Easy On Me

I do not know if you have heard the new song by Adele Easy On Me. It is her first song since she came out with Hello. This song is about her choosing to be happy instead of being in marriage that she is not happy in and how this is going to change her son’s life.

When I listen to the song it really resonates with me on every level. Have you have ever had this happen to you? You see I have been married for 17 years and it is not that I do not love my spouse because I do, but what do you do when you are not really happy with life and everything that goes on. I thought moving back to my home state would be enough, but it is making me realize that I want more out of life and more for myself. I do not know what that is… and at this rate I don’t know that I ever will know.

This past week was the 4th year of my mother’s passing and I realize that she was right that I really do miss her now that she is gone. If I can give one piece of advise cherish your mother (or parents) because when they are gone it is hard on you to move the grief. No one understands what it is like to be the baby of my family and just how much my mother means to me. I still talk to her through my prayers everyday. I still want to pick up the phone and call her. Have her sing happy birthday to me. What I really miss is her calling my baby girl and her hugs. She gave the most amazing hugs. Someone once told me that I give great hugs. She was someone at a vendor show I was working years ago and she let her daughter be my model for my jewelry line.

I catch myself lost in thought about my past, my present and my future. I have really big dreams and sometimes I think to myself that I will never live out those dreams. I want my kids to live a dream fulfilled and live life to the fullest. I want more for them than I want for myself. That is the life of mother who loves her kids. I do not want them to struggle if they do not have too.

When I was in high school and college I would have these horrid nightmares that started out with me living my best life one moment and the next I was being rapped by a faceless man. It would start out with me happy and traveling the country with the love of my life (he was faceless too), but I always felt that I knew him and we were happy then it was dark and I was alone with evil being taking all that I had from me and I would be crying in my sleep and wake up with a soak pillow. Today is the only time I have spoken of these dreams/nightmares. I thought I had put them behind me, but it is apparent that I have not. I stopped having them once I met Dominic (my first love) then that went south due to a misunderstanding. I guess if you could have seen the look and heard his heartbreak in that moment I think you would have just walked away too. I regret not staying there at that bus stop by Highland Mall and telling him that it wasn’t what he thought. I was with my friends who happened to be boys it was nothing more than that. I waited over 2 years for him to come back from New Orleans taking care of his mother. I find myself journaling letters to him explaining that day to him and apologizing for the misunderstanding. I even tried to find him online, but I never found him (or my “father”).

It hurts knowing that I am just a little girl without a mother. I am heartbroken child with nowhere to turn or no one to talk too that will understand how I feel and how losing my mother and grandmother (they raised my brother and I) and it feels to be all alone in this world. I guess that is why I love on my kids so much and make sure they know they are loved, valued and cherished by me. I know some will read this think I am crazy and maybe I am… I do not know.

Anyway, it’s 3 am here and I need to go lay down and let this day start fresh. As always thank you for reading my blog and thank you all for the comments. I know that I do not write on here as often as I should, but life gets in my way.

XOXO

Jade

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