Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

GUIDE

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.”

— Jack Kerouac

I am on a journey of self fulfilment and change for the Lord, myself, and my children. I am on a journey of change for the better so that I can grow to be the best woman for me, mother for my kids and even wife to my husband plus I want to be best the business woman I can be.

On this journey I want to be a mentor to my children and to  any and every little, teen and young adult female that crosses my path. I can’t do that if I am not I am not he best  me possible.  I can’t do that if I stay behind this mask. I have learned over the years of being a parent that children are always watching and they are more perceptive than we ever give them credit for and most important they are always learning from us!

I bless everyone that I can. Just as Peter healed the lamed beggar  (see Acts 3:1-26) “Peter told the beggar he did not have any silver and gold, but something better he had the Holy Spirit.” I may not have money to give, but I do have conversation and time which are very precious indeed to person who is always multitasking and on the go.

An example would be when I am shopping at the local the WalMart there is a Heavenly Angel on here on Earth named Brenda who is greeter that works the door. She is truly anointed and I could be annoyed, pissed, throwed off in some kind of way and when Brenda is that door and I enter into her presence my mood instantly changes and I can feel the Spirit of God move around me. I can’t really explain it except for how I just did.

I am not sorry for the battle of depression that I am fighting. I am not sorry for the trials and tribulations that I am going through, because they are making me smarter and stronger. I am not sorry for the way I raised or by whom, because being raised in generational home in a small town (Tyler, TX) was the greatest thing in (beside having my kids) my life!  Having my grandfather and Uncle Sunny in the same house growing up was special and being able to have my momma in the same house for 7 years  in our home was a blessing to my kids and myself. Yes, he hated after a while ( read yesterday blog to find out why), but my kids and momma now have a special unbreakable bond because of it!

Sighs…Somebody..Somewhere…Help me please

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I am not a cutter, drunk, drug user, abuser… I am none of that -what I am peacemaker in my family I feel everyones pain…yet noone feels mine…I help everyone yet I suffer alone…I watch shows that remind me things I try to forget but can’t really let go of…How do you let go of guilt of not living up to a promise you made your grandfather at 5… he reminded you of this promise on his death bed when your 14? How do let go of a man you have never met but told you look like and know that his blood runs through you – yet your fatherless daughter? How do let go of guilt of a dying uncle who drank to escape his life because he was hated by his baby sister (not my mom and aunt Baye – his sister Tricia) hated by his own father? This is the same uncle that died holding your hand in his hospital bed when the same said little sister told the doctor to shut off the breathing machines? How do you deal with the fact that your mother can’t stand your husband and your husband can’t stand mother and when she lived with you – your husband gave you the choice its her or me? How do you chose? I hate fighting and arguing so I generally shut down, cry in the shower, and walk away from it.. It doesnt get resolved it just gets swept under the rug on my end. I know why people who use drugs and drink they way the do – I can’t do it cuz its not in me to be drunk or druggie…There are a number of times i just sit in my office and think of how living my life this way and how I am just slowly dying inside and killing my marriage because I can’t talk to him and make him understand its not about you – its about me and my issues that I had b4 I even knew you.. the issues I got after I met you… the issues I have now…its all tied to my past and it is affecting me in the present and that is affecting you.. That is all that involves you is the here and now…Until I can heal my past me – i can’t heal my present me therefore there will never be a future me…I don’t heal me there wont be an us because you wont stay long enough for me to do it cuz you only want your needs met… your needs right now are not my needs right now…and its that I can’t get him to understand. Right now my stomach is killing me – its in knots so tight that it feels like its constantly going through this ringer being twisted over and over and over again without an end in sight. The nightmare continues.. how much more can I bare?

Nightmare within Nightmare

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There is nothing like having a nightmare within a nightmare and awaking with a migraine thinking am I am still dreaming is this a nightmare? So you pinch yourself and it hurts, you walk around with fog on the brain, clouded eyes and you feel alone even when you have people around you. Welcome to my world.

In the picture above you see a fallen angel alone in a foggy forest with her head down. I relate because I walk with my head down afraid to trip or fall, alone even though there are 3 kids here full of joy and love, on a new medication for my migraines and yes I am fully awake. I don’t know what the first nightmare was about, but it was freaky as hell and the last one I was covered with bugs and spiders and those are 2 things I hate with a passion and 2 things that freak the shit out me! A nightmare wrapped in another nightmare…Wtf is wrong with me? I don’t know what normal is,but all I seek is relief, peace, joy and to smile again and by smile I want it radiate from the inside out not what you see now its a plastered on smile that if you really look you can see is fake and has no real meaning behind it. 

