Depression Consumes An Idol

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINeeLet me start by offering my condolences to the family JongHyun. It is with my saddest thoughts, heart and soul that I pray God help you all through this time of grief and mourning. Please know that United Kpop Armies around the globe are mourning with you over the loss of your son, brother, cousin, uncle, nephew, and our idol. While I was not apart of the SHINee Army I did enjoy the music and the interviews where JongHyun would do the speaking. I often would go back to my archives and look at the interviews where he would talk about his personal views on himself and he would cry. I would catch myself because I know how he feels to be in that black hole called depression to see nothing but blackness, to be swallowed up and not know how to fight your way out, to think that no one loves you, to not see that roses for the darkness, to cast the blame all on you,etc. I am still in that same spot, however the only reason that I am still here is because of my 3 kids and I recently found my mother in her bathroom dead of cancer back in October and I don’t want my kids to experience that horror and have to live with it like I do now.

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINee 2 Not only do I have to live that, but I have to live with knowing that a really good friend and former Army wife (life me) killed herself the very next day after we talked. We video chatted on FB and noticed the signs. I saw the darkness in her eyes, but Mek Mek had a way of pulling herself out her funk and putting a smile on her face that said “hey through the grace of God I am ok today”. Something in me knew that day was different and something said call her and talk to her, but as mother of 3 (just like her we have twins and older child) I just knew she would live for them. Then I the next day I was sitting on my living room sofa when a Min. Pamela Gay called me from GA and told me the Meka was dead…my world shattered…it went black…. and I knew it was my fault. She took a gun and shot herself because she just could not handle the depression and PTSD that was eating up her world and her soul.

If you do not suffer from deep depression and anxiety then you will never truly understand what this post is really about. For those of that do we are not looking for sympathy, but we do want understanding. We don’t want charity, but we want you to care enough to try to understand how we feel on a daily basis. We don’t want you to crowd us, but give us enough space to breathe, yet stay close enough catch us when suffocating. Most of all know that when we say we are OK it is a call for help and that we really do want to talk about it, but in our own space and time. Some of us may not know how to express it words so we may write it down and if that is case do not yell or get angry just accept it and read it and reply in the same manner. Some may send and email or text if that is case then just reciprocate in kind. If that person chooses to open up and talk then sit quietly and take it all in moment by moment. Do not interject yourself in the conversation and make it about you for that will only shut that depressed person down and most likely (if they are like me) they will never open up to you again. Please remember it is NOT about the listener – it is ONLY about the one talking

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINee 3 JongHyun said in every video and in his will that all he wanted was for someone to say “Well done” and to give him his flowers while he was living. For me (in my opinion) I really don’t think that JongHyun saw the raw emotional love he received from band, the SHINee Army, family, friends, etc on the daily basis. What most people do not understand when you are part of a KPop Army you just in “fandom” you are part of a loyal family of fans that ride or die for their group, idol, soloist, etc. They just don’t attend concerts, buy remorbilia, write letters, make IG/FB pages, make fan art, request to join the group, idol, soloist, label pages, etc. We actually celebrate with them when it’s their birthday, when they get married, have a baby, make blockbuster movie, etc. We are sadden when lose a loved one, pet, when they are not picked for an well deserved award, get divorced, break up with girl/boyfriend, gets hurt on stage performing or a movie tanks,etc.  What I am saying is the Armies and the stans are one and the same. We feel what they feel. We go through what they go everything they go through – so when JongHyun took his life this hit all Armies across the board very hard. He was one our own and we loved him very much and we should him how much daily and I just don’t think the darkness allowed the light of our love to seep in at all.  We told him how great, awesome, sexy, sweet, beautiful, talented he was not just as a performer, but as a person. We told him how beautiful his soul was because not many performers would let themselves break down and cry on video and show their pure innocence and raw soul for the whole world to see. This is why we are so attracted to you as a person, performer, as JongHyun!

SM Entertainment The Ballad Vol.2 Joint Recital Your smile was so beautiful and now when I look in the heavens I can see you standing next to my Grams, mom, grandfather and uncles smiling down on me. Your free now from the darkness and the pain. Your at the Father’s feet where he say to you “Well done my son welcome home.”  Be free Kim Jong-Hyun and know that we your Army have always said we love you now and forever… Be free Kim Jong-Hyun and know that your Army has always said well done!

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A New Day

DIVA ROCKIN THE DO

 

Today I got up and there was actually light instead of darkness in front of me, but that all came crashing down when I took my kids to VBS at our church and was told that my twin boys who are 4 years old could not come to VBS class unless I was going to stay with them cuz the little old ladies could handle 2 boys who have not been in school EVER!!! My kids are great kids and I don’t say that because they are mine, but because it is the true fact. When I was going to VBS as a child the ladies could handle ANY child, and ANY behavior – these old ladies can’t handle crap!

