It is really crazy to think back to when I was 11 or 12 I wanted to be 16 so that I can drive and hang out with my friends. Little did I know out off all the kids I knew only ONE would still be by my side 20+ years later.
When I was 16 and working plus going to school I kept thinking man it would great to be 21 so that I could legally go to the clubs and drink. Guess who helped bring in my 21st birthday? I was temporarily engaged to a dude named Edward and some a my associates from TSU got together and took me to a little hole in the wall that was so bad ass! It was the best birthday ever. I think that was I lived as if I didn’t have a care in the world and to tell the truth right now I am jealous of my 21 -24 year old self. I had a great job, just graduated college, I was seeing a few guys and having fun.. In essence I was living my best life.
Now that I have been married 14 years, mother of 3 and I think to myself Lord what exactly have I done? How am I leaving my carbon footprint on the world? How I am making the world better for all of us? Trust me I have no clue. I can not be a forever student and I have to show and tell my children about the real world once they are of age. I have lived a sheltered and then worldly life of excess and then some.
I guess in all of this kids do not be in a hurry to grow up there is nothing special about being an adult and paying bills. However, if you ask me what my greatest days were I have to say 9-22-07 and 11-11-09 those are the days that my children were born. Those are the days I truly found out what real love is and what it means to be and to fall in love openly and honestly.
Because I am no one special and I do not hold a degree in psychology YET I rarely talk about my story or give advice. Depression is a real thing it is not just about you being down in the dumps over your career, lose of a girl or boy friend or even your parents. It is about how you react to the person in the mirror. Is she someone that makes you smile or just puts you in the mood to cover the mirror with a black cloth?
No one can tell you how you should be feeling about anything that is going on in your world. No man has that kind of control on this earth. Depression does not come with a warning label for you so that you can prepare yourself. Depression and grief go hand and hand. No one can tell you how long to grieve someone that you lost. It will be 2 years this October that my mother died of cancer. Both July (her birth month) and October (her death month) are 2 months I wish would be eradicated off the calendar. They are the longest and hardest months for me to get through. And to top that off I really have no one that I can talk to about how I feel. Yes, I can talk to my brother, but he is grieving too. My spouse lets just say that he will turn my grief into his moment and I over all that jazz.
Sometimes you want someone to just listen NOT talk. Someone to not offer their opinion. Someone to not just give you platitudes they think will be a comfort to you. Most times all a person that is depressed and going through is for you to listen.
When it comes to the things that I do when I am going through are 1. I pray and meditate 2. I color in my Wonder Woman coloring book or the painting app on my phone 3. Read a good book 4. Take myself out and buy myself something 5. Blast my music and dance till I drop. After I do all these things I shower, pray some more and go to bed. I am in no way saying that if you do my steps that they will work for you – With the exception of prayer does wonders. You have dig deep and find out what makes you smile from ear to ear. Something that makes your soul sing and your heart flutter.
Only you can take care of yourself. Only you can love yourself the way you need and deserve. ONLY YOU!
It does not matter where you live in this world beauty standards can actually bring harm to those that do not meet the criteria. In a world where photo shopping and fat shaming is the norm for YouTubers and the general public it is hard for a regular person to “fit in”. In a world where super models are the size of twig. So when there were models that had some curves and meat on their bones they are said to be ugly and what not.
I was so happy to see beautiful Black women like Winnie Harlow who has Vitiligo (which is where areas of your skin is lighter than the rest of your body) Winnie is the most beautiful sista I have ever seen and she is such a nice and graceful woman.
When Miss Harlow burst on the scene and she was confident in herself and who she was that just made her the most beautiful woman in the world. And it made all the sense in the world that she has a doll made in her image to show little girls that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and she has made herself to be the leader industry. She is absolutely stunning.
I just watched on YouTube a video by Asian Boss where they interviewed the 2018 Miss Korea and she talks about that after she won the crown she received a lot of online hate because the Korean public did not think she met the standard of beauty to be Miss Korea. Kim Soo Min is the former winner of Miss Korea and to me she is absolutely beautiful because she cares more about the pain her father felt over the horrible comments about his daughter. That truly says a lot about her as a person and a true testament of how her parents raised her.
