Lost

The closer my birthday gets the more lost I feel. I took my mother’s picture off the wall and slept with it. I wanted to feel her arms around me just one ?What I have I accomplished? Where have I traveled?

I have gained so much weight and I can’t seem to lose and the desire and fire that I had to go to the gym … well that is slowly dying too. I once had faith that I could do it and be 149lbs again, but that momma is slowly leaving me too. I used to be a big girl then I tasted the slimmer side of life… size 10 jeans, small to medium shirts, size 0 dresses have all just blown up.

Life is too hard with out having you here to talk to… I just lost in this life and I don’t know that I can or want to be found again. I have gotten back to watching they use to bring me happiness.  Seeing the actors go through trials and then finding happiness. Crying in my office used to bring me peace so to speak. Now I wish I had your bed because I felt so close to you when I was in your apartment sleeping in your bed.

I really miss you momma and I don’t know that this pain will ever go away.

How? Why? I just don’t get it

I am mom and I love my kids with all my heart and soul. As a young woman I never really wanted kids, I just wanted a career and mate. I wanted to travel the world and live my best life.

As a teen I gave my mother hell with my behavior outside the home, but I was NEVER disrespectful to her. I never talked to her any kind of way because I knew she would beat my ass and dare me to call the police.

Skip ahead to being married for 14 years and having a ballsy 11 year old daughter. She is bright and beautiful, however, she thinks that her ratchet little friends at school are some type of way to their parents that it is ok for her be that way.  Well, today that child has just crossed a line with me that she can’t come back from.  My heart rate is 106 right now and I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing. I was ready to lay my hands on her and just complete fuck her world up, but in my heart I was praying for God to hold me back cuz I could kill her literally right now.

She had the nerve to try to take me down over taking her Kindle (that I bought) because I told her she can not got some radio station or whatever to hang out with her friends. We as a family have some place to be today. She knew about this yesterday and she knew that and because it is the last day of school that she is gonna get buck and feel froggy with me. Well, she learned real fast that I am not the one to want on your bad side. I told her that what ever she wants or needs to ask her dad, bc I am done. I mean that I am over it and from this day forward God and her father have her in their hands.

It is going to be long long long time for me to even want to deal with her on any kind of level.

#tiredmomma #godhasit #changeisgonnacome #ugggmylife

I Am Not Skurred

He said “next time I won’t be so nice” LOL is that a threat? If so honey I am NOT SKURRED! You already know that I am grown ass woman and I do what I have to survive on the daily. I made the choice to be a stay at home mom so that no one else would be raising our kids. What do I get dumb ass threats from you just days from Mother’s Day.

You forget that we would not be in this position if you had honored our agreement once we you retired from the Army. But NO with out talking to me you moved us here where I can not get a job, I don’t know anyone, and I am isolated from everyone I know and love. You have the audacity to come at me once again side ways. I don’t know who you think you are, but let me introduce myself!

I am the daughter of single parent who is college educated and knows the ways of the streets. I am woman of faith who knows how to defend her kids and herself. I am born and bred Texan who is not afraid of a fight. I won’t start one, but I will finish it. I don’t argue with fools and simply refuse to let you steal my joy.

You seem to forget that all I need to live is the Love of God and my kids. For I know that God has my back so does my family and friends back home. It took me a while to realize that I am still the same woman I have always been even though I lost myself when I married you, because I wanted to make you happy and keep your love, but guess what boo… I love me (I may not like how  I look), but I am beautiful in my chaotic life. Everything I have had to endure in these 14 years has mad me stronger, wiser, toughened my outer shell and made my heart more able to endure everything this swamp and you throw at me.

So you see everything my mother tried to implore for me to learn during those 8 years she lived with us in GA I have finally learned. It is my sole desire to be just half the mother to my kids as she is to me. So let this to be a warning to you I know what a struggle it is to be a single mother, but I am more than capable to of doing it alone.

You harp about us being one mind and body, but since you have to real evidence that you know what that really means I leave that to be your homework. As it plays out like baseball 3 strikes and your OUT! Don’t lose everything because of your anger, ego, you ideals that only work in your head.

Only you can fix you..No, only you and Jesus can fix you for the better!

