Over past few days I have spent time reflecting on my life. Where I went wrong in this life and what not. At the end of the day I wouldn’t change the path that I have been on because I have my kids, but I would have perhaps changed the people that I have invited into my life because they do not nurture or care about the woman I am or could be. They only care about that this woman is not caring for them and their needs. They don’t hear me when I tell them what I need to exist. However, they post on FB that no one appreciates them. He never sees me he just wants to fuck me. He is mad that I’m not interested. He is mad that I talk about about how cute the men of BTS are and due to his envy he calls them gay which they are not. Other than reading, hearing my kids laugh, kdramas and kpop and music in general is all that I have. Yes, I have my faith and the Word, but I thought that he was my all and everything. After many deployments, raising our 3 kids alone, dealing with his parents whom I love (if you know then you know) the rest of this sentence.
I always thought there was something binding that I lost my mother and 6 months later he lost his father. I was praying and hoping that this heartbreak would bring us closer, but nope that just widen the hole. Whereas, I miss my mother, her voice, smell, her laughter, I miss everything about her. She was my everything. From the time I met him and got married she was always there for us with money, love, time, wisdom, the pure essence of Wonder Woman to me and my brother. Where as we never received one ounce of help from his side. I was told by his mother that we should not have kids and that she will not watch our kids if we wanted to go out. Whereas, my mother when we were stationed in Fort Benning, GA for those 8 years were the best years of me and my kids lives. It was like growing up in Tyler, TX with my mother, brother, grandfather and uncle under one roof. I learned so much growing up from my family.
I get that I grew up in close knit single parent generational home where as he grew up with 2 parents and 2 siblings. My mother was both mother and father to me and my brother. She worked 2 full time jobs and went to college full time as well. She still made breakfast everyday and dinner at night. She took all the shit my grandfather handed out daily with grace and style. I only saw once during my childhood cry after arguing with my grandfather. It was then that I locked him in his tool shed and told him I would let him out when he stopped making my mother cry and yelling at her. I think I was born and empath and defender of those that can’t fight for themselves. My very first fight was defending my brother against some stupid boys from his school. I still fight for those that I truly love and care about. I will literally fuck you up over my kids and gladly sit in prison. I will kick your ass over my brother, my bestie and my aunt. These are the people that I would give my life for, that I have loved all my life and will continue to love.
I told him a number of times what he needs to do for us to get back on track. It is plain and simple Romance My Mindit is not a hard thing to understand.. Is it? How hard is it to talk to me like a man that loves a woman? To make me laugh, complete me on the good things in life. etc. Its been 14 years and only first 7-9 years were good. However, most of them he was deployed and I had to learn to do for myself in his absence. I stopped watching the news (not that I ever really looked at) to begin with, I slept with the phone by my pillow and my laptop always on with an annoying bell sound so I would wake up when he was on messenger. Not that I ever expected a “Thank you for standing with me during this deployment” or “I know you never asked to be a single parent, but thank you for raising our kids and not leaving me during this deployment.” He is quick to tell me that I never thank him, but he has never thank me for raising our kids alone. So yes, when my mother came to live with us in GA it was an answered prayer to have her with me again.
You know I would give anything to get a phone call, 10 page text, a hug from my mother. Come this coming October will be 2 years since breast cancer stole her from us. He will never know what she means to me and my brother. You see I have lost my mother, both grandparents, and 2 uncles. I grew with my Uncle Sunny and took care of my Uncle Walter (while in high school) and he was in hospice. I was elementary when my Uncle Sunny died in the hospital holding my hand so you see they were there for me growing up and I was there to walk to the Upper Room. Hell the closest that I can get to my family is on vacation when travel to Texas. Now that my mother is gone my brother asks all the time “When are you all moving to Austin?” Do you know how tired I am of saying he I hate big cities blah blah blah. Well, hell I hate this hole in the ozone swamp town. Frankly, I am over the whole dang thing…
When dealing with others (mainly women) we tend to run on emotions and in doing so that can lead to 1 or 2 things. One is being overly dramatic and not allowing you or your “sister” feel. It is more about “Its my way or the highway girlfriend” type of mentality. Second, you just shrink away from it, walk away from the discussion (heated or not) and just let the cards fall they may.
