Depression Consumes An Idol

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINeeLet me start by offering my condolences to the family JongHyun. It is with my saddest thoughts, heart and soul that I pray God help you all through this time of grief and mourning. Please know that United Kpop Armies around the globe are mourning with you over the loss of your son, brother, cousin, uncle, nephew, and our idol. While I was not apart of the SHINee Army I did enjoy the music and the interviews where JongHyun would do the speaking. I often would go back to my archives and look at the interviews where he would talk about his personal views on himself and he would cry. I would catch myself because I know how he feels to be in that black hole called depression to see nothing but blackness, to be swallowed up and not know how to fight your way out, to think that no one loves you, to not see that roses for the darkness, to cast the blame all on you,etc. I am still in that same spot, however the only reason that I am still here is because of my 3 kids and I recently found my mother in her bathroom dead of cancer back in October and I don’t want my kids to experience that horror and have to live with it like I do now.

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINee 2 Not only do I have to live that, but I have to live with knowing that a really good friend and former Army wife (life me) killed herself the very next day after we talked. We video chatted on FB and noticed the signs. I saw the darkness in her eyes, but Mek Mek had a way of pulling herself out her funk and putting a smile on her face that said “hey through the grace of God I am ok today”. Something in me knew that day was different and something said call her and talk to her, but as mother of 3 (just like her we have twins and older child) I just knew she would live for them. Then I the next day I was sitting on my living room sofa when a Min. Pamela Gay called me from GA and told me the Meka was dead…my world shattered…it went black…. and I knew it was my fault. She took a gun and shot herself because she just could not handle the depression and PTSD that was eating up her world and her soul.

If you do not suffer from deep depression and anxiety then you will never truly understand what this post is really about. For those of that do we are not looking for sympathy, but we do want understanding. We don’t want charity, but we want you to care enough to try to understand how we feel on a daily basis. We don’t want you to crowd us, but give us enough space to breathe, yet stay close enough catch us when suffocating. Most of all know that when we say we are OK it is a call for help and that we really do want to talk about it, but in our own space and time. Some of us may not know how to express it words so we may write it down and if that is case do not yell or get angry just accept it and read it and reply in the same manner. Some may send and email or text if that is case then just reciprocate in kind. If that person chooses to open up and talk then sit quietly and take it all in moment by moment. Do not interject yourself in the conversation and make it about you for that will only shut that depressed person down and most likely (if they are like me) they will never open up to you again. Please remember it is NOT about the listener – it is ONLY about the one talking

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINee 3 JongHyun said in every video and in his will that all he wanted was for someone to say “Well done” and to give him his flowers while he was living. For me (in my opinion) I really don’t think that JongHyun saw the raw emotional love he received from band, the SHINee Army, family, friends, etc on the daily basis. What most people do not understand when you are part of a KPop Army you just in “fandom” you are part of a loyal family of fans that ride or die for their group, idol, soloist, etc. They just don’t attend concerts, buy remorbilia, write letters, make IG/FB pages, make fan art, request to join the group, idol, soloist, label pages, etc. We actually celebrate with them when it’s their birthday, when they get married, have a baby, make blockbuster movie, etc. We are sadden when lose a loved one, pet, when they are not picked for an well deserved award, get divorced, break up with girl/boyfriend, gets hurt on stage performing or a movie tanks,etc.  What I am saying is the Armies and the stans are one and the same. We feel what they feel. We go through what they go everything they go through – so when JongHyun took his life this hit all Armies across the board very hard. He was one our own and we loved him very much and we should him how much daily and I just don’t think the darkness allowed the light of our love to seep in at all.  We told him how great, awesome, sexy, sweet, beautiful, talented he was not just as a performer, but as a person. We told him how beautiful his soul was because not many performers would let themselves break down and cry on video and show their pure innocence and raw soul for the whole world to see. This is why we are so attracted to you as a person, performer, as JongHyun!

SM Entertainment The Ballad Vol.2 Joint Recital Your smile was so beautiful and now when I look in the heavens I can see you standing next to my Grams, mom, grandfather and uncles smiling down on me. Your free now from the darkness and the pain. Your at the Father’s feet where he say to you “Well done my son welcome home.”  Be free Kim Jong-Hyun and know that we your Army have always said we love you now and forever… Be free Kim Jong-Hyun and know that your Army has always said well done!

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Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

GUIDE

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.”

— Jack Kerouac

I am on a journey of self fulfilment and change for the Lord, myself, and my children. I am on a journey of change for the better so that I can grow to be the best woman for me, mother for my kids and even wife to my husband plus I want to be best the business woman I can be.

On this journey I want to be a mentor to my children and to  any and every little, teen and young adult female that crosses my path. I can’t do that if I am not I am not he best  me possible.  I can’t do that if I stay behind this mask. I have learned over the years of being a parent that children are always watching and they are more perceptive than we ever give them credit for and most important they are always learning from us!

I bless everyone that I can. Just as Peter healed the lamed beggar  (see Acts 3:1-26) “Peter told the beggar he did not have any silver and gold, but something better he had the Holy Spirit.” I may not have money to give, but I do have conversation and time which are very precious indeed to person who is always multitasking and on the go.

