I’m not a Playa I just crush a lot

Last night my hot headed ass spouse decided it was cool to call me FAT! Granted when we met I was overweight, but guess what I still had strong mack skills. I was never without a man – that man was sexy as shit!

I dated men that had money granted that money was not always attained legally, but that’s here nor there. I had a job and my own money, but they fly ass rides, could dress, dance and lay pipe (if you know what I mean) ladies :-).

I had decided that it was time to make a change and I prayed for my husband to be delivered to me. I prayed that he be a mix of my older brother, uncle and grandfather – you know men that I admire. These men fear God, love to have good time, know how to treat their mother, women in general, how to lead, hold a job, they liked to have a good time, family oriented and most of all loved me. So I took time out from dating, but don’t get it twisted I still hung out with my boys and partied with my girls we all had a damn good time ya heard! I just did not lay claim to any man as being “my man” during this time. I had plenty of offers and was tempted many times, but stood strong.

Low and behold I forgot that during my sophomore year at TSU (Hustle Town, TX) I signed up on Yahoo personals because I was bored in the computer lab. I was wasting time waiting on Turtle (my sweep mate) to get ready so we could go to the Que house party. There is nothing like a Que party to start your weekend off right when you are in college! Fast forward sometime and I move back to Austin and enroll and graduate from Huston-Tillotson University (Love my HBCU’s) and I get a message via email telling me I have message on Yahoo personals.. I can’t check it because I don’t remember the the dang ole password! What do I have to do? Reset the password and then I read it and I literally roll my eyes because he says he is in military yet his profile has no picture.

I am too nice a person not to respond so I say thanks for responding to the “ad” and explain that I forgot I had this and yada yada end and send.. Well, he keeps sending me messages telling me I am beautiful and this and that (how does he know this? I have a picture on my profile) and I just reply simple things. Anyway, this continues for awhile and then we exchange numbers and he calls. We talk so he is real person and not a perv LOL.. That’s a plus – Right? We go through some ups and downs and ins and outs.. but we make it to the day where we move in together in a nice one bedroom apartment in Killeen.

Life is gravy….you know the newlywed times always are the good times… then we get married and the good times are still rolling. Then deployments and field times happen… Then PTSD sets in….I still say he is bipolar… I have no idea what he saw over there, but he is holding on to it and brings that out at home on 3 kids and me. I do not allow it and stand up to him.

He often tells me I can leave and go home to Austin and frankly I am so want to, but would that be best for my kids? He often tells/asks me on the daily basis that I have a boyfriend or to go my boyfriend. But my momma did not raise no fool (#RIHmomma) when a man does this that’s because he has a side chic and wants to put it all off on you.

So when he had the gall to call me fat yesterday and then throw out there that  I had boyfriend. I just told him “I’m not a playa I just crush a lot” and trust me I still get cat calls everywhere I go what about you chunky?  Yea that shut his ass up real fast! Do not ever try me honey cuz I do #clapback a lot faster than you.

If you are wondering if I love this man that I have had 3 kids with.. the answer is yes I love him, but I am now wondering if I am in love.

BIG PUN
He wrote the song “I’m not a player” which where the line “I’m not a player I just crush alot came from #RIHBigPun He died of a heart attack in 2/2007

Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

GUIDE

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.”

— Jack Kerouac

I am on a journey of self fulfilment and change for the Lord, myself, and my children. I am on a journey of change for the better so that I can grow to be the best woman for me, mother for my kids and even wife to my husband plus I want to be best the business woman I can be.

On this journey I want to be a mentor to my children and to  any and every little, teen and young adult female that crosses my path. I can’t do that if I am not I am not he best  me possible.  I can’t do that if I stay behind this mask. I have learned over the years of being a parent that children are always watching and they are more perceptive than we ever give them credit for and most important they are always learning from us!

I bless everyone that I can. Just as Peter healed the lamed beggar  (see Acts 3:1-26) “Peter told the beggar he did not have any silver and gold, but something better he had the Holy Spirit.” I may not have money to give, but I do have conversation and time which are very precious indeed to person who is always multitasking and on the go.

An example would be when I am shopping at the local the WalMart there is a Heavenly Angel on here on Earth named Brenda who is greeter that works the door. She is truly anointed and I could be annoyed, pissed, throwed off in some kind of way and when Brenda is that door and I enter into her presence my mood instantly changes and I can feel the Spirit of God move around me. I can’t really explain it except for how I just did.

I am not sorry for the battle of depression that I am fighting. I am not sorry for the trials and tribulations that I am going through, because they are making me smarter and stronger. I am not sorry for the way I raised or by whom, because being raised in generational home in a small town (Tyler, TX) was the greatest thing in (beside having my kids) my life!  Having my grandfather and Uncle Sunny in the same house growing up was special and being able to have my momma in the same house for 7 years  in our home was a blessing to my kids and myself. Yes, he hated after a while ( read yesterday blog to find out why), but my kids and momma now have a special unbreakable bond because of it!

ADVICE

See the world. It’s more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.

Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.

— Ray Bradbury

 

Here’s what I would bring my eye for adventure, appetite for new things, love for people and of course my three beautiful kids. I would also bring along my jewelry case of Chloe and Isabel merchandise and my Younique make up bag because I have to shine and have flawless face everywhere I go just in case I happen to meet my celebrity crush. You know Johnny  Depp, Denzel Washington, Viola Davis, Tamela Mann…but especially Johnny Depp (hint hint wink wink)

I want to see everything and experience everything. I recently met a guy that lives in Germany. But not Germany proper he lives in Kiel on the Baltic Coast. I had to Google this area this area of Germany because I am not familiar with it at all, but once I did I instantly fell in love! It is surrounded by water. He personally lives 300 meters from the water. He told me that the Baltic actually (the pictures confirms it) flows right through the city!!! It is very beautiful from what I can tell from the pictures and how he describes it. He even sent me a aerial shot from Google of his home. While the apartments or houses are very close together it is still beautiful and I would love to live there even it is just for short time.