Life

They tell you life is what you make it well, I am here to tell you that is not always the truth. Life is what happens to you and how you deal with it.

Growing up with just my mom and brother I really never felt like that I was missing from my life.. Like a father. Don’t get me wrong I had my grandfather and my Uncle Sunny, but they can not replace the man that help make you. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that the blackness of my soul and the hole in the center of my heart could never be filled by anyone but him.

I lived the cliche of “looking for love in all the wrong places”

and it was “fun”, but it never filled my life with long term joy. It was only momentary. I looked under every rock, cranny, hole and club for the one that fill that hole and no one could ever fill it.

Speed to the present where I have done my DNA, talk to private investigators, anyone who I thought could help and nothing. My mom died almost 2 years ago of breast cancer and my grams died a few years before that. So the only people that could help me…can’t.

I am mom of three beautiful, talented, smart and charismatic kids that give me love, joy, and they are the center of my world and their love fills up my heart, but I still miss and need him. Some say how can you miss someone you never knew? Easy I am little girl that longs to feel her father arms around her to tell her that she is going to be just fine.

I know at this stage in my life I will most likely never met my father and have those moments, but it was my only promise that I made to myself years ago that if I ever had kids they would always know their father and forge a bond with him. I would stay with him for them even if the marriage or whatever did not work. Thus far I have kept that promise.

This is my life….Your welcomed to it

Mother’s Day

Every where around the world on May 9th will be celebrating their moms in some form or fashion. On May 9th I will talking to my mother’s urn. Breast cancer is no fucking punk and when it moves to your brain the strongest woman you know is reduced someone that can’t talk it wrecks your soul to it’s very core,

If you were not raised in a single parent home where your mother was also your father then you won’t understand any of this. For a latch key kid to lose her only parent it is million times worse than one that loses one parent but has the other to lean on. Please understand that a lose is hard no matter who you are, but when your grandparents, 2 uncles, and your mom are all in heaven you are essentially an orphan. So I totally relate to Blanch when she said “I am nobody’s daughter anymore.”

I am a mother of 3 and I will smile for them, but I will be empty on the inside. Not because of my kids because they are my whole reason for being, but I don’t have any texts, letters or voice mail saved from my mother.

You know what my worst nightmare is? Forgetting what she smelled like, how she sounded, what her handwriting looked like, what if I can’t remember her jokes (she had no sense of humor). My momma was my biggest cheerleader no matter what I wanted to do, or what I did. As a teen I was hell on wheels and she never gave up on me and when I was in trouble legally she was just there when others said I would never amount to anything.

Even after I got my life together and graduated college… She was there to pay for my wedding gown, give me money when me and him couldn’t make ends meet.  His family was never there to help, but I could pick of the phone and she was always there. She lived with us for 8 years and that was the happiest of my life that I could take her dr appt, shopping and she loved my babies to death. My kids and my mother bonded like no other and every day they say how much they miss my momma and that they wish she never died. I know their pain

My mom is my world! Everyday I still cry because I miss her so much. I pray to God to let her come to me in a dream like He did with my Uncle Sunny and grandma. I have smelled her White Diamond perfume once or twice and try to hold on to that smell instead of the nightmares I continue to have of finding her deceased in her bathroom. I hurt so much that I could not save  her. As I write this with my full of tears I am praying  to hear from her, see her, talk to her, tell her I love her, oh to HUG and KISS her one more time. Just one more time…..

 

#Mothersday #aloneandlost #depressionandsadness #orphaned

Letter to my younger self

Dear Younger Me,

I want you to know that life in your 40’s is full of ups and downs, but you weathered every storm with prayer and meditation. In your late 20’s you will be married to the one that you believe God made for you. Then you will get bitten by the baby bug and you would eventually have 3 beautiful kids and find your place in this world. You will have the opportunity to care for your kids and your mom for 8 years in GA. It is during this time that you are put in the middle of the fighting and feuding between your mother and husband. It is during this time depression hits you hard and the only one to notice is your mother and you are doing your best to hide from the world. Yet, your help mate takes no notice of your sinking into the bleak blackness of despair.

