Lost

The closer my birthday gets the more lost I feel. I took my mother’s picture off the wall and slept with it. I wanted to feel her arms around me just one ?What I have I accomplished? Where have I traveled?

I have gained so much weight and I can’t seem to lose and the desire and fire that I had to go to the gym … well that is slowly dying too. I once had faith that I could do it and be 149lbs again, but that momma is slowly leaving me too. I used to be a big girl then I tasted the slimmer side of life… size 10 jeans, small to medium shirts, size 0 dresses have all just blown up.

Life is too hard with out having you here to talk to… I just lost in this life and I don’t know that I can or want to be found again. I have gotten back to watching they use to bring me happiness.  Seeing the actors go through trials and then finding happiness. Crying in my office used to bring me peace so to speak. Now I wish I had your bed because I felt so close to you when I was in your apartment sleeping in your bed.

I really miss you momma and I don’t know that this pain will ever go away.

How? Why? I just don’t get it

I am mom and I love my kids with all my heart and soul. As a young woman I never really wanted kids, I just wanted a career and mate. I wanted to travel the world and live my best life.

As a teen I gave my mother hell with my behavior outside the home, but I was NEVER disrespectful to her. I never talked to her any kind of way because I knew she would beat my ass and dare me to call the police.

Skip ahead to being married for 14 years and having a ballsy 11 year old daughter. She is bright and beautiful, however, she thinks that her ratchet little friends at school are some type of way to their parents that it is ok for her be that way.  Well, today that child has just crossed a line with me that she can’t come back from.  My heart rate is 106 right now and I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing. I was ready to lay my hands on her and just complete fuck her world up, but in my heart I was praying for God to hold me back cuz I could kill her literally right now.

She had the nerve to try to take me down over taking her Kindle (that I bought) because I told her she can not got some radio station or whatever to hang out with her friends. We as a family have some place to be today. She knew about this yesterday and she knew that and because it is the last day of school that she is gonna get buck and feel froggy with me. Well, she learned real fast that I am not the one to want on your bad side. I told her that what ever she wants or needs to ask her dad, bc I am done. I mean that I am over it and from this day forward God and her father have her in their hands.

It is going to be long long long time for me to even want to deal with her on any kind of level.

#tiredmomma #godhasit #changeisgonnacome #ugggmylife

I Am Not Skurred

He said “next time I won’t be so nice” LOL is that a threat? If so honey I am NOT SKURRED! You already know that I am grown ass woman and I do what I have to survive on the daily. I made the choice to be a stay at home mom so that no one else would be raising our kids. What do I get dumb ass threats from you just days from Mother’s Day.

You forget that we would not be in this position if you had honored our agreement once we you retired from the Army. But NO with out talking to me you moved us here where I can not get a job, I don’t know anyone, and I am isolated from everyone I know and love. You have the audacity to come at me once again side ways. I don’t know who you think you are, but let me introduce myself!

I am the daughter of single parent who is college educated and knows the ways of the streets. I am woman of faith who knows how to defend her kids and herself. I am born and bred Texan who is not afraid of a fight. I won’t start one, but I will finish it. I don’t argue with fools and simply refuse to let you steal my joy.

You seem to forget that all I need to live is the Love of God and my kids. For I know that God has my back so does my family and friends back home. It took me a while to realize that I am still the same woman I have always been even though I lost myself when I married you, because I wanted to make you happy and keep your love, but guess what boo… I love me (I may not like how  I look), but I am beautiful in my chaotic life. Everything I have had to endure in these 14 years has mad me stronger, wiser, toughened my outer shell and made my heart more able to endure everything this swamp and you throw at me.

So you see everything my mother tried to implore for me to learn during those 8 years she lived with us in GA I have finally learned. It is my sole desire to be just half the mother to my kids as she is to me. So let this to be a warning to you I know what a struggle it is to be a single mother, but I am more than capable to of doing it alone.

You harp about us being one mind and body, but since you have to real evidence that you know what that really means I leave that to be your homework. As it plays out like baseball 3 strikes and your OUT! Don’t lose everything because of your anger, ego, you ideals that only work in your head.

Only you can fix you..No, only you and Jesus can fix you for the better!

Life

They tell you life is what you make it well, I am here to tell you that is not always the truth. Life is what happens to you and how you deal with it.