Look at Miss Kim Soo Min where does she have any sign of being fat or ugly. But do the type of comments on her Instagram like the one above she closed her Instagram account. What is really sad is that it is truly women bashing other women to make themselves look good or feel good about themselves. Women truly are “crabs in a barrel” mentality and we tend to think that if we hurt another woman it will make us look better. When in reality it only makes us look stupid and inferior. Learning to love yourself is the hardest thing to do. Trust me I know… I am still working on looking at myself in the mirror and loving the person that I am seeing in the mirror. I do not take compliments easy from anyone, but since I have a daughter now I need to do what I gotta do for her so that she will never be self conscious about her looks, hair, weight,etc. She is beautiful and perfect just the way she is because this is how God made her.
So as a woman I am saying to fellow women of the world…. What harm does it cause you to compliment another woman on her outfit, her make up, her hair,etc? How does that take anything away from you? If you are the type of female that likes to trash other females then I suggest that you look in the mirror with a bright ass light and ask yourself why? I pray you HONESTLY answer yourself so that you know what to work on within yourself. Ask God to show you why you must trash others to build yourself up?
Before I start let me say Get your mind out of the gutter LOL. When it comes to a passion that moves me that would be music. I can listen to music and just become a cloud and float away on and array of emotions. Depending on the artist and the lyrics it is the beat that really catches my attention even before he or she opens their mouth. The musically term today is “issa bop” or “issa slap” before it even gets that far it the drums and guitars that move me once I am moved I look for the melody and then the voice to carry it too and end.
Music to me is very personal and felt deep in my soul. When I love a song I will remember the words, lyrics, beat and melody forever. For example Karyn White Super Woman from 1988 is still my go to jam when I am not feeling a situation with my spouse. Back then it was sung for guys that I wanted to break up with or one time when I was 16-17 and my first love asked me to wait on him and I waited 2 years for him come back from New Orleans and when he I saw him at a bus stop and he face fell because he saw me with a guy friend laughing and holding hands going to the mall. I will forever see his face and feel those emotions that I somehow to tied to this song. Granted I was only 13 when this song came out, but when I heard this song it stirs something in me to this day. Funny story I thought of majoring in music in college, but I chose the debate team and a business degree.
I bop my head to Nelly just like I can to Patti LaBelle and the Blue Bells from 1970’s. If it moves me to dance and smile then I don’t care who is singing. I am that type of girl that puts on her head phones I become the music and I feel so good. Music moves my soul in ways no man ever can.
When you lose someone very important to you like your mother it is phrases like this that you grow to hate the most. There are few others that once my mother died people would say to appease their own discomfort. Trust me I would never wish the loss of a parent or child on anyone. While we have to continue to move and live can we (or I ) do without someone telling me things to appease their guilt.
Someone once told me when I found out my grandmother died (she helped raise me) he told me “people die.” Who the f*ck says that? Then instead of comforting me he goes into talking about the loss of his grandmother while he was in the military. As if that is going to help me. While I can forgive this I can never forget it. How would this make you feel?
I am the baby of my family and I can remember the day my mother died. I remember she woke up by accident going to the bathroom. I got up to check on her after 10 minutes past and she said she was fine. I dozed off and an hour flew by and she was not out of the bathroom and I opened the door and there she was slumped over the tub. She was making heavy breathing noises so I thought she was just having a hard time getting up. I could not move her and I kept telling her to hold on and I was praying earnestly and fervently for her to be O.K. I called my only family my big brother (aka Batman) to come help me move her. Since she was on hospice and had a DNR I could not call 911 for help.
Do you know how hard it is for a child to make death notifications to other family members? Never, in my life would I think I would have to make that call, deliver a eulogy, do her make up and put on her jewelry. Most of all I never thought I would have to say good bye to my mother. She raised me to love God, to read, to love music, treat people the way I want to be treated and that education is important.
My mom worked 2 full time jobs and went to college full time to provide for my brother and I. I saw her get mistreated by my grandfather, his friends, her baby sister and life in general. I never knew we were poor because we had food, clothes, and a nice house. I participated in pageants, took piano and swim lessons as well gymnastics. I have a lived a good life and that is all thanks to my mother.
When you look at yourself in the mirror are YOU really looking at you or is your mind showing you what it thinks you should see? Have you ever gotten clarity from looking into the mirror? I have, but then I have gained clarity when I zone out just sitting in my office. It is when I revert back to looking inside myself and find out why I have certain thoughts or feel a certain way.
While clarity is something we should all seek to have in our lives — sometimes it is just a pure pain in the ass. I say that because once you have experienced this keen insight you have to act on it and if you do not act then it seems as if your life falls apart. I find myself asking God where do I go LEFT, RIGHT or CENTER and for the past 3 years more or less I have been waiting on His answer. Then it dawned on me that sometimes God says “hold on, I have something great in store for you” its that waiting is the part that is hard for me and most people.
