The Question is how?

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Tonight again my husband and I got into a heated battle no punches are thrown just verbal assaults going both ways. He tells me that I need let go of my pain so that I wont be depressed, but this is like me saying to him let go of your PTSD all the visions that hunt you from your tours over seas. It can’t be done over night and I have more guilt and grief than just about my grandmother dying. I carry my uncle and the heart crushing words my grandfather said to me on his death bed. He tells me to get help and I think to myself what the hell do you think I am trying to do? Every other word out his mouth Fuck you! and our 3 kids are standing at the door and he like I don’t care and I tell him I can see that! This man has been married 2 times b4 me and now I have to wonder why they didn’t work out… why one or both ex wives cheated on him, why his ex girlfriends cheated on him and secretly married other men while he was away serving his country? He doesn’t think he needs help but he does and he needs it badly.. while I know that I am depressed and that I am reaching out doctors to talk to professionals what he is doing? NOTHING!! Yet he tells me to let go and move on… Are you fucking kidding me? OAN did I mention he is minister? There are times I call him a hypocrite because he is one way at church and another here at home. In my old neighborhood thats called being 2 faced! I know he wants sex, tenderness, closeness and all the things that I can’t give him right now, but all I asked from him was time, respect and understanding… what do I get instead I won’t you and the kids gone by the time I get home from work on Monday.. I told him thats not happening if you want to go – go, but I am on this lease and I am staying! Plus being unemployed and waiting for my financial aid from school to kick in I don’t have money to drive us to Austin and no where to stay. If we do move I want to make sure that all my duckies are lined up and we have place to go and I have job and the kids are enrolled in school. It was left to me to explain to my 6 year diva that just cuz we fight and your hear foul language I never want to hear you repeat those words and know that you are very loved by both your parents and that nothing we say today or any other day has nothing to do with you and your brothers its just right now your parents love each other but we just dont like each other and thats ok because the Bible states we are love one another not like each other.. I hugged her and kissed her and made sure she understund and then she asked for cake and was all smiles and playful.. Children are resiliant too bad adults are not like children if we were I think the world would be better off! I going to take Lunista and pass out for the night – its just too much for me at the moment not even burying myself in my textbooks can stop me from thinking about getting the same bed as a man that I don’t like, but still love with all that I am but a man that has no clue about what I am going through and is frustrated because he cant get laid by his wife due to her depression… Such is my life is sad little nutshell……

Today

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This is me today.. I sit in a dark room with dark sun glasses on typing this out… why you ask? When my wonderful yet loud kids awoke me at 9 am bouncing on my bed I had a horrid, head splitting, vise grip holding migraine.. I rushed to my office and took my new meds and then about 2 hours or so later took another pill (I can take up to 4 in one day) another 2 or 3 hours pass I take another pill (different Rx) another 2 hours pass I take 2 excedrine migraine and guess what at 5:08 pm (exact time it is now) my head still is in that same damm vice grip.. I have not washed dishes, or done anything except showered in the dark and fed, kissed and hugged my kids. I have put my head down on my desk with a towel over my eyes to block out what little light is coming in my office. My stomach is hurting all that I have eaten was breakfast sausage before giving it to my son to eat and a bag of chips and now I am eating tums as well. So go figure…. right?

On top of all of this the man that I love and the father of my kids, texts me and says that he didnt mean to call me a failure last night but he needs me to do more to turn him on to have sex. I told him have you not been listening to me – 1. I don’t like my body 2. I can’t shake this depression and it seems to be getting worse 3. If I don’t like who I am how in the hell do you think I am suppose to want to turn you on to f*ck or make love? 4. Yes you say I am sexy and beautiful and I thank you, but if I don’t feel it or see it then there is nothing ¬†except try to fake it and right now I am really no good at that. 5. Today’s migraine on a scale of 1 to 10 is off the charts and NOTHING is helping especially this conversation.. I sit in my office crying from the pain and who knows what else… I express myself through pictures more than words when talkin to him and others because they can convey what I can not at times.

Today sucks ass and its not getting better…It sucks to be me