I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.
From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.
You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.
Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?
I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!
I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?
I am not a cutter, drunk, drug user, abuser… I am none of that -what I am peacemaker in my family I feel everyones pain…yet noone feels mine…I help everyone yet I suffer alone…I watch shows that remind me things I try to forget but can’t really let go of…How do you let go of guilt of not living up to a promise you made your grandfather at 5… he reminded you of this promise on his death bed when your 14? How do let go of a man you have never met but told you look like and know that his blood runs through you – yet your fatherless daughter? How do let go of guilt of a dying uncle who drank to escape his life because he was hated by his baby sister (not my mom and aunt Baye – his sister Tricia) hated by his own father? This is the same uncle that died holding your hand in his hospital bed when the same said little sister told the doctor to shut off the breathing machines? How do you deal with the fact that your mother can’t stand your husband and your husband can’t stand mother and when she lived with you – your husband gave you the choice its her or me? How do you chose? I hate fighting and arguing so I generally shut down, cry in the shower, and walk away from it.. It doesnt get resolved it just gets swept under the rug on my end. I know why people who use drugs and drink they way the do – I can’t do it cuz its not in me to be drunk or druggie…There are a number of times i just sit in my office and think of how living my life this way and how I am just slowly dying inside and killing my marriage because I can’t talk to him and make him understand its not about you – its about me and my issues that I had b4 I even knew you.. the issues I got after I met you… the issues I have now…its all tied to my past and it is affecting me in the present and that is affecting you.. That is all that involves you is the here and now…Until I can heal my past me – i can’t heal my present me therefore there will never be a future me…I don’t heal me there wont be an us because you wont stay long enough for me to do it cuz you only want your needs met… your needs right now are not my needs right now…and its that I can’t get him to understand. Right now my stomach is killing me – its in knots so tight that it feels like its constantly going through this ringer being twisted over and over and over again without an end in sight. The nightmare continues.. how much more can I bare?
Tonight again my husband and I got into a heated battle no punches are thrown just verbal assaults going both ways. He tells me that I need let go of my pain so that I wont be depressed, but this is like me saying to him let go of your PTSD all the visions that hunt you from your tours over seas. It can’t be done over night and I have more guilt and grief than just about my grandmother dying. I carry my uncle and the heart crushing words my grandfather said to me on his death bed. He tells me to get help and I think to myself what the hell do you think I am trying to do? Every other word out his mouth Fuck you! and our 3 kids are standing at the door and he like I don’t care and I tell him I can see that! This man has been married 2 times b4 me and now I have to wonder why they didn’t work out… why one or both ex wives cheated on him, why his ex girlfriends cheated on him and secretly married other men while he was away serving his country? He doesn’t think he needs help but he does and he needs it badly.. while I know that I am depressed and that I am reaching out doctors to talk to professionals what he is doing? NOTHING!! Yet he tells me to let go and move on… Are you fucking kidding me? OAN did I mention he is minister? There are times I call him a hypocrite because he is one way at church and another here at home. In my old neighborhood thats called being 2 faced! I know he wants sex, tenderness, closeness and all the things that I can’t give him right now, but all I asked from him was time, respect and understanding… what do I get instead I won’t you and the kids gone by the time I get home from work on Monday.. I told him thats not happening if you want to go – go, but I am on this lease and I am staying! Plus being unemployed and waiting for my financial aid from school to kick in I don’t have money to drive us to Austin and no where to stay. If we do move I want to make sure that all my duckies are lined up and we have place to go and I have job and the kids are enrolled in school. It was left to me to explain to my 6 year diva that just cuz we fight and your hear foul language I never want to hear you repeat those words and know that you are very loved by both your parents and that nothing we say today or any other day has nothing to do with you and your brothers its just right now your parents love each other but we just dont like each other and thats ok because the Bible states we are love one another not like each other.. I hugged her and kissed her and made sure she understund and then she asked for cake and was all smiles and playful.. Children are resiliant too bad adults are not like children if we were I think the world would be better off! I going to take Lunista and pass out for the night – its just too much for me at the moment not even burying myself in my textbooks can stop me from thinking about getting the same bed as a man that I don’t like, but still love with all that I am but a man that has no clue about what I am going through and is frustrated because he cant get laid by his wife due to her depression… Such is my life is sad little nutshell……