You lose over 100+ pounds after your gastric bypass and your wearing a size 10 skinny jeans and size 0 dresses. What can go wrong? You are moved to the swamp and weighed down by cluster migraines and have no relief. You hit para-menopause and the sex drive (you never had) has completely left, your nerves are on edge, you can’t find work and hate the town you live in. Then it happens…. Your brother calls and tells you that you need to go home and be with momma. The tone in his voice tells you how serious this is and the one that is the father of your kids tells you “people die” with no feeling or sympathy whats so ever.

You get to spend 4 beautiful days with your mom before you find her in her bathroom dead. That picture hunts your every thought and dream. You have no closure and all you want to do is run away from everything, but you don’t because you are the only protector your kids have and if you left what would your mom think and say?

I know that this letter seems gloomy and full of foreboding, but I am here to tell you that there is a glint of light at the end of your tunnel. You stand on faith that all will be well because that is what your God tells you.  So JadedGypsy know this lean not on your own understanding, but wait on the Lord.

Are You Free?

What does it mean to be free? Is being free waking up everyday? Getting to eat what you want? Going into your favorite department store? What the hell is free and being free really mean?

Let me tell you what being free means to me…. Being free is loving who I want the way I want. Being free is able to know and love myself completely. Being free is knowing that as a biracial woman nay an African woman that is pained by all the death I’ve seen in my life. Living in and with depression and migraines are not in line with being free, but it is large part of my life.

How am I not free? I am woman who lives in a Mayberry-ish town and the KKK are out and free to do as they chose. Racist are no longer keeping their hate and rage under wraps they are out calling the police if we take a deep breath on the sidewalk. The news is full of stories like this and it hurts me to the very depth of my core and it scares me raising 3 Black babies what they will do to my kids when they are not in my eye sight.

I am free to heal the brokenness that is me. The question is how do I heal myself and be free? How do I love others when I hardly love myself? Is this co-dependence Ilyana Vanzant? Giving my kids what I did not have as a child I think is the greatest gift I can give them. I have not idea what the world is really like anymore. I depend on him for all things, because I can’t find a job to solely depend on myself,  I learned something that could be the first step in getting free and that is what Ilyana Vanzant said that we are not fight flesh… We are fighting demons and principalities of our thoughts.  Change the way you think you can change your life. Isn’t that what they say?

So I ask again are you free? What does being free really mean?

Have you ever wished you were someone else? That you looked like Gal Godot, Beyonce, or some model? How about running away from your life? Just packing a bag, going to the airport and booking flight to anywhere, but where you are at this moment?

This is my life….don’t get me wrong I love my family, but I feel  suffocated here.  I am from the big city of Austin that is growing by leaps and bounds daily. The city has a life of it’s own, the air is sweeter, the water is better and my family is there. All that is here in one horse Pineville is his family and friends. By the way we hardly ever see unless he is needed for something.

If I were home in Austin finding a career would be a no biggie, but here it is hard as hell to even get a job at Walmart as a greeter. I have applied for so many jobs and been passed over so many times I have tracks on my back and resume.  I even tried working from home selling jewelry and make up. LOL I was my biggest paying customer….  My mom used to help out by buying from me, but I lost her in October 2017.

I live in a house where the roof in my office leaks in several places, the kitchen floor is warped and causing the door to be hard to open and lock. Every time it rains here my house gets bugs that never seem to want to leave. Let’s not talk about the ceiling fan in my son’s room that does not work. Or how the air conditioning does not reach my office and  I have 3 fans in here and it is still hot as hell. Or perhaps that there are 2 ceiling fans in my office and only one works…

All of my kids go to the same elementary school and the stupid idiots at the school board decided that next school year they going to split up the district and have to drive to 2 different schools to pick up and drop off my kids. How STUPID is that? I even called the school board to protest and I was shot down. I have to admit that I have never lived somewhere that I absolutely could not make life work for me, but here I can’t even get out and meet people. Here my life consist of going to school online, trying to write my mother’s memoirs through my eyes, trying to figure out how to set up a foundation in my mother’s name, be there for my kids, etc. I have started all these projects, but I have cast them to the back burner because I am not motivated.  Not to mention that I am going through perimenapause and I am always hot, uncomfortable, tired, and irritated due to the weight I have gained back. I was so depressed on yesterday Sunday July 1st because I could no longer fit into two of my favorite dresses. I feel and look like a fat bloated whale that has been beached on the sand.