When our egos (mixed with raw and pure emotions) you are not listening to yourself let alone the person your talking too. In that moment you can’t dial yourself back and let cooler heads prevail. I know that all too often this argument is not going anywhere productive and it can end friendships, break up families and civic organizations. When your ego is bruised or plain old obliterated you really do not want deal with other person, but you have any kind of power at all you want to rule with an iron fist to get your way. How is that fair to the other person, yourself and your underlings? The honest answer it is not fair to anyone associated with you let alone fair to you the one arguing when you get shut down and cast out because the other person’s name, status, weight steps on you? What do you do or what should you do?
The only person that knows you better than you know yourself — is GOD. Since He is our creator, the author and finisher of our life story He is the only one able to guide us to the other side and while going through the storm (which may not be for you) you may lean, but you will never break. If before, during and after we seek Him then He is going to be there to help us, BUT we have to be still and know that He is God and he does not need our help.
Once you remove yourself and let calmer and cooler heads prevail then the path to forgiveness and for the sake of learning and moving on from the issue at hand is so much more peaceful and beneficial to all the parties involved.
So, to answer my earlier question YES I AM MY SISTER’S KEEPER! So are you
It is really crazy to think back to when I was 11 or 12 I wanted to be 16 so that I can drive and hang out with my friends. Little did I know out off all the kids I knew only ONE would still be by my side 20+ years later.
When I was 16 and working plus going to school I kept thinking man it would great to be 21 so that I could legally go to the clubs and drink. Guess who helped bring in my 21st birthday? I was temporarily engaged to a dude named Edward and some a my associates from TSU got together and took me to a little hole in the wall that was so bad ass! It was the best birthday ever. I think that was I lived as if I didn’t have a care in the world and to tell the truth right now I am jealous of my 21 -24 year old self. I had a great job, just graduated college, I was seeing a few guys and having fun.. In essence I was living my best life.
Now that I have been married 14 years, mother of 3 and I think to myself Lord what exactly have I done? How am I leaving my carbon footprint on the world? How I am making the world better for all of us? Trust me I have no clue. I can not be a forever student and I have to show and tell my children about the real world once they are of age. I have lived a sheltered and then worldly life of excess and then some.
I guess in all of this kids do not be in a hurry to grow up there is nothing special about being an adult and paying bills. However, if you ask me what my greatest days were I have to say 9-22-07 and 11-11-09 those are the days that my children were born. Those are the days I truly found out what real love is and what it means to be and to fall in love openly and honestly.
Because I am no one special and I do not hold a degree in psychology YET I rarely talk about my story or give advice. Depression is a real thing it is not just about you being down in the dumps over your career, lose of a girl or boy friend or even your parents. It is about how you react to the person in the mirror. Is she someone that makes you smile or just puts you in the mood to cover the mirror with a black cloth?
No one can tell you how you should be feeling about anything that is going on in your world. No man has that kind of control on this earth. Depression does not come with a warning label for you so that you can prepare yourself. Depression and grief go hand and hand. No one can tell you how long to grieve someone that you lost. It will be 2 years this October that my mother died of cancer. Both July (her birth month) and October (her death month) are 2 months I wish would be eradicated off the calendar. They are the longest and hardest months for me to get through. And to top that off I really have no one that I can talk to about how I feel. Yes, I can talk to my brother, but he is grieving too. My spouse lets just say that he will turn my grief into his moment and I over all that jazz.
Sometimes you want someone to just listen NOT talk. Someone to not offer their opinion. Someone to not just give you platitudes they think will be a comfort to you. Most times all a person that is depressed and going through is for you to listen.
