Reflection

Over past few days I have spent time reflecting on my life. Where I went wrong in this life and what not. At the end of the day I wouldn’t change the path that I have been on because I have my kids, but I would have perhaps changed the people that  I have invited into my life because they do not nurture or care about the woman I am or could be. They only care about that this woman is not caring for them and their needs.  They don’t hear me when I tell them what I need to exist. However, they post on FB that no one appreciates them. He never sees me he just wants to fuck me. He is mad that I’m not interested.  He is mad that I talk about about how cute the men of BTS are and due to his envy he calls them gay which they are not.  Other than reading, hearing my kids laugh, kdramas and kpop and music in general is all that  I have. Yes, I have my faith and the Word, but I thought that he was my all and everything. After many deployments, raising our 3 kids alone, dealing with his parents whom I love (if you know then you know) the rest of this sentence.

I always thought there was something binding that I lost my mother and 6 months later he lost his father. I was praying and hoping that this heartbreak would bring us closer, but nope that just widen the hole. Whereas, I miss my mother, her voice, smell, her laughter, I miss everything about her. She was my everything. From the time I met him and got married she was always there for us with money, love, time, wisdom, the pure essence of Wonder Woman to me and my brother. Where as we never received one ounce of help from his side. I was told by his mother that we should not have kids and that she will not watch our kids if we wanted to go out. Whereas, my mother when we  were stationed in Fort Benning, GA for those 8 years were the best years of me and my kids lives.  It was like growing up in Tyler, TX with my mother, brother, grandfather and uncle under one roof. I learned so much growing up from my family.

I get that I grew up in close knit single parent generational home where as he grew up with 2 parents and 2 siblings. My mother was both mother and father to me and my brother. She worked 2 full time jobs and went to college full time as well. She still made breakfast everyday and dinner at night. She took all the shit my grandfather handed out daily with grace and style. I only saw once during my childhood cry after arguing with my grandfather.  It was then that  I locked him in his tool shed and told him I would let him out when he stopped making my mother cry and yelling at her. I think I was born and empath and defender of those that can’t fight for themselves.  My very first fight was defending my brother against some stupid boys from his school. I still fight for those that I truly love and care about. I will literally fuck you up over my kids and gladly sit in prison. I will kick your ass over my brother, my bestie and my aunt. These are the people that I would give my life for, that I have loved all my life and will continue to love.

I told him a number of times what he needs to do for us to get back on track. It is plain and simple Romance My Mind it is not a hard thing to understand.. Is it? How hard is it to talk to me like a man that loves a woman? To make me laugh, complete me on the good things in life. etc. Its been 14 years and only first 7-9 years were good. However, most of them he was deployed and I had to learn to do for myself in his absence. I stopped watching the news (not that I ever really looked at) to begin with, I slept with the phone by my pillow and my laptop always on with an annoying bell sound so I would wake up when he was on messenger. Not that I ever expected a “Thank you for standing with me during this deployment” or “I know you never asked to be a single parent, but thank you for raising our kids and not leaving me during this deployment.” He is quick to tell me that I never thank him, but he has never thank me for raising our kids alone. So yes, when my mother came to live with us in GA it was an answered prayer to have her with me again. 

You know I would give anything to get a phone call, 10 page text, a hug from my mother. Come this coming October will be 2 years since breast cancer stole her from us.  He will never know what she means to me and my brother. You see I have lost my mother, both grandparents, and 2 uncles. I grew with my Uncle Sunny and took care of my Uncle Walter (while in high school) and he was in hospice. I was elementary when my Uncle Sunny died in the hospital holding my hand so you see they were there for me growing up and I was there to walk to the Upper Room. Hell the closest that I can get to my family is on vacation when travel to Texas. Now that my mother is gone my brother asks all the time “When are you all moving to Austin?” Do you know how tired I am of saying he I hate big cities blah blah blah. Well, hell I hate this hole in the ozone swamp town. Frankly, I am over the whole dang thing…

 

XOXO,

Jade