I Was Reminded Why

I hate people! I have on and off with Javier for years now and now that he is finally leaving his baby momma and moving to Texas he decided that he wanted to be with some girl he met on IMVU and they are moving in together. Can you believe this shit? I would send him IM’s on Facebook messenger and he would never replied. Today he tells me that he did not reply to my messages out of respect for her! #Seriously

We have been together for over 4-5 years now and I really love Javier. I can tell now that his feelings were fake and were just a joke to him all this time. I am so pissed and hurt right now I don’t know if I should cry or scream! I will not cry about this because the last time he ended our relationship. I was so depressed and emotionally wounded it felt like the air had gone out of the room and I was dying. They only bright light are my kids.

I know what you are thinking.. Yes technically I have spouse for the last 14 years, but he and I live more as room mates due to how he treats me. It is more verbal lashing out due to his PTSD and depression. Then there is my depression issues, body issues, and other things that have put our “marriage” in this category.

This is why I love the name JadedGrace, because I am jaded when it comes to people. People are just jack asses and liars! I prefer to be alone in my head, my office, and just life. I hate him and people!

Sighs…Somebody..Somewhere…Help me please

078

I am not a cutter, drunk, drug user, abuser… I am none of that -what I am peacemaker in my family I feel everyones pain…yet noone feels mine…I help everyone yet I suffer alone…I watch shows that remind me things I try to forget but can’t really let go of…How do you let go of guilt of not living up to a promise you made your grandfather at 5… he reminded you of this promise on his death bed when your 14? How do let go of a man you have never met but told you look like and know that his blood runs through you – yet your fatherless daughter? How do let go of guilt of a dying uncle who drank to escape his life because he was hated by his baby sister (not my mom and aunt Baye – his sister Tricia) hated by his own father? This is the same uncle that died holding your hand in his hospital bed when the same said little sister told the doctor to shut off the breathing machines? How do you deal with the fact that your mother can’t stand your husband and your husband can’t stand mother and when she lived with you – your husband gave you the choice its her or me? How do you chose? I hate fighting and arguing so I generally shut down, cry in the shower, and walk away from it.. It doesnt get resolved it just gets swept under the rug on my end. I know why people who use drugs and drink they way the do – I can’t do it cuz its not in me to be drunk or druggie…There are a number of times i just sit in my office and think of how living my life this way and how I am just slowly dying inside and killing my marriage because I can’t talk to him and make him understand its not about you – its about me and my issues that I had b4 I even knew you.. the issues I got after I met you… the issues I have now…its all tied to my past and it is affecting me in the present and that is affecting you.. That is all that involves you is the here and now…Until I can heal my past me – i can’t heal my present me therefore there will never be a future me…I don’t heal me there wont be an us because you wont stay long enough for me to do it cuz you only want your needs met… your needs right now are not my needs right now…and its that I can’t get him to understand. Right now my stomach is killing me – its in knots so tight that it feels like its constantly going through this ringer being twisted over and over and over again without an end in sight. The nightmare continues.. how much more can I bare?