1st Christmas and Then There’s 2018

Merry Christmas y’all! It took me sometime to get my thoughts right to write this blog, because this is my first Christmas without my mom. I got up on Christmas and I wanted to call my mom and say “Merry Christmas momma”  and as I go for my phone her picture and dark blue urn are staring me in the face. It’s like a WHAM I can’t call her anymore. No more 10 page text messages. No more hearing her say “I love you babygirl.” No more hearing her call me babygirl…

The only difference between Christmas of 2016 is that Rob fought with my momma. They both said dreadful words to each other and this Christmas was no different except this year except my momma was not here and the harshness was done from their side only, but that is an everyday occurance when they get together.

Now 2018, is thundering in and everyone is saying speak your life into existence. Funny thing is I have been doing that for years and I am still struggling in quicksand.  Spending 5 days in the hospital and not really knowing if I would be home before Christmas or not made me think about my life.

Growing up I would dream of traveling the world. Experiencing life through the eyes and taste buds other people, cultures, places, etc. Paris is the place that dreamed of most because it is so beautiful and romantic. Paris is full of rich history, style, fashion, iconic legends live there and were forced to run to Europe due to racist times in this country.  As I grew up I wanted to go to London to just eat fish and fries LOL. In London I just wanted to be a tourist and take in the sites and sounds. Then there is Asia…I want to visit every place in Asia from Tokyo to Malaysia. Possibly live in Asia (mainly Seoul) and visit Busan beaches and eateries. Then head to the land down under Australia and play with a few kangaroos, go to the opera, beaches, visit a few pubs and shops. Zip over to Germany backpack to Zurich and everywhere in between just to try the food, perhaps visit the places that not on the tourist map (if you know what I mean).

Where did that world traveler go? A part of her has been dying since the day her Uncle Sunny died. It didn’t help that she lost her grandfather next. This man who raised 5 kids stepped in and became her father figure – Gone!  While it was a few years in between (it seemed like warp speed) when I was told that my Uncle Walter was in hospice and dying. I went everyday after school to make sure he ate, had his favorite sodas, cigarettes, etc. Then before I knew it sitting on my couch in LA watching tv my momma calls and says “baby girl grandma is gone” What do mean gone momma? I believe that is when my world actually shattered a bit and the curtain was torn down.  Then this past October my world just flat out broke/shattered/splintered in all  4 corners. To find her… just blew up every myth about life I ever held true.

Now, I am going into 2018 and I have always spoke life, good health, wealth, joy and happiness over myself, but I look in the mirror and I hardly know this person. I see my momma and grandmother’s face looking back at me (they are both extremely beautiful women), but I have to wonder where is that wide-eyed, modern day wanderer who wrote poetry, whose smile was not a mask, who never questioned her existence or reason for being on this earth.

Then I look at 3 faces that I brought into this world and think maybe you are the reason why I am here,  but I am not just destined to be June Cleaver or am I. I still dream of travelling the world and living in Asia, but when you have a “help mate” that hates to travel, fly, experience life abroad. I want to teach overseas. Here I am going into another year.. Dreams unfulfilled or is that Dreams Deferred? I really don’t know….

You my loyal readers are my outlet to the world…Go into the new year with a hope and prayer for a new you.. #Doyou and Inspire as you go along whatever path you take. If the path your own is no longer the way you want to go then change the path and keep it moving.

As for me I am going find a medium that works for me. Something that makes me happy, be in a place that makes me happy, find peace in myself and my surroundings. I am tired of the noise that never seems to end. Maybe my heartbeat will do a quick step and the migraines will just disappear.  And I will no longer feel like I am squished in a box under that car crusher machine in the junkyard on a daily basis.

I’m not a Playa I just crush a lot

Last night my hot headed ass spouse decided it was cool to call me FAT! Granted when we met I was overweight, but guess what I still had strong mack skills. I was never without a man – that man was sexy as shit!

I dated men that had money granted that money was not always attained legally, but that’s here nor there. I had a job and my own money, but they fly ass rides, could dress, dance and lay pipe (if you know what I mean) ladies :-).

I had decided that it was time to make a change and I prayed for my husband to be delivered to me. I prayed that he be a mix of my older brother, uncle and grandfather – you know men that I admire. These men fear God, love to have good time, know how to treat their mother, women in general, how to lead, hold a job, they liked to have a good time, family oriented and most of all loved me. So I took time out from dating, but don’t get it twisted I still hung out with my boys and partied with my girls we all had a damn good time ya heard! I just did not lay claim to any man as being “my man” during this time. I had plenty of offers and was tempted many times, but stood strong.

Low and behold I forgot that during my sophomore year at TSU (Hustle Town, TX) I signed up on Yahoo personals because I was bored in the computer lab. I was wasting time waiting on Turtle (my sweep mate) to get ready so we could go to the Que house party. There is nothing like a Que party to start your weekend off right when you are in college! Fast forward sometime and I move back to Austin and enroll and graduate from Huston-Tillotson University (Love my HBCU’s) and I get a message via email telling me I have message on Yahoo personals.. I can’t check it because I don’t remember the the dang ole password! What do I have to do? Reset the password and then I read it and I literally roll my eyes because he says he is in military yet his profile has no picture.

I am too nice a person not to respond so I say thanks for responding to the “ad” and explain that I forgot I had this and yada yada end and send.. Well, he keeps sending me messages telling me I am beautiful and this and that (how does he know this? I have a picture on my profile) and I just reply simple things. Anyway, this continues for awhile and then we exchange numbers and he calls. We talk so he is real person and not a perv LOL.. That’s a plus – Right? We go through some ups and downs and ins and outs.. but we make it to the day where we move in together in a nice one bedroom apartment in Killeen.

Life is gravy….you know the newlywed times always are the good times… then we get married and the good times are still rolling. Then deployments and field times happen… Then PTSD sets in….I still say he is bipolar… I have no idea what he saw over there, but he is holding on to it and brings that out at home on 3 kids and me. I do not allow it and stand up to him.

He often tells me I can leave and go home to Austin and frankly I am so want to, but would that be best for my kids? He often tells/asks me on the daily basis that I have a boyfriend or to go my boyfriend. But my momma did not raise no fool (#RIHmomma) when a man does this that’s because he has a side chic and wants to put it all off on you.

So when he had the gall to call me fat yesterday and then throw out there that  I had boyfriend. I just told him “I’m not a playa I just crush a lot” and trust me I still get cat calls everywhere I go what about you chunky?  Yea that shut his ass up real fast! Do not ever try me honey cuz I do #clapback a lot faster than you.

If you are wondering if I love this man that I have had 3 kids with.. the answer is yes I love him, but I am now wondering if I am in love.

He wrote the song “I’m not a player” which where the line “I’m not a player I just crush alot came from #RIHBigPun He died of a heart attack in 2/2007