“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.”

— Jack Kerouac

I am on a journey of self fulfilment and change for the Lord, myself, and my children. I am on a journey of change for the better so that I can grow to be the best woman for me, mother for my kids and even wife to my husband plus I want to be best the business woman I can be.

On this journey I want to be a mentor to my children and to  any and every little, teen and young adult female that crosses my path. I can’t do that if I am not I am not he best  me possible.  I can’t do that if I stay behind this mask. I have learned over the years of being a parent that children are always watching and they are more perceptive than we ever give them credit for and most important they are always learning from us!

I bless everyone that I can. Just as Peter healed the lamed beggar  (see Acts 3:1-26) “Peter told the beggar he did not have any silver and gold, but something better he had the Holy Spirit.” I may not have money to give, but I do have conversation and time which are very precious indeed to person who is always multitasking and on the go.

An example would be when I am shopping at the local the WalMart there is a Heavenly Angel on here on Earth named Brenda who is greeter that works the door. She is truly anointed and I could be annoyed, pissed, throwed off in some kind of way and when Brenda is that door and I enter into her presence my mood instantly changes and I can feel the Spirit of God move around me. I can’t really explain it except for how I just did.

I am not sorry for the battle of depression that I am fighting. I am not sorry for the trials and tribulations that I am going through, because they are making me smarter and stronger. I am not sorry for the way I raised or by whom, because being raised in generational home in a small town (Tyler, TX) was the greatest thing in (beside having my kids) my life!  Having my grandfather and Uncle Sunny in the same house growing up was special and being able to have my momma in the same house for 7 years  in our home was a blessing to my kids and myself. Yes, he hated after a while ( read yesterday blog to find out why), but my kids and momma now have a special unbreakable bond because of it!

I don’t hate him, but I look at him with disgust

Tonight I looked at my husband and felt utter disgust not because I don’t love him bc I love him with all my heart and soul, but lives the life I can’t.  He gets to go outside and talk to others, see life, smell rain, go to Wednesday Bible study. For years I was never bothered because my kids were babies and they are still babies to me, but because they are too old for church day care and I can’t work outside the home my only human contact are my babies. Texting my rp twin sister, rp kids, brothers, my rl cousin here and there, my mom…and of course here in my bloggasphere. 

I can’t wait for school for my kids to start so that I can go to work during the day and talk to adults, smell rain, meet new ppl and actually miss my kids. Believe me when I say I gladly made the choice to be a SAHM and raise my kids because well I don’t trust ppl never have and I guess I never will, but at least with their teachers at school I can always drop in on the class, get my brother to pull a criminal report, talk to them at length and let them know what kind of mother I am and let them know their boundaries and to respect that line. Everyday I realize there is more to my depression than the death of my grams, and guilt of my uncle death years ago. The more I realize that is wrong with me the more I know that I need to talk to a specialist in this area because I am so sure that I am bipolar and clinically depressed, but of course I am no doctor and I need to go through my insurance to seek the help I need. I called a place called Longleaf here in the town where I live and they of course I was told that they can’t help me unless I am danger to myself or someone else. I am not sucidial or dangerous and was told that I need to talk to psychologist or psycharist…I am like duh thats why I called you, but oh well.. I hope and yes pray to find help somewhere some day… I am tired.. mentally drained…and physically sick…