I spend a lot of time looking at the Instagram page of Bella Bodiez where they take the fat and put in your breast or butt. These women look AMAZING just one week being post op.  The operation I want is called a BBL and it is like a full body fat removal and placement else where. For me I want all my fat put in my boobs. I went from 48DDD to a 34 C after I had my gastric bypass 6 years ago.  Uggg!!! I really hate being fat and I used to yoga daily since I can’t get the gym, but I am not even motivated for that and I have a alarm on my phone to remind me to do it.

Of course anytime he gets upset he will tell me that I can move back home to Texas and I tell him that if I do I am taking my kids and he never says he is going to fight to keep the kids or me.  To go with this heat, perimenapause, depression I have a migraine every night. My life in a small town where the highlight of my day once a month is to go grocery shopping by myself at the Walmart.  I miss my family and friends. I miss my life in Austin.

Do you ever feel this way?

Tell Me The Truth

Hello Bloggersphere,

I know that it has been sometime since I have written to you on here, but I have been ill and trying to become and beauty influencer on my other page. Anyway, since the last time I talked to you I was in the mist of trying to change my life. I am still trying to get myself together especially since I lost my mother back in October 2017. Mother’s Day just passed by and if it had been for family and Wendy I would have stayed in bed all day. This is my first year to “celebrate” Mother’s Day without my momma.

For the past few months I have become a gym rat and I love the peace I have while being the gym sweating and getting back in shape. I am praying and hoping that after I have lost the weight I can get a bbl which is a full body lift. I want the fat sucked out put that fat in my boobs. I have seen the work of the medical company Bella Dollz and it is amazing! Hopefully, by then I will through this torture of perimenopause because these hot flashes and night sweats are for the birds. I started taking Estroven about a week and half ago and I am not sure that it is working, but I chose to think that it is.

Now, ladies and gentlemen let me ask the question that this post is actually written for.  What constitutes cheating? Is it mental or only physical? Some say that once you let another in your mind and you are thinking of them or that person “romances your mind” that is cheating. While others say that once you sleep with someone other than your spouse or lover then that is cheating. Now, let me say this once you put your toe on that line sleep with another woman or man and your dating or married then yes that is cheating. Now if you and your significant other can move past it that is great. I used to say to myself that if my spouse ever cheated on me I would hope that I could be forgiving. I know that when he was active duty and deployed more than he was home while I was “worried” about his safety in Iraq and Afghanistan I also know that is when soldiers cheat on their wives. This is also when wives cheat on their husband while back here in the states and the man/woman is deployed. Some women come up pregnant during this time and once the soldier is home on leave this when most wives come up pregnant. So if they can play off the pregnancy and the husband does not suspect anything then I guess life is golden. I would not know about this as it takes me praying Hannah’s prayer and infertility treatments to get pregnant so my spouse has to be home.

Ladies what are your feeling on this issue of cheating? Is it more of mental thing for you or is it the physical that would get your feathers ruffled? If the death of a parent drove your spouse to arms of another could you forgive that? I have known my bestie  for over 20+ years that her hubby (now ex) cheated on her and her mother in law told her. Now she has a high sex drive and now that she is single she has a regular boyfriend she has others on the side. Now they know about the other, but is this cheating? I have another friend that ran into her ex from high school and they had one night together and they have remained in contact since that night and they often talk about together again. He tells her he is working hard to get a house of his own and has offered her to come move in with him. He often tells her she needs to move back to San Diego their hometown so they can be together. We all know that California is now really expensive to live in especially if you don’t have a job lined up already. He has even offered to love and care for her only daughter as his own. What do you think she should do? What do you think of women having side dudes? To be honest men have been having affairs forever and having side chicks as well. Men have been doing dirt since the conception of time and women are just now catching up and playing the game. Again, I am NOT saying 2 wrongs make a right, but whats good for the goose is good for the gander don’t you think?

I sometimes admire cougars and those that can juggle more than one man. Then I think to myself I have absolutely no sex drive and I am wondering why my spouse stays with me knowing that he has needs and wants them fulfilled. I think to myself if he did find someone else to have it and just wrap it up and don’t bring her near my kids or in my house. And to make sure she is clean inside and out! I don’t want him getting any diseases that can’t be cured or treated.

