Self Expression vs Living a Christian Life

 

I have always loved tattoos and Harley motorcycles (though I have never been on one). I know the Bible says that I am not supposed to make up my body (I have 1 tattoo already) I am not supposed to cut my hair (which I have done way to many times) but I want another tattoo a cherry blossom with 2 butterflies with my son’s names under the wings of the butterflies. My daughter has a butterfly with her name between the wings on my upper back and I want this tattoo under that one. Noone can see them let alone know they are there but me and my husband. Speaking of my husband he is a minster and he hated that I the one for my daughter and I know that he would hate me getting another, but for me its self expression and art. Its not like I am going to get a full sleeve or do my face although I may get my tongue redone or a my belly button done once I LOSE all this FAT again! 

Oh did I mention my husband has a tattoo on his back that he got way before I knew him and before he was called to ministry. He hates his tattoo and says he wishes he never got it, but thats his opinion of his tattoo. Mine have meaning and love behind them and they are beautiful its not like its skull and bones or RIP tattoo or the devil tattoos. However, I do love sugar skulls and want one as a tat on my back as well.. The only other place that I would think of getting a tattoo is on my upper thigh again noone would see it and frankly I really don ‘t think anyone at our church would care.

Another dilemma that I have to face and it is making my head hurt therefore its time to medicate myself and call it a night. I would LOVE to hear your opinion on this lovelies…

Today….

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Today I started Concordia University to get my masters in education. It is the only thing that has brought even a simbulance of a smile.Even though the days through my eyes are still grey and I barely feel like moving from this very spot there is still a small bright spot with me being in class and my kids running around the house.

I found this picture to be a very strong warrior type of woman  the kind of woman i USED to be and hope to be again someday.  I have yet again another migraine and it is affecting my mood and attitude. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take before I find other methods to feel relief. No worries I hate needles, cant stand to put anything in nose, to chicken to cut myself and I don’t drink often and I don’t do drugs. So I don’t what I can find for relief, but I will find something somewhere from someone.  Right now I guess I will just hold on to feeling about starting school and take my script for migraines that DO NOT work..I don’t even have appetite. Its almost 4 pm and I had to force myself to eat a bag of chips even then my son came and I gave them to him so I had maybe 5 chips out of it… UGGGG 

Slowly Losing My Mind

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If you are asking yourself about the picture above its Bloody Mary….For it represents me slowly going insane and slipping further into the darkness that is becoming my life. How much longer can I smile and say I am fine? How much longer can I wear this “happy” mask? The depression, being in this gawd foresaken state, no job, daily migraines I am losing what bit of sanity I have left. Yes, I pray and believe in God and everyday I wake up and get up on faith that the day will be better than yesterday. 

Last night I went to bed with a migraine and woke up with one and while I have slight reprieve I can feel one coming back and I have no idea what the triggers are, but I can’t take this cuz I am not living I am going through the motions and simply breathing. If it were not for my kids I would have long ago checked myself into the mental ward some where. I am so tired of being SICK AND TIRED!!!!

I’m not living… I’m just breathing

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If only the world knew just how true that saying the picture is.. especially for me.  I have had my ups and down and yes, I have fought the devil and his many menions and won a few fights; however; I was fighting for family not myself. I rarely think I am worth fighting for and the good days (few and far between) that I do care about myself it fads fast when the depression sinks in and the migraines attack. For the last 3 to 4 months I have had daily migraines and that alone depresses the hell out of me cuz it affects my mood with my kids and everyone else. I do my best to hide and smile and say “I’m ok”.. Do you know how hard it is to type in the dark or the light of an IPad and tv  because the overhead lights are to bright?  Before you ask I have had tests run to include a CT and they all come back negative and therefore my dr has no clue whats wrong and since they are not on Friday I am sure I won’t hear from them till Monday or sometime next week.

Right now my head feels like its in a vice grip and someone is turning the crank on this vice grip to the point that my head is about to pop off or my skull is gonna crack open and my brain is gonna ooze out everywhere.  Therefore, when I say I am not living… I am merely breathing that is exactly what I mean. This is no way for anyone to live…