I just dont know

Image

As a child my my life was idealic and great. I had no responsibilties, no chores, do demands on my time… Life was good. As i sit and watch the show Salem I think about my past, my present and wonder about my future.  My past was as I said idealic.. I participated in pagents, went to church, sang in the choir, played with my older brother and went to DQ with my grandfather.  Outside of my uncle who was an alcoholic, but he was funny and never violent to anyone and the fights between my gramps and mom.. my mom and her baby sister (who thought she was better than my mom) life was great…

Then my uncle died… and I just went stupid and hung out with losers, gang bangers, drug dealers, etc… then my gramps died and I did more of the same…went to juvenile hall… county jail once…and it was in county jail that I had my awakening… I knew I was better than the life I was living but I was searching for what I had lost when my uncle and gramps died.  I never found it in the people I hung out with or the men I dated… I was living a rather sad life… In jail as I said I woke up and decided to go to college and get my degree dispite my aunt (momma’s younger sister) telling me I would not amount anything, I would be a no body, I would not graduate from college and that I would just be all around loser. Tell me I can’t do something and I will show you that I can do it better than you. 

Graduate from college I did in 2003 and out in the real world I went. I still attracted losers and couldn’t figure out why thats all that I was attracting…then it dawned on me that I am attracting what I think I want or need in  my life. While I was educated in books and the street I still felt that I didnt deserve more than what I had. Which was NOTHING.. Yes, I had a great job, my own apartment, degree on the wall, but the men were just low class losers or booty calls (I called them when I wanted it ).  I paid my bills, went out with friends, went to church, hung out with family,etc, but deep down inside I was still missing something and lacking something and I just could not figure out what it was and to this day I still don’t know.

After I just got tired of dating losers I said a very simple prayer “Lord, when your ready for me to fall in love and marry you will put him on my door step” and with that in a few months I guess I got an email from Yahoo personals that someone sent me a “like you” or wink and since I set this up when I was bored freshman in college I had forgot the password and that I even had an account. I reset my password and went to check out what guy liked my pic and profile. I read his pictureless profile and he sounded nice and all.. I replied back with a simple thank you for emailing me, etc etc etc… anyway, we chatted for a few months, then moved on to phone calls, we set up some dates that he always cancelled for work or some other reasons and normally that would not bother me, but I fell in love with a voice and profile…(hold your judgement to yourself). We finally we out on a date and we had fun and thinking he had a hotel room to go too only to find out he didnt he stayed with me and we (if you have seen the movie Waiting to Exhale the hotel scene with Angela Bassett and Wesley Snipes are asleep in the bed) fully dressed and he proposed but not knowing that I am light sleeper I heard him and I asked him about it the next day and he did it formally on one knee in the middle of a crowded movie parking lot and I said yes of course.. Ten (10) years married 11 all together and 3 kids later we are still together and through the grace of God and prayer we are making it, but this depression is more than I can explain to anyone and that fact that I can’t shake it is really disturbing me and pissing me off. Having migraines everyday with the exception of maybe one day a month. My exams blood and CT all come back negative and thats a good thing, but doesn’t give me relief or stop the depression. Now I truly know whats it means when people say “child be in no hurry to grow up”..

I knew what happiness was once… I hope to find it again one day