An example would be when I am shopping at the local the WalMart there is a Heavenly Angel on here on Earth named Brenda who is greeter that works the door. She is truly anointed and I could be annoyed, pissed, throwed off in some kind of way and when Brenda is that door and I enter into her presence my mood instantly changes and I can feel the Spirit of God move around me. I can’t really explain it except for how I just did.

I am not sorry for the battle of depression that I am fighting. I am not sorry for the trials and tribulations that I am going through, because they are making me smarter and stronger. I am not sorry for the way I raised or by whom, because being raised in generational home in a small town (Tyler, TX) was the greatest thing in (beside having my kids) my life!  Having my grandfather and Uncle Sunny in the same house growing up was special and being able to have my momma in the same house for 7 years  in our home was a blessing to my kids and myself. Yes, he hated after a while ( read yesterday blog to find out why), but my kids and momma now have a special unbreakable bond because of it!

The Question is how?

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Tonight again my husband and I got into a heated battle no punches are thrown just verbal assaults going both ways. He tells me that I need let go of my pain so that I wont be depressed, but this is like me saying to him let go of your PTSD all the visions that hunt you from your tours over seas. It can’t be done over night and I have more guilt and grief than just about my grandmother dying. I carry my uncle and the heart crushing words my grandfather said to me on his death bed. He tells me to get help and I think to myself what the hell do you think I am trying to do? Every other word out his mouth Fuck you! and our 3 kids are standing at the door and he like I don’t care and I tell him I can see that! This man has been married 2 times b4 me and now I have to wonder why they didn’t work out… why one or both ex wives cheated on him, why his ex girlfriends cheated on him and secretly married other men while he was away serving his country? He doesn’t think he needs help but he does and he needs it badly.. while I know that I am depressed and that I am reaching out doctors to talk to professionals what he is doing? NOTHING!! Yet he tells me to let go and move on… Are you fucking kidding me? OAN did I mention he is minister? There are times I call him a hypocrite because he is one way at church and another here at home. In my old neighborhood thats called being 2 faced! I know he wants sex, tenderness, closeness and all the things that I can’t give him right now, but all I asked from him was time, respect and understanding… what do I get instead I won’t you and the kids gone by the time I get home from work on Monday.. I told him thats not happening if you want to go – go, but I am on this lease and I am staying! Plus being unemployed and waiting for my financial aid from school to kick in I don’t have money to drive us to Austin and no where to stay. If we do move I want to make sure that all my duckies are lined up and we have place to go and I have job and the kids are enrolled in school. It was left to me to explain to my 6 year diva that just cuz we fight and your hear foul language I never want to hear you repeat those words and know that you are very loved by both your parents and that nothing we say today or any other day has nothing to do with you and your brothers its just right now your parents love each other but we just dont like each other and thats ok because the Bible states we are love one another not like each other.. I hugged her and kissed her and made sure she understund and then she asked for cake and was all smiles and playful.. Children are resiliant too bad adults are not like children if we were I think the world would be better off! I going to take Lunista and pass out for the night – its just too much for me at the moment not even burying myself in my textbooks can stop me from thinking about getting the same bed as a man that I don’t like, but still love with all that I am but a man that has no clue about what I am going through and is frustrated because he cant get laid by his wife due to her depression… Such is my life is sad little nutshell……

Today

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This is me today.. I sit in a dark room with dark sun glasses on typing this out… why you ask? When my wonderful yet loud kids awoke me at 9 am bouncing on my bed I had a horrid, head splitting, vise grip holding migraine.. I rushed to my office and took my new meds and then about 2 hours or so later took another pill (I can take up to 4 in one day) another 2 or 3 hours pass I take another pill (different Rx) another 2 hours pass I take 2 excedrine migraine and guess what at 5:08 pm (exact time it is now) my head still is in that same damm vice grip.. I have not washed dishes, or done anything except showered in the dark and fed, kissed and hugged my kids. I have put my head down on my desk with a towel over my eyes to block out what little light is coming in my office. My stomach is hurting all that I have eaten was breakfast sausage before giving it to my son to eat and a bag of chips and now I am eating tums as well. So go figure…. right?

On top of all of this the man that I love and the father of my kids, texts me and says that he didnt mean to call me a failure last night but he needs me to do more to turn him on to have sex. I told him have you not been listening to me – 1. I don’t like my body 2. I can’t shake this depression and it seems to be getting worse 3. If I don’t like who I am how in the hell do you think I am suppose to want to turn you on to f*ck or make love? 4. Yes you say I am sexy and beautiful and I thank you, but if I don’t feel it or see it then there is nothing  except try to fake it and right now I am really no good at that. 5. Today’s migraine on a scale of 1 to 10 is off the charts and NOTHING is helping especially this conversation.. I sit in my office crying from the pain and who knows what else… I express myself through pictures more than words when talkin to him and others because they can convey what I can not at times.

Today sucks ass and its not getting better…It sucks to be me

 

Today….

