

I knew what happiness was once… I hope to find it again one day