Growing up with just my mom and brother I really never felt like that I was missing from my life.. Like a father. Don’t get me wrong I had my grandfather and my Uncle Sunny, but they can not replace the man that help make you. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that the blackness of my soul and the hole in the center of my heart could never be filled by anyone but him.

I lived the cliche of “looking for love in all the wrong places”

and it was “fun”, but it never filled my life with long term joy. It was only momentary. I looked under every rock, cranny, hole and club for the one that fill that hole and no one could ever fill it.

Speed to the present where I have done my DNA, talk to private investigators, anyone who I thought could help and nothing. My mom died almost 2 years ago of breast cancer and my grams died a few years before that. So the only people that could help me…can’t.

I am mom of three beautiful, talented, smart and charismatic kids that give me love, joy, and they are the center of my world and their love fills up my heart, but I still miss and need him. Some say how can you miss someone you never knew? Easy I am little girl that longs to feel her father arms around her to tell her that she is going to be just fine.

I know at this stage in my life I will most likely never met my father and have those moments, but it was my only promise that I made to myself years ago that if I ever had kids they would always know their father and forge a bond with him. I would stay with him for them even if the marriage or whatever did not work. Thus far I have kept that promise.

This is my life….Your welcomed to it

Mother’s Day

Every where around the world on May 9th will be celebrating their moms in some form or fashion. On May 9th I will talking to my mother’s urn. Breast cancer is no fucking punk and when it moves to your brain the strongest woman you know is reduced someone that can’t talk it wrecks your soul to it’s very core,

If you were not raised in a single parent home where your mother was also your father then you won’t understand any of this. For a latch key kid to lose her only parent it is million times worse than one that loses one parent but has the other to lean on. Please understand that a lose is hard no matter who you are, but when your grandparents, 2 uncles, and your mom are all in heaven you are essentially an orphan. So I totally relate to Blanch when she said “I am nobody’s daughter anymore.”

I am a mother of 3 and I will smile for them, but I will be empty on the inside. Not because of my kids because they are my whole reason for being, but I don’t have any texts, letters or voice mail saved from my mother.

You know what my worst nightmare is? Forgetting what she smelled like, how she sounded, what her handwriting looked like, what if I can’t remember her jokes (she had no sense of humor). My momma was my biggest cheerleader no matter what I wanted to do, or what I did. As a teen I was hell on wheels and she never gave up on me and when I was in trouble legally she was just there when others said I would never amount to anything.

Even after I got my life together and graduated college… She was there to pay for my wedding gown, give me money when me and him couldn’t make ends meet.  His family was never there to help, but I could pick of the phone and she was always there. She lived with us for 8 years and that was the happiest of my life that I could take her dr appt, shopping and she loved my babies to death. My kids and my mother bonded like no other and every day they say how much they miss my momma and that they wish she never died. I know their pain

My mom is my world! Everyday I still cry because I miss her so much. I pray to God to let her come to me in a dream like He did with my Uncle Sunny and grandma. I have smelled her White Diamond perfume once or twice and try to hold on to that smell instead of the nightmares I continue to have of finding her deceased in her bathroom. I hurt so much that I could not save  her. As I write this with my full of tears I am praying  to hear from her, see her, talk to her, tell her I love her, oh to HUG and KISS her one more time. Just one more time…..

 

#Mothersday #aloneandlost #depressionandsadness #orphaned

Letter to my younger self

Dear Younger Me,

I want you to know that life in your 40’s is full of ups and downs, but you weathered every storm with prayer and meditation. In your late 20’s you will be married to the one that you believe God made for you. Then you will get bitten by the baby bug and you would eventually have 3 beautiful kids and find your place in this world. You will have the opportunity to care for your kids and your mom for 8 years in GA. It is during this time that you are put in the middle of the fighting and feuding between your mother and husband. It is during this time depression hits you hard and the only one to notice is your mother and you are doing your best to hide from the world. Yet, your help mate takes no notice of your sinking into the bleak blackness of despair.

You lose over 100+ pounds after your gastric bypass and your wearing a size 10 skinny jeans and size 0 dresses. What can go wrong? You are moved to the swamp and weighed down by cluster migraines and have no relief. You hit para-menopause and the sex drive (you never had) has completely left, your nerves are on edge, you can’t find work and hate the town you live in. Then it happens…. Your brother calls and tells you that you need to go home and be with momma. The tone in his voice tells you how serious this is and the one that is the father of your kids tells you “people die” with no feeling or sympathy whats so ever.