I can sometime see why there are couples that have “open” relationships. They seem so happy on tv, but who really knows what is going on behind closed doors? What does the word “open” really mean when you are talking about your marriage or relationship? I have seen shows where  men have several wives (ie Sister Wives) where the women agree to live with this one man, have his children, etc. Granted he is only legally married to one woman the rest are just “promised” in marriage. Then there are those that are swingers (I saw this on ID on Own) where you swap mates with others. The golden rule it appears to swingers is do not fall in love with anyone. There are all these underground clubs and dark websites for swingers to hook up. Is this cheating since both are consensual to this action?

I really want to know what you are thinking on this topic. I have been thinking about this for sometime and I just want to know. I hope that while this topic is deep and heavy that it took your mind of whatever is on your mind. Remember God made you unique so you should stand out of the crowd and shine like the star that you are! Please post, comment and share this if you don’t mind.

XOXO

 

LOVE THYSELF

LOVE THYSELF

It seems in the year of the Dog 2018 there is a new movement “Love Thyself” and I started down this road in 2017. I have encountered plot twists, bumps, turnovers an way to many turn downs and set backs.  

  BROKEN HEART I was delivered a huge blow when I lost my mother on October 12th at 10:30 am that’s when I found my mother dead on her bathroom floor. My immediate thought was “please don’t leave me momma” then I started to pray for her to come back to life and for God to take my life and restore hers. Having to make those calls to family was the hardest thing I thought I would ever have to do, but getting up to talk at my mother’s funeral. I wrote down what I wanted to say, but I ended up talking from the heart.  I am still reeling from her death. I am orphan…I am nobody’s baby girl, granddaughter, niece  most of my family is in Heaven now except my older brother and mom’s sisters. Most days I feel alone even though I have a family of my own. I love my children more than myself and while I love my husband we are just on a different wave length.  This is the man that promised to love me through sick and health and to forsake all others. Instead when my mom was sick and I was floating in a abyss of darkness his words of “comfort” were “people die”. Is that what you tell someone you love? Granted he and his parents are not that close, but still where is the love in that statement? When his father died just 4 months after my mother he got to see exactly how I felt. However, I think that the only one that felt the true pain was his younger brother Mark. 

I am so used to putting everyone in front of me. I am used to taking care of others before myself. I was raised to serve the food to your husband and or guests first, children next and then you serve yourself last. I still that in my house when I cook I make and take his plate to him first, my twin sons next, then my daughter and I fix and eat last. When someone wants more food or drinks I stop eating and get up and get it. I am surprised that I don’t weigh a lot less than I do now. I have lost over 150+ pounds in over 6 years and now I have gained some of it back. I have been looking at getting a bbl and boob lift to achieve the my vision of what my perfect body is to look like. I hardly look in the mirror at my body, because I don’t like the skin I am in today.  I wear a mask to cover my pain and how I truly feel. All the world sees is me with perfect make up, skinny jeans and medium graphic tee with a painted smile on my face. I don’t even like my smile because while in college in Houston, TX I had my wisdom teeth removed and over the years my teeth have gaped and shifted. So I smile with my mouth closed and I am seeking to get invisaline to straighten my teeth on the bottom.

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I come from bold, beautiful, intelligent women and the one thing in common they were single and living and loving life. Me I got married in my late 20’s to a man that I was head over heels for and I put him and his needs above mine for 13 years. We had kids and I put them (I still put them)before myself. I love being a mom, but I know that I meant for greater things. I started 2 online businesses that are truly tanking and a big part of that is because of where he moved us after he retired from the Army. We left Ft. Benning, GA, but the military lifestyle never left his attitude, anger issues and his way of thinking.  He does not help me with my businesses just complains that I spend money to keep them going and the profit is a loss monetarily. 

If I can half the mother my momma was to us and my grandmother was to her kids I will be happy and my kids will turn out just fine. Self love is easier to say than it is to do when you have no support from the those that are supposed to love you. When the man you love only wants to touch you is when he wants sex. He says he is fighting for me and for us – I laugh to myself, because I know that it is a crock of bull shit. I will just have to keep praying and having faith that God will keep me, hold me, love me and carry me through.