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Today I started Concordia University to get my masters in education. It is the only thing that has brought even a simbulance of a smile.Even though the days through my eyes are still grey and I barely feel like moving from this very spot there is still a small bright spot with me being in class and my kids running around the house.

I found this picture to be a very strong warrior type of woman  the kind of woman i USED to be and hope to be again someday.  I have yet again another migraine and it is affecting my mood and attitude. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take before I find other methods to feel relief. No worries I hate needles, cant stand to put anything in nose, to chicken to cut myself and I don’t drink often and I don’t do drugs. So I don’t what I can find for relief, but I will find something somewhere from someone.  Right now I guess I will just hold on to feeling about starting school and take my script for migraines that DO NOT work..I don’t even have appetite. Its almost 4 pm and I had to force myself to eat a bag of chips even then my son came and I gave them to him so I had maybe 5 chips out of it… UGGGG 

I just dont know

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As a child my my life was idealic and great. I had no responsibilties, no chores, do demands on my time… Life was good. As i sit and watch the show Salem I think about my past, my present and wonder about my future.  My past was as I said idealic.. I participated in pagents, went to church, sang in the choir, played with my older brother and went to DQ with my grandfather.  Outside of my uncle who was an alcoholic, but he was funny and never violent to anyone and the fights between my gramps and mom.. my mom and her baby sister (who thought she was better than my mom) life was great…

Then my uncle died… and I just went stupid and hung out with losers, gang bangers, drug dealers, etc… then my gramps died and I did more of the same…went to juvenile hall… county jail once…and it was in county jail that I had my awakening… I knew I was better than the life I was living but I was searching for what I had lost when my uncle and gramps died.  I never found it in the people I hung out with or the men I dated… I was living a rather sad life… In jail as I said I woke up and decided to go to college and get my degree dispite my aunt (momma’s younger sister) telling me I would not amount anything, I would be a no body, I would not graduate from college and that I would just be all around loser. Tell me I can’t do something and I will show you that I can do it better than you. 

Graduate from college I did in 2003 and out in the real world I went. I still attracted losers and couldn’t figure out why thats all that I was attracting…then it dawned on me that I am attracting what I think I want or need in  my life. While I was educated in books and the street I still felt that I didnt deserve more than what I had. Which was NOTHING.. Yes, I had a great job, my own apartment, degree on the wall, but the men were just low class losers or booty calls (I called them when I wanted it ).  I paid my bills, went out with friends, went to church, hung out with family,etc, but deep down inside I was still missing something and lacking something and I just could not figure out what it was and to this day I still don’t know.

After I just got tired of dating losers I said a very simple prayer “Lord, when your ready for me to fall in love and marry you will put him on my door step” and with that in a few months I guess I got an email from Yahoo personals that someone sent me a “like you” or wink and since I set this up when I was bored freshman in college I had forgot the password and that I even had an account. I reset my password and went to check out what guy liked my pic and profile. I read his pictureless profile and he sounded nice and all.. I replied back with a simple thank you for emailing me, etc etc etc… anyway, we chatted for a few months, then moved on to phone calls, we set up some dates that he always cancelled for work or some other reasons and normally that would not bother me, but I fell in love with a voice and profile…(hold your judgement to yourself). We finally we out on a date and we had fun and thinking he had a hotel room to go too only to find out he didnt he stayed with me and we (if you have seen the movie Waiting to Exhale the hotel scene with Angela Bassett and Wesley Snipes are asleep in the bed) fully dressed and he proposed but not knowing that I am light sleeper I heard him and I asked him about it the next day and he did it formally on one knee in the middle of a crowded movie parking lot and I said yes of course.. Ten (10) years married 11 all together and 3 kids later we are still together and through the grace of God and prayer we are making it, but this depression is more than I can explain to anyone and that fact that I can’t shake it is really disturbing me and pissing me off. Having migraines everyday with the exception of maybe one day a month. My exams blood and CT all come back negative and thats a good thing, but doesn’t give me relief or stop the depression. Now I truly know whats it means when people say “child be in no hurry to grow up”..

I knew what happiness was once… I hope to find it again one day

I’m not living… I’m just breathing

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If only the world knew just how true that saying the picture is.. especially for me.  I have had my ups and down and yes, I have fought the devil and his many menions and won a few fights; however; I was fighting for family not myself. I rarely think I am worth fighting for and the good days (few and far between) that I do care about myself it fads fast when the depression sinks in and the migraines attack. For the last 3 to 4 months I have had daily migraines and that alone depresses the hell out of me cuz it affects my mood with my kids and everyone else. I do my best to hide and smile and say “I’m ok”.. Do you know how hard it is to type in the dark or the light of an IPad and tv  because the overhead lights are to bright?  Before you ask I have had tests run to include a CT and they all come back negative and therefore my dr has no clue whats wrong and since they are not on Friday I am sure I won’t hear from them till Monday or sometime next week.

Right now my head feels like its in a vice grip and someone is turning the crank on this vice grip to the point that my head is about to pop off or my skull is gonna crack open and my brain is gonna ooze out everywhere.  Therefore, when I say I am not living… I am merely breathing that is exactly what I mean. This is no way for anyone to live…