Depression Consumes An Idol

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINeeLet me start by offering my condolences to the family JongHyun. It is with my saddest thoughts, heart and soul that I pray God help you all through this time of grief and mourning. Please know that United Kpop Armies around the globe are mourning with you over the loss of your son, brother, cousin, uncle, nephew, and our idol. While I was not apart of the SHINee Army I did enjoy the music and the interviews where JongHyun would do the speaking. I often would go back to my archives and look at the interviews where he would talk about his personal views on himself and he would cry. I would catch myself because I know how he feels to be in that black hole called depression to see nothing but blackness, to be swallowed up and not know how to fight your way out, to think that no one loves you, to not see that roses for the darkness, to cast the blame all on you,etc. I am still in that same spot, however the only reason that I am still here is because of my 3 kids and I recently found my mother in her bathroom dead of cancer back in October and I don’t want my kids to experience that horror and have to live with it like I do now.

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINee 2 Not only do I have to live that, but I have to live with knowing that a really good friend and former Army wife (life me) killed herself the very next day after we talked. We video chatted on FB and noticed the signs. I saw the darkness in her eyes, but Mek Mek had a way of pulling herself out her funk and putting a smile on her face that said “hey through the grace of God I am ok today”. Something in me knew that day was different and something said call her and talk to her, but as mother of 3 (just like her we have twins and older child) I just knew she would live for them. Then I the next day I was sitting on my living room sofa when a Min. Pamela Gay called me from GA and told me the Meka was dead…my world shattered…it went black…. and I knew it was my fault. She took a gun and shot herself because she just could not handle the depression and PTSD that was eating up her world and her soul.

If you do not suffer from deep depression and anxiety then you will never truly understand what this post is really about. For those of that do we are not looking for sympathy, but we do want understanding. We don’t want charity, but we want you to care enough to try to understand how we feel on a daily basis. We don’t want you to crowd us, but give us enough space to breathe, yet stay close enough catch us when suffocating. Most of all know that when we say we are OK it is a call for help and that we really do want to talk about it, but in our own space and time. Some of us may not know how to express it words so we may write it down and if that is case do not yell or get angry just accept it and read it and reply in the same manner. Some may send and email or text if that is case then just reciprocate in kind. If that person chooses to open up and talk then sit quietly and take it all in moment by moment. Do not interject yourself in the conversation and make it about you for that will only shut that depressed person down and most likely (if they are like me) they will never open up to you again. Please remember it is NOT about the listener – it is ONLY about the one talking

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINee 3 JongHyun said in every video and in his will that all he wanted was for someone to say “Well done” and to give him his flowers while he was living. For me (in my opinion) I really don’t think that JongHyun saw the raw emotional love he received from band, the SHINee Army, family, friends, etc on the daily basis. What most people do not understand when you are part of a KPop Army you just in “fandom” you are part of a loyal family of fans that ride or die for their group, idol, soloist, etc. They just don’t attend concerts, buy remorbilia, write letters, make IG/FB pages, make fan art, request to join the group, idol, soloist, label pages, etc. We actually celebrate with them when it’s their birthday, when they get married, have a baby, make blockbuster movie, etc. We are sadden when lose a loved one, pet, when they are not picked for an well deserved award, get divorced, break up with girl/boyfriend, gets hurt on stage performing or a movie tanks,etc.  What I am saying is the Armies and the stans are one and the same. We feel what they feel. We go through what they go everything they go through – so when JongHyun took his life this hit all Armies across the board very hard. He was one our own and we loved him very much and we should him how much daily and I just don’t think the darkness allowed the light of our love to seep in at all.  We told him how great, awesome, sexy, sweet, beautiful, talented he was not just as a performer, but as a person. We told him how beautiful his soul was because not many performers would let themselves break down and cry on video and show their pure innocence and raw soul for the whole world to see. This is why we are so attracted to you as a person, performer, as JongHyun!

SM Entertainment The Ballad Vol.2 Joint Recital Your smile was so beautiful and now when I look in the heavens I can see you standing next to my Grams, mom, grandfather and uncles smiling down on me. Your free now from the darkness and the pain. Your at the Father’s feet where he say to you “Well done my son welcome home.”  Be free Kim Jong-Hyun and know that we your Army have always said we love you now and forever… Be free Kim Jong-Hyun and know that your Army has always said well done!

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Today….

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Today I started Concordia University to get my masters in education. It is the only thing that has brought even a simbulance of a smile.Even though the days through my eyes are still grey and I barely feel like moving from this very spot there is still a small bright spot with me being in class and my kids running around the house.

I found this picture to be a very strong warrior type of woman  the kind of woman i USED to be and hope to be again someday.  I have yet again another migraine and it is affecting my mood and attitude. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take before I find other methods to feel relief. No worries I hate needles, cant stand to put anything in nose, to chicken to cut myself and I don’t drink often and I don’t do drugs. So I don’t what I can find for relief, but I will find something somewhere from someone.  Right now I guess I will just hold on to feeling about starting school and take my script for migraines that DO NOT work..I don’t even have appetite. Its almost 4 pm and I had to force myself to eat a bag of chips even then my son came and I gave them to him so I had maybe 5 chips out of it… UGGGG