Here’s what I would leave behind everything negative and that would hinder me enjoying my voyage. I want to travel in peace and have complete and utter joy on my trip. I don’t want anyone or thing take my peace of mind either. Those are 2 things I am not willing to give up on my travels therefore I will leave all negative energy, people, things,etc back here in the states and take off with a wing and prayer.

Now this is totally off topic but as we nearing the end of the month I am being challenged (I am hoping to win to custom purse, wallet and watch AND special Younique make up case) if I can sell 10 or more Flawless Four bundles… You can have flawless face in under 5 minutes who does not love that?  www.youniqueproducts.com/fergaliciouscandi

 

CARRYON

“My dream is to walk around the world. A smallish backpack, all essentials neatly in place. A camera. A notebook. A traveling paint set. A hat. Good shoes. A nice pleated (green?) skirt for the occasional seaside hotel afternoon dance.”

― Maira Kalman

 

What’s your biggest travel dream?

My biggest dream travel is to go to Europe, Asia and Africa. Going to Africa is given because I want to trace my roots from my Grams cousin who was a slave all the way back to the motherland. I to find out what tribe we descend from so that I can pass that knowledge on to my children. I have always believed that if you do not know where you come from you will not know where you are then how will know where you are going? In other words you have to know your past, in order to know your present, so that you can know and determine your future.

Going to Asia is some place that I have dreamed of for sometime because I already love the food, I have love for Korean pop music and dramas. I have done some research on Korea, China, and Japan as places to visit (and perhaps live) for a while. I think having my kids at their young ages experience different cultures, food, educational styles, and people will go along way for them to understand how the world works.

Travelling to Europe would start in Germany and I would travel all over Europe. I would make a special trip to Paris where I would like to linger and enjoy every touristy site I can see. I want taste and see everything in Paris and if I happen to bump into Johnny Depp then my life would have been worth living (outside of my kids)!!! I have followed his career and loved him since he was uncover cop on 21 Jump Street! I am not sure how he does it, but he gets better looking with age and he does not rate in the sexy meter! Why? because he broke the meter LOL!!

The Unbeliever within the Believer

I am sure you are asking yourself what in the hell does that mean? Trust me while I was taking a shower and God said this to me today I was saying that to myself – then it dawn on me that perhaps he is giving me a parable about myself to figure out. When it comes to figuring out my life problems I pray about them, write them out here or in the journal and move on with my day. I don’t really think any more about them after I do that because I believe that once I lay them at the altar I don’t need to pick them up again. So again, I ask how am I unbeliever yet a believer?WHO R U

I know who I am and whose I belong to that is never to be questioned; however; when it comes to my petitions and prayers  I have to keep praying about them for example uniting my aunts and my mother as sisters or uniting my nieces and my momma or reconnecting my marriage on a bigger level where God plays the biggest role between Doc and I instead of just praying over these once or twice (maybe 3 times) I have to stay in constant prayer and really believe that God will unite my family  since my grandparents and uncles are dead my mom and her sisters are all that is left of my original family. I have to keep praying that my nieces will come to their senses that my mother is their grandmother and they need to do better by her and love her unconditionally because I had to the best being able to grow up in a generational home of my grandparents and they are missing out on that by shutting her out and being snotty, materialistic, and bunch bratty twits!  As for my marriage, I love my Doc and I am in love with him more today than the day I married him; however, he and I changed with each deployment and field time while he was active duty. We both have and attitude yet I am not one to fight and I pick and choose my battles and wants to fight each one. Three kids and 11 years laters we are still together only through God’s grace and mercy! I know that Doc wants and deserves more intimacy and sex and this my issue and my issue alone that I have body issues and that I don’t care to have sex and therefore, avoid it. I have prayed in the past numerous times to change this about myself after about few months of steady prayer and nothing changing I gave up <—-  the UNBELIEVER within BELIEVER!!!  

You see I think when your unbeliever then this is expected and maybe if your Christian its expected to I really do not know.  When you’re called to preach though all I can tell you is that I am human, I am woman, I am mom of 3, a wife,  a writer/poet, singer, dancer, lover of my Doc’s soul and mind, a sojourner, and thanks to Miss Clara I becoming a prayer warrior.

YOU SAY GOD SAYSI want to be soldier for the Lord that wakes me up every day in my right mind, keeps me going even though I am tired as dirt and sleepy to boot, pushes my boundaries and limits and tests my faith and I know I fail each test yet He loves me and holds me tight in arms no matter what. My God is amazing and unfailing His love and I know that I don’t deserve his Grace and Mercy each and every day YET He gives it to me anyway! I may not be a babe in my walk with God anymore and my miracles are not coming at the snap of a finger due to no longer being on formula (milk) and that’s ok —–> I grew in the word of God and yes I lose my way at times I am HUMAN (we are not fighting a war of human kind it is a war of principalities and there are days I leave the house without my Armour of God on) and its those days I fail every test, and my day is all f*$#ed up and I know and I say a fast prayer but I can enemy very loud on those days and I get beaten down and since I am in my truck and driving I don’t have a Bible near me and my brain seems to be void at that time of any bible verse to fight that evil minion! <—–BELIEVER WITHIN THE UNBELIEVER!

 I just wrote down the verses in the picture above because I have said each one of those things in the past and I have said them recently. I admit that I am weak and I am under construction as a  Christian. I am praying that God tears me down and rebuilds anew  changing from inside out. I have to change me first before I can do anything for anyone else that is just psychology 101.

Stay Tuned for updates on my progress!