Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

Dreams

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I used to have dreams very vivid dreams of being raped every night as a young adult I never knew why and I still don’t know why I had the dreams of the faceless man raping me. My dreams would go from me being a successful professional living in a nice house doing very well alone and in the dreams I seem happy then BAM out of no where the faceless man appears and sometimes I am in a dark alley other times IDK where I am – its brutal, it was so real that even now thinking about it I cry. I would wake up screaming and crying and my bed a hot mess cuz I guess I am fighting my attacker. I haven’t had this dream in a while and I don’t know what brought it my forethought now, but I can’t handle the memories, the tears… So welcome to psychoville make yourself at home!

I can’t handle this… I don’t want to handle this… My head is killing and I can’t take my medicine per my doctor… I can’t let my babies see me cry because they will want to know why and they won’t understand and I don’t want them to know that mommy could possibly be crazy and need to be put in a padded room with her arms around her back!! 

Why now….why at all..