When I sought help all they kept asking was am I sucidial and the answer is NO. I am too afraid of cutting myself and from past expirences when I took pills I always woke up the next day so that has never worked for me so there is no need take that road again and on top of that I can’t leave my babies motherless… I know what its like to be fatherless and to have the hole in your heart and soul to never have it filled. Sure I had 2 great no awesome substitutes in my grandfather and uncle, but they are both dead now. So now that hole is dark, void, and empty… 

What’s left? Where do I go? What am I? Who am I now? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions and I suspect that I never will.

Now What?

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Just talked to my doctor and was told they are sending me to a nuerologist for the migraines and to stop taking my meds in the mean time.. Ok what do I do now cuz I have and I can’t take my medicine are you kidding me? Excedrine migraine no longer works on me and I know too much of those can cause liver failure.  As the song “Let It Go” from Disney’s Frozen says “The kingdom of isolation and it looks like I am the Queen”  There are not too many Disney songs that I love and can relate too but this song from the moment I heard spoke to me as did the video. The line “The cold doesn’t bother me anyway” I feel that and I have felt it sometime.. A heart of ice that is so thick that nothing can melt it. The only reason it still beats because I love my family too much to end it all and live in hell with the devil. I’ve tried that several times and each time I woke up and wonder why are you holding here? Now I know…I suffer and live in the isolation of my mind, but children are the sun and rainbows that guide me through the day. The sky may be black and grey, but they are my shining and glimmering light.. Its a small light, but a light none the less.

I just dont know

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As a child my my life was idealic and great. I had no responsibilties, no chores, do demands on my time… Life was good. As i sit and watch the show Salem I think about my past, my present and wonder about my future.  My past was as I said idealic.. I participated in pagents, went to church, sang in the choir, played with my older brother and went to DQ with my grandfather.  Outside of my uncle who was an alcoholic, but he was funny and never violent to anyone and the fights between my gramps and mom.. my mom and her baby sister (who thought she was better than my mom) life was great…

Then my uncle died… and I just went stupid and hung out with losers, gang bangers, drug dealers, etc… then my gramps died and I did more of the same…went to juvenile hall… county jail once…and it was in county jail that I had my awakening… I knew I was better than the life I was living but I was searching for what I had lost when my uncle and gramps died.  I never found it in the people I hung out with or the men I dated… I was living a rather sad life… In jail as I said I woke up and decided to go to college and get my degree dispite my aunt (momma’s younger sister) telling me I would not amount anything, I would be a no body, I would not graduate from college and that I would just be all around loser. Tell me I can’t do something and I will show you that I can do it better than you. 

Graduate from college I did in 2003 and out in the real world I went. I still attracted losers and couldn’t figure out why thats all that I was attracting…then it dawned on me that I am attracting what I think I want or need in  my life. While I was educated in books and the street I still felt that I didnt deserve more than what I had. Which was NOTHING.. Yes, I had a great job, my own apartment, degree on the wall, but the men were just low class losers or booty calls (I called them when I wanted it ).  I paid my bills, went out with friends, went to church, hung out with family,etc, but deep down inside I was still missing something and lacking something and I just could not figure out what it was and to this day I still don’t know.

After I just got tired of dating losers I said a very simple prayer “Lord, when your ready for me to fall in love and marry you will put him on my door step” and with that in a few months I guess I got an email from Yahoo personals that someone sent me a “like you” or wink and since I set this up when I was bored freshman in college I had forgot the password and that I even had an account. I reset my password and went to check out what guy liked my pic and profile. I read his pictureless profile and he sounded nice and all.. I replied back with a simple thank you for emailing me, etc etc etc… anyway, we chatted for a few months, then moved on to phone calls, we set up some dates that he always cancelled for work or some other reasons and normally that would not bother me, but I fell in love with a voice and profile…(hold your judgement to yourself). We finally we out on a date and we had fun and thinking he had a hotel room to go too only to find out he didnt he stayed with me and we (if you have seen the movie Waiting to Exhale the hotel scene with Angela Bassett and Wesley Snipes are asleep in the bed) fully dressed and he proposed but not knowing that I am light sleeper I heard him and I asked him about it the next day and he did it formally on one knee in the middle of a crowded movie parking lot and I said yes of course.. Ten (10) years married 11 all together and 3 kids later we are still together and through the grace of God and prayer we are making it, but this depression is more than I can explain to anyone and that fact that I can’t shake it is really disturbing me and pissing me off. Having migraines everyday with the exception of maybe one day a month. My exams blood and CT all come back negative and thats a good thing, but doesn’t give me relief or stop the depression. Now I truly know whats it means when people say “child be in no hurry to grow up”..

I knew what happiness was once… I hope to find it again one day