Where To Start and What To Leave Behind?

I know what you are thinking and yes, I am back and I pray God willing that I will be able to keep this blog going and maybe pick up some partnerships along the way, but that is not the sole purpose of this blog.  This is the only way to get my feelings out and not have them break me in every way.

I can not believe that 2018 is coming to an end and 2019 is about to end.  It seems like yesterday I was writing on here about 2017 and little did I know I would be losing my mother and trying to find myself all in the same year.Well, I am still dealing with the loss of my mother an I have yet to put my life back together.

I am truly at a loss for what my life is supposed to be about. No matter how much I pray and ask God for the “big picture” of my future I have yet to see it. I don’t know what to do with myself so Monday through Friday I go to the gym and eat good for you food and only to find out that I am weighing about as much as I did before I had Gastric Bypass about 7 or so years ago. It is like I hit the age that I am and BOOM perimenapause and bam damm the weight just came from nowhere. I mean I work out, eat spinach, baked or grilled meats, fruit, protein shakes, drink plenty of water, etc so I don’t know where the fat is coming from. It really sucks to not be able to sleep comfortably at night, knee pain, lower back pain, etc. I am just so uncomfortable these days. I went from 149 to 208 and I hate the way that I look and feel.

I have tried every fad diet, gel, pill you name it and I am ready to just tell my doctor to schedule me to have gastric bypass again, because I can not live like this.. Hell, I don’t want to live this way.. The only thing that stops me for just ending it all is that I have 3 kids that need me and I need them. And yes, I am married for 14 years and my marriage could be better, but I know that I am 50% too  blame because I have no sex drive and I can’t even muster the will to fake it. He is to blame as well, because his temper is crazy one minute he is calm and cool and the next microsecond he is cussing and screaming at us for whatever reason. Granted his PTSD is part of this equation, but you can not read the Bible and turn around and start yelling and tossing out cuss words like it is a dude in the strip club throwing one dollar bills at strippers.

I stop trying to change him years ago and started trying to change me instead. I read my Bible, journal my thoughts and prayers, give Him praise for who He is and not what He does for me or my family. I truly believe that there is more out there for me and I can’t achieve them living here Pineville. I need to be in a big commerce city and not this pony town, but he hates big cities yet the reason we are here… let’s not go there. LOL

God willing I will keep this up and no fears there will be no selling of anything from me to anyone. This is just about me trying to live my best life and your are welcome join me on this journey.

Buckle up butter cup it is gonna be a bumpy ride!!!

 

1st Christmas and Then There’s 2018

Merry Christmas y’all! It took me sometime to get my thoughts right to write this blog, because this is my first Christmas without my mom. I got up on Christmas and I wanted to call my mom and say “Merry Christmas momma”  and as I go for my phone her picture and dark blue urn are staring me in the face. It’s like a WHAM I can’t call her anymore. No more 10 page text messages. No more hearing her say “I love you babygirl.” No more hearing her call me babygirl…

The only difference between Christmas of 2016 is that Rob fought with my momma. They both said dreadful words to each other and this Christmas was no different except this year except my momma was not here and the harshness was done from their side only, but that is an everyday occurance when they get together.

Now 2018, is thundering in and everyone is saying speak your life into existence. Funny thing is I have been doing that for years and I am still struggling in quicksand.  Spending 5 days in the hospital and not really knowing if I would be home before Christmas or not made me think about my life.

Growing up I would dream of traveling the world. Experiencing life through the eyes and taste buds other people, cultures, places, etc. Paris is the place that dreamed of most because it is so beautiful and romantic. Paris is full of rich history, style, fashion, iconic legends live there and were forced to run to Europe due to racist times in this country.  As I grew up I wanted to go to London to just eat fish and fries LOL. In London I just wanted to be a tourist and take in the sites and sounds. Then there is Asia…I want to visit every place in Asia from Tokyo to Malaysia. Possibly live in Asia (mainly Seoul) and visit Busan beaches and eateries. Then head to the land down under Australia and play with a few kangaroos, go to the opera, beaches, visit a few pubs and shops. Zip over to Germany backpack to Zurich and everywhere in between just to try the food, perhaps visit the places that not on the tourist map (if you know what I mean).

Where did that world traveler go? A part of her has been dying since the day her Uncle Sunny died. It didn’t help that she lost her grandfather next. This man who raised 5 kids stepped in and became her father figure – Gone!  While it was a few years in between (it seemed like warp speed) when I was told that my Uncle Walter was in hospice and dying. I went everyday after school to make sure he ate, had his favorite sodas, cigarettes, etc. Then before I knew it sitting on my couch in LA watching tv my momma calls and says “baby girl grandma is gone” What do mean gone momma? I believe that is when my world actually shattered a bit and the curtain was torn down.  Then this past October my world just flat out broke/shattered/splintered in all  4 corners. To find her… just blew up every myth about life I ever held true.

Now, I am going into 2018 and I have always spoke life, good health, wealth, joy and happiness over myself, but I look in the mirror and I hardly know this person. I see my momma and grandmother’s face looking back at me (they are both extremely beautiful women), but I have to wonder where is that wide-eyed, modern day wanderer who wrote poetry, whose smile was not a mask, who never questioned her existence or reason for being on this earth.

Then I look at 3 faces that I brought into this world and think maybe you are the reason why I am here,  but I am not just destined to be June Cleaver or am I. I still dream of travelling the world and living in Asia, but when you have a “help mate” that hates to travel, fly, experience life abroad. I want to teach overseas. Here I am going into another year.. Dreams unfulfilled or is that Dreams Deferred? I really don’t know….

You my loyal readers are my outlet to the world…Go into the new year with a hope and prayer for a new you.. #Doyou and Inspire as you go along whatever path you take. If the path your own is no longer the way you want to go then change the path and keep it moving.

As for me I am going find a medium that works for me. Something that makes me happy, be in a place that makes me happy, find peace in myself and my surroundings. I am tired of the noise that never seems to end. Maybe my heartbeat will do a quick step and the migraines will just disappear.  And I will no longer feel like I am squished in a box under that car crusher machine in the junkyard on a daily basis.