Never Change For Anyone

I was reading my scriptures this morning and something I read hit me in my soul, because I know about each of the the things scriptures are talking about. In the following I will explain exactly what I am talking about.

It states that when life is all about us, we’re actually engaging in self-idolatry. I really never thought about it in this manner. Have you? Whenever, I am talking to him he takes whatever I said or am talking about and makes it about him. Do you know people like that? It truly gets on my nerves especially when I am trying to express my feelings to him. For example I was talking about having to be at work, leave on my lunch break (fight traffic on IH35) to pick up my kids from school and then get back on the highway to go back to work. He chimes in and says “I have to face it everyday in both directions.” That is not the point you go to work and stay at work! I get to work at 8:15 am (after taking my kids to school) when my co-workers are on their lunch I am still at work because I have to take a later lunch to go pick the kids up from school and drop them at home (which I am uncomfortable with, but I pray let God stay in control) and go back to work. I then have to get back on the highway once I clock out at 5:30pm Monday through Friday. Looking at this in black and white I am not sure that I may be indulging in self-idolatry (what do you think?) and I need to correct that.

I know that I used to hold on to the things that my grandfather used to do my mother. I held onto the hateful thing he said to me on his deathbed. I am slowly letting those things go, because I am can’t be held hostage by him and the things he did. I will say that up until the day he died I had this “Disney” version of my childhood. Granted I did n=have a good childhood. I did not lack for anything from my mother, brother, Uncle Sunny or Charlie B (my grandfather), but the day he decided to be mean and say “I thought you said you were going to take care of me when I got old” I said that when I was 5 years old. I never expected or dream that he will die let alone die of 9 different cancers that ate away at him simultaneously. When he died I was junior high what exactly could I do? He was on hospice and in a hospital bed in his bedroom of my childhood home. Instead of leaving the house that I grew up in to one his kids or his grandkids he gave it away to some dude none of us knew and donated the rest to Texas College. To this day I will never return to Tyler, TX because he made sure that I had no where to return too. It says that we deal with this kind of pain by eating, drinking, or shopping excessively. I will admit that I love to shop, but I can afford my shoes and graphic tees. I only shop after my bills and kids are taken care of and I may buy myself 2 or 3 pairs of shoes (Shoedazzle.com), get me some graphic tees from Walmart while shopping for groceries. Nine times out of ten if I am shopping for shirts my kids are getting clothes, books, etc at the same time.

It talks about the wound of rejection or neglect often leads to self-exaltation is about needing to be noticed, elevated or given compliments. I am not one that really cares to get a compliment. I have been told I do not take compliments well lol. I prefer to stay in the shadows or the background. I do not like to be in the limelight. I could never be an actor or runway model.

The wound of unworthiness can lead to self-reliance I can fall into this category easily, because I have been fighting depression for years now. Depression hit me while stationed in Georgia and my momma was living with us. He would put me in the middle by saying it was my mother or him, but one had to go. I wasn’t kicking my mother out (especially since he told her she could live with us) and that was final, but every time he picked a fight and would tell me to choose him or my mother I rejected that told him the Bible states we are to care for our parents in their old age just as they cared for us when we were young. I intend to do just that and if he wanted to go then go we would be fine. The only one to see that I was robotic in my movements, I was sleeping more, not really engaging with my kids or my mother. It was at this time I found an online game called IMVU and I could make my avatar look anyway I wanted. My avatar was scantly clad, big black wings, black horns and a tail (She was modeled after Maleficent before the movies ever came out) she was sexy and she knew it. I would stay up role playing on this game all hours the night and sleep during the morning. It feel to my mother to be up with kids and I know that was not fair to her at all. For that I have apologized to my mother before she died of breast cancer 4 years ago.

Just in case you want to know where I got this from and want to check it out for yourself please download the Bible app on your phone and then read the plan Freedom for Ladies: A Journey to Freedom in Christ.

Thank you for reading my blog and sending me your comments. You all have helped me more than you know with your kind words.

XOXO,

Jade

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