You get to spend 4 beautiful days with your mom before you find her in her bathroom dead. That picture hunts your every thought and dream. You have no closure and all you want to do is run away from everything, but you don’t because you are the only protector your kids have and if you left what would your mom think and say?

I know that this letter seems gloomy and full of foreboding, but I am here to tell you that there is a glint of light at the end of your tunnel. You stand on faith that all will be well because that is what your God tells you.  So JadedGypsy know this lean not on your own understanding, but wait on the Lord.

Time Does Not Heal

When my mother died over a year ago every one would say one of two things to my brother and I. They would say “I know how you feel” or “Time heals all”. Let me tell you both are lies.  I pray that no one has to know or find out what it is like to walk into a room find their mother or parent  died in their home. That is a vision that will never leave me for the rest of my days. It haunts my dreams and my every thought. I was watching  a show on Investigation Discovery where two little girls get home from school and find their father murdered in their living room.  I have to admit that it caught me off guard and I broke down crying. 

1/5/19

Have you ever just listened to a song and for no reason you start to cry and get into your emotions? That happened to me early this morning when I was lip syncing to songs on Tik Tok. I ended up going to bed feeling sad and not really being able to sleep, but once I did go to sleep GUESS WHAT? My spouse work me up telling me he was going to the ER because his allergies had started to prevent him from talking. I have already prayed for God’s super to be the natural of the staff in the ER and for his total healing.  It is now almost 8 am on Saturday and I have only had what seems like 5 minutes of sleep. This gonna be a long day….

 

Where To Start and What To Leave Behind?

I know what you are thinking and yes, I am back and I pray God willing that I will be able to keep this blog going and maybe pick up some partnerships along the way, but that is not the sole purpose of this blog.  This is the only way to get my feelings out and not have them break me in every way.

I can not believe that 2018 is coming to an end and 2019 is about to end.  It seems like yesterday I was writing on here about 2017 and little did I know I would be losing my mother and trying to find myself all in the same year.Well, I am still dealing with the loss of my mother an I have yet to put my life back together.

I am truly at a loss for what my life is supposed to be about. No matter how much I pray and ask God for the “big picture” of my future I have yet to see it. I don’t know what to do with myself so Monday through Friday I go to the gym and eat good for you food and only to find out that I am weighing about as much as I did before I had Gastric Bypass about 7 or so years ago. It is like I hit the age that I am and BOOM perimenapause and bam damm the weight just came from nowhere. I mean I work out, eat spinach, baked or grilled meats, fruit, protein shakes, drink plenty of water, etc so I don’t know where the fat is coming from. It really sucks to not be able to sleep comfortably at night, knee pain, lower back pain, etc. I am just so uncomfortable these days. I went from 149 to 208 and I hate the way that I look and feel.

I have tried every fad diet, gel, pill you name it and I am ready to just tell my doctor to schedule me to have gastric bypass again, because I can not live like this.. Hell, I don’t want to live this way.. The only thing that stops me for just ending it all is that I have 3 kids that need me and I need them. And yes, I am married for 14 years and my marriage could be better, but I know that I am 50% too  blame because I have no sex drive and I can’t even muster the will to fake it. He is to blame as well, because his temper is crazy one minute he is calm and cool and the next microsecond he is cussing and screaming at us for whatever reason. Granted his PTSD is part of this equation, but you can not read the Bible and turn around and start yelling and tossing out cuss words like it is a dude in the strip club throwing one dollar bills at strippers.

I stop trying to change him years ago and started trying to change me instead. I read my Bible, journal my thoughts and prayers, give Him praise for who He is and not what He does for me or my family. I truly believe that there is more out there for me and I can’t achieve them living here Pineville. I need to be in a big commerce city and not this pony town, but he hates big cities yet the reason we are here… let’s not go there. LOL

God willing I will keep this up and no fears there will be no selling of anything from me to anyone. This is just about me trying to live my best life and your are welcome join me on this journey.

Buckle up butter cup it is gonna be a bumpy ride!!!

 

Are You Free?