When it comes to the things that I do when I am going through are 1. I pray and meditate 2. I color in my Wonder Woman coloring book or the painting app on my phone 3. Read a good book 4. Take myself out and buy myself something 5. Blast my music and dance till I drop. After I do all these things I shower, pray some more and go to bed. I am in no way saying that if you do my steps that they will work for you – With the exception of prayer does wonders. You have dig deep and find out what makes you smile from ear to ear. Something that makes your soul sing and your heart flutter.
Only you can take care of yourself. Only you can love yourself the way you need and deserve. ONLY YOU!
It does not matter where you live in this world beauty standards can actually bring harm to those that do not meet the criteria. In a world where photo shopping and fat shaming is the norm for YouTubers and the general public it is hard for a regular person to “fit in”. In a world where super models are the size of twig. So when there were models that had some curves and meat on their bones they are said to be ugly and what not.
I was so happy to see beautiful Black women like Winnie Harlow who has Vitiligo (which is where areas of your skin is lighter than the rest of your body) Winnie is the most beautiful sista I have ever seen and she is such a nice and graceful woman.
When Miss Harlow burst on the scene and she was confident in herself and who she was that just made her the most beautiful woman in the world. And it made all the sense in the world that she has a doll made in her image to show little girls that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and she has made herself to be the leader industry. She is absolutely stunning.
I just watched on YouTube a video by Asian Boss where they interviewed the 2018 Miss Korea and she talks about that after she won the crown she received a lot of online hate because the Korean public did not think she met the standard of beauty to be Miss Korea. Kim Soo Min is the former winner of Miss Korea and to me she is absolutely beautiful because she cares more about the pain her father felt over the horrible comments about his daughter. That truly says a lot about her as a person and a true testament of how her parents raised her.
Look at Miss Kim Soo Min where does she have any sign of being fat or ugly. But do the type of comments on her Instagram like the one above she closed her Instagram account. What is really sad is that it is truly women bashing other women to make themselves look good or feel good about themselves. Women truly are “crabs in a barrel” mentality and we tend to think that if we hurt another woman it will make us look better. When in reality it only makes us look stupid and inferior. Learning to love yourself is the hardest thing to do. Trust me I know… I am still working on looking at myself in the mirror and loving the person that I am seeing in the mirror. I do not take compliments easy from anyone, but since I have a daughter now I need to do what I gotta do for her so that she will never be self conscious about her looks, hair, weight,etc. She is beautiful and perfect just the way she is because this is how God made her.
So as a woman I am saying to fellow women of the world…. What harm does it cause you to compliment another woman on her outfit, her make up, her hair,etc? How does that take anything away from you? If you are the type of female that likes to trash other females then I suggest that you look in the mirror with a bright ass light and ask yourself why? I pray you HONESTLY answer yourself so that you know what to work on within yourself. Ask God to show you why you must trash others to build yourself up?
Before I start let me say Get your mind out of the gutter LOL. When it comes to a passion that moves me that would be music. I can listen to music and just become a cloud and float away on and array of emotions. Depending on the artist and the lyrics it is the beat that really catches my attention even before he or she opens their mouth. The musically term today is “issa bop” or “issa slap” before it even gets that far it the drums and guitars that move me once I am moved I look for the melody and then the voice to carry it too and end.
Music to me is very personal and felt deep in my soul. When I love a song I will remember the words, lyrics, beat and melody forever. For example Karyn White Super Woman from 1988 is still my go to jam when I am not feeling a situation with my spouse. Back then it was sung for guys that I wanted to break up with or one time when I was 16-17 and my first love asked me to wait on him and I waited 2 years for him come back from New Orleans and when he I saw him at a bus stop and he face fell because he saw me with a guy friend laughing and holding hands going to the mall. I will forever see his face and feel those emotions that I somehow to tied to this song. Granted I was only 13 when this song came out, but when I heard this song it stirs something in me to this day. Funny story I thought of majoring in music in college, but I chose the debate team and a business degree.
I bop my head to Nelly just like I can to Patti LaBelle and the Blue Bells from 1970’s. If it moves me to dance and smile then I don’t care who is singing. I am that type of girl that puts on her head phones I become the music and I feel so good. Music moves my soul in ways no man ever can.