When you are some place where you can’t grow, can’t relate or just plain ole hate having to wait on your blessing seems like something you should never ask your enemy to do, but you do it because you walk by faith and not by sight. You call blessings and miracles already done.
Most people do not know or do not believe that devil and his minions attack your mind because whatever enters your mind your body has to respond. The same goes with friendship and intimate relationships. So let me say this HEY FELLAS if you romance a woman’s mind guess what her heart, soul and body will eventually follow. My question is what do you do when you tell your dude this and they flat out ignore it? It would be different if they did not know what to do or what that means, but I do not think this is the issue here.
Suggestions or ideas please leave me a note
I have started to keep a timed schedule so that I can write for 15 minutes or more a day. I will tell you up front that I am not a person that is good with words or one to get really deep into my personal business, but I have read somewhere that your change your fear into control if you make a “DO IT” list instead of a “Honey Do” or “Need To Do” list. When you make this kind of list with a time schedule. For me I have set aside daily at 1:30 pm to log on and write something about my life and how I am feeling.
Today, I am a bit late it doing this because I was doing my nails. I am not the kind of girl that just files, buffs and paints her nails. No ma’am I do my own acrylics. Therefore, I have to put on the nail tips, clip to the appropriate length, file and buff. After, all that I have to get my acetone polish remover, acrylic liquid, nail brush to apply all liquids. Then I have to apply acrylic liquid and acrylic nail powder on the tip. From this point it is crazy to just keep typing the same thing over and over –I won’t do that.
Well, all that I have left to do is file, buff and paint once I get back from picking up my kids from school. I will say that I know why you see nail techs wearing face masks lol this stuff stinks to high heaven for sure. The smell takes over the whole house. Thank goodness it does not last long.
Today, is fairly decent, however, I am having that kind of day where I hate my body and all I see is F.A.T and that fat girl from high school and college is resurfacing and I don’t know how to get rid of her. I want that slender, sexy woman that weighed 149lbs back. Uggg such is my life right now.
God is good..
All the time God good
I wake up everyday and I thank God for this pleasure, yet I dread getting out bed. I think to myself I have 3 great kids that need me to do what mothers do for their kids. I have a spouse that I care for and love yet I am dead inside.
Last, Sunday pastor talked about “Get Up” and taking off your grave clothes. I realize that I have big dreams and I am NO WHERE near seeing those dreams come to life. I really want to get a Forensic Psychology degree, but I do not have the money to pay for it and my FASFA is drained. So I live my dreams through Candice DeLong on Deadly Women and other shows like that.
Today I am listening to the audio book by Mel Robbins called “Take Control of Your Life” she has a workbook that accompanies the book she wrote. A lot of what she is saying hit home on many levels. I don’t want to be 70 years old knowing that I never lived out my dreams. How is this going to look when I’m pushing my kids to be the very best they can be when I am slacking? I grew up watching my mother live her best life, but she never really achieved her dreams of being a social worker. In all honesty she lived her dream very briefly before she became disabled. Unlike my aunt that has retired as a social worker. I have lived my whole life hearing my mother tell me “I want you to have more than I ever had in this life.” And now I find myself saying that to my kids. I want to be a great example for my kids to show them that no matter what anyone tells you you can do any and all things you set your mind too.
In this book “Take Control of Your Life” she talks about fear and what is stopping you from achieving what you want. I thought to myself well: 1. I hate this town and him for moving us here without discussing it with me 2. I hate that that there is no employment here 3. I have 1 friend here in all the years we have been here. 4. He came to be close to family yet they only call him if they need something from him. Then she made me think of something that I have been doing something since I was a child which is to cry in front of others. My grandfather has ingrained in me that I can not show weakness. Therefore, I have lost 2 uncles, both grandparents and my mother and I could not cry at their funerals I break down in the shower or when I am home alone. When I get frustrated about things, or get lost when I am the devils den of Alexandria I have to find a place where no one is and cry, scream and pray.
I am scared of that my kids will see me as a failure. I am scared that my family in heaven will see me as a failure and I am deathly afraid of being a failure as a woman, mother, sister, person, etc. I am afraid that I won’t be able to change this world for the better and that my carbon footprint will be nonexistent.
I am on chapter of 3 of this book and working through the workbook. So I will have to see how it helps me Take Control of My Life.