It doesn’t help when one pulled me aside and said “are you going to stay because we CAN”T PADDLE them.” Lay your hand on my child and I am going to lay my fist upside your head and my foot up your ass! You don’t touch my kids that’s my job not yours! My mom used to tell the principal of Griffin Elementary in Tyler, TX when he wanted to paddle my brother or me “THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB – I’M HIS/HER MOTHER AND IT’S MINE TO DISCIPLINE MY CHILD!” I told one woman if you can’t handle pair twin 4-year-old boys who only want play then what is your purpose cuz you don’t know what you’re doing. She was about to fix her lips to say something stupid and thought twice when I looked at her she quickly shut her mouth and I realized that I was just getting madder by being there (and this is CHURCH my CHURCH where I go to PRAISE GOD) and I know now why the pastor says there are WITCHES in the church and I believe that I found one today.

It is so sad that even in the church the DEVIL is present and running loose – its funny I always thought that was the one place the devil should flee and never want to be, but I know now that I am dead wrong. There are days that the darkness are more than I can stand and that it feels like God has given up on me and my situation, but today even through this mess I am feeling blessed and loved.  Somedays, I long for a margarita or martini and nicely hand rolled Cuban cigar a cabana on the beach to look out into the ocean and see beautiful fish, whales, dolphins, smell the fresh air, feel the sand beneath my feet – just be on the beach with a great book and no cares or worries for only a month…I wanna day without a migraine… a day without being lonely despite having a house full of people…a day without noise…. just a day to be at peace with self, God, Earth,etc..

I just dont know

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As a child my my life was idealic and great. I had no responsibilties, no chores, do demands on my time… Life was good. As i sit and watch the show Salem I think about my past, my present and wonder about my future.  My past was as I said idealic.. I participated in pagents, went to church, sang in the choir, played with my older brother and went to DQ with my grandfather.  Outside of my uncle who was an alcoholic, but he was funny and never violent to anyone and the fights between my gramps and mom.. my mom and her baby sister (who thought she was better than my mom) life was great…

Then my uncle died… and I just went stupid and hung out with losers, gang bangers, drug dealers, etc… then my gramps died and I did more of the same…went to juvenile hall… county jail once…and it was in county jail that I had my awakening… I knew I was better than the life I was living but I was searching for what I had lost when my uncle and gramps died.  I never found it in the people I hung out with or the men I dated… I was living a rather sad life… In jail as I said I woke up and decided to go to college and get my degree dispite my aunt (momma’s younger sister) telling me I would not amount anything, I would be a no body, I would not graduate from college and that I would just be all around loser. Tell me I can’t do something and I will show you that I can do it better than you. 

Graduate from college I did in 2003 and out in the real world I went. I still attracted losers and couldn’t figure out why thats all that I was attracting…then it dawned on me that I am attracting what I think I want or need in  my life. While I was educated in books and the street I still felt that I didnt deserve more than what I had. Which was NOTHING.. Yes, I had a great job, my own apartment, degree on the wall, but the men were just low class losers or booty calls (I called them when I wanted it ).  I paid my bills, went out with friends, went to church, hung out with family,etc, but deep down inside I was still missing something and lacking something and I just could not figure out what it was and to this day I still don’t know.

After I just got tired of dating losers I said a very simple prayer “Lord, when your ready for me to fall in love and marry you will put him on my door step” and with that in a few months I guess I got an email from Yahoo personals that someone sent me a “like you” or wink and since I set this up when I was bored freshman in college I had forgot the password and that I even had an account. I reset my password and went to check out what guy liked my pic and profile. I read his pictureless profile and he sounded nice and all.. I replied back with a simple thank you for emailing me, etc etc etc… anyway, we chatted for a few months, then moved on to phone calls, we set up some dates that he always cancelled for work or some other reasons and normally that would not bother me, but I fell in love with a voice and profile…(hold your judgement to yourself). We finally we out on a date and we had fun and thinking he had a hotel room to go too only to find out he didnt he stayed with me and we (if you have seen the movie Waiting to Exhale the hotel scene with Angela Bassett and Wesley Snipes are asleep in the bed) fully dressed and he proposed but not knowing that I am light sleeper I heard him and I asked him about it the next day and he did it formally on one knee in the middle of a crowded movie parking lot and I said yes of course.. Ten (10) years married 11 all together and 3 kids later we are still together and through the grace of God and prayer we are making it, but this depression is more than I can explain to anyone and that fact that I can’t shake it is really disturbing me and pissing me off. Having migraines everyday with the exception of maybe one day a month. My exams blood and CT all come back negative and thats a good thing, but doesn’t give me relief or stop the depression. Now I truly know whats it means when people say “child be in no hurry to grow up”..

I knew what happiness was once… I hope to find it again one day