Until We Meet Again….

Again, i find myself alone and crying while watching a touching and loving BL called The Year Book. Just to tell you about a small part of it – it is about two friends that truly love each other.. then one moves to Bangkok because in his junior year of high school discovers he has bone cancer in his right arm. He does not talk to his friends for 4 years until he returns to home province and his best friends ( they refer to themselves as B1 and B2). I think it hits home for me because I lost my mom to level 4 breast cancer that spread to her brain. I could not help her and I had to let her gain her wings come this October will be 4 years.

B2 did not want to burden his friends especially B1 and I think that is how my mom felt towards my brother and I in the end. I never thought I would be the one to have to make those calls and make those arrangements for my mother. I do not want my kids or anyone I love (even hate) go this kind of never ending pain. No one should have to live with seeing the one person they love the most the way I found my mother deceased on that day. I can’t cover it up and I can’t run from it. When you have no one to turn to talk about, but God and even then you do not want to burden Him continuously about your grief and sadness, because your mom is in heaven next Him and she is sad that her baby girl can’t move on….

I will say this B1 and B2 are happy in the end, but his brother and his boyfriend I am not sure they make it because of the cliff hanger in the last part of the movie. We Best Love is a C-drama BL and it is completely different from the previous BL I was talking about, but it is funny and sweet despite the drama between the 2 lead characters. I hope this one ends in and truly happy ending for both the leads. Trust me someone needs to be happy and in love, because I am not. Even in my pain and depression I may not be happy, but I still want everyone around me to be happy. I can live through bliss and know that the mask that I wear is something no one can see through. The only one that could see through it is in Heaven now.

It is easy for me to get lost in a story, plot or book because their lives although make believe are so different than mine the light and love I see and even when it makes me cry because it made me think of someone I miss like my mother or my first love. Some how I am still able to smile and make me feel a certain way. I am not talking about BL’s because I want you to watch them, but more so to understand how they make me feel and the happiness they bring me.

Depression is hard to deal with when you have no one to turn to or understand you. You would think being married he would know and understand me, but every conversation turns into a “him thing”. It stops being about me and turns to being about him. I don’t know if he does it on purpose or if he has no clue that he is doing it. But its been 17 years now nothing has changed. Then he gets mad because I do not open up to him. I do not see the point when it will cease to be about me and start to be about him. I would rather just put my feelings here and know that they are out in the atmosphere some where. What do you think? What would you do if you were me? Let me know

XOXO,

JadedGrace

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