What does it mean to be free? Is being free waking up everyday? Getting to eat what you want? Going into your favorite department store? What the hell is free and being free really mean?

Let me tell you what being free means to me…. Being free is loving who I want the way I want. Being free is able to know and love myself completely. Being free is knowing that as a biracial woman nay an African woman that is pained by all the death I’ve seen in my life. Living in and with depression and migraines are not in line with being free, but it is large part of my life.

How am I not free? I am woman who lives in a Mayberry-ish town and the KKK are out and free to do as they chose. Racist are no longer keeping their hate and rage under wraps they are out calling the police if we take a deep breath on the sidewalk. The news is full of stories like this and it hurts me to the very depth of my core and it scares me raising 3 Black babies what they will do to my kids when they are not in my eye sight.

I am free to heal the brokenness that is me. The question is how do I heal myself and be free? How do I love others when I hardly love myself? Is this co-dependence Ilyana Vanzant? Giving my kids what I did not have as a child I think is the greatest gift I can give them. I have not idea what the world is really like anymore. I depend on him for all things, because I can’t find a job to solely depend on myself,  I learned something that could be the first step in getting free and that is what Ilyana Vanzant said that we are not fight flesh… We are fighting demons and principalities of our thoughts.  Change the way you think you can change your life. Isn’t that what they say?

So I ask again are you free? What does being free really mean?

Have you ever wished you were someone else? That you looked like Gal Godot, Beyonce, or some model? How about running away from your life? Just packing a bag, going to the airport and booking flight to anywhere, but where you are at this moment?

This is my life….don’t get me wrong I love my family, but I feel  suffocated here.  I am from the big city of Austin that is growing by leaps and bounds daily. The city has a life of it’s own, the air is sweeter, the water is better and my family is there. All that is here in one horse Pineville is his family and friends. By the way we hardly ever see unless he is needed for something.

If I were home in Austin finding a career would be a no biggie, but here it is hard as hell to even get a job at Walmart as a greeter. I have applied for so many jobs and been passed over so many times I have tracks on my back and resume.  I even tried working from home selling jewelry and make up. LOL I was my biggest paying customer….  My mom used to help out by buying from me, but I lost her in October 2017.

I live in a house where the roof in my office leaks in several places, the kitchen floor is warped and causing the door to be hard to open and lock. Every time it rains here my house gets bugs that never seem to want to leave. Let’s not talk about the ceiling fan in my son’s room that does not work. Or how the air conditioning does not reach my office and  I have 3 fans in here and it is still hot as hell. Or perhaps that there are 2 ceiling fans in my office and only one works…

All of my kids go to the same elementary school and the stupid idiots at the school board decided that next school year they going to split up the district and have to drive to 2 different schools to pick up and drop off my kids. How STUPID is that? I even called the school board to protest and I was shot down. I have to admit that I have never lived somewhere that I absolutely could not make life work for me, but here I can’t even get out and meet people. Here my life consist of going to school online, trying to write my mother’s memoirs through my eyes, trying to figure out how to set up a foundation in my mother’s name, be there for my kids, etc. I have started all these projects, but I have cast them to the back burner because I am not motivated.  Not to mention that I am going through perimenapause and I am always hot, uncomfortable, tired, and irritated due to the weight I have gained back. I was so depressed on yesterday Sunday July 1st because I could no longer fit into two of my favorite dresses. I feel and look like a fat bloated whale that has been beached on the sand.

I spend a lot of time looking at the Instagram page of Bella Bodiez where they take the fat and put in your breast or butt. These women look AMAZING just one week being post op.  The operation I want is called a BBL and it is like a full body fat removal and placement else where. For me I want all my fat put in my boobs. I went from 48DDD to a 34 C after I had my gastric bypass 6 years ago.  Uggg!!! I really hate being fat and I used to yoga daily since I can’t get the gym, but I am not even motivated for that and I have a alarm on my phone to remind me to do it.

Of course anytime he gets upset he will tell me that I can move back home to Texas and I tell him that if I do I am taking my kids and he never says he is going to fight to keep the kids or me.  To go with this heat, perimenapause, depression I have a migraine every night. My life in a small town where the highlight of my day once a month is to go grocery shopping by myself at the Walmart.  I miss my family and friends. I miss my life in Austin.

Do you ever feel this way?