What Am I Doing?

I wake up everyday and I thank God for this pleasure, yet I dread getting out bed. I think to myself I have 3 great kids that need me to do what mothers do for their kids. I have a spouse that I care for and love yet I am dead inside.

Last, Sunday pastor talked about “Get Up” and taking off your grave clothes. I realize that I have big dreams and I am NO WHERE near seeing those dreams come to life. I really want to get a Forensic Psychology degree, but I do not have the money to pay for it and my FASFA is drained. So I live my dreams through Candice DeLong on Deadly Women and other shows like that.

Today I am listening to the audio book by Mel Robbins called “Take Control of Your Life” she has a workbook that accompanies the book she wrote. A lot of what she is saying hit home on many levels. I don’t want to be 70 years old knowing that I never lived out my dreams. How is this going to look when I’m pushing my kids to be the very best they can be when I am slacking?  I grew up watching my mother live her best life, but she never really achieved her dreams of being a social worker. In all honesty she lived her dream very briefly before she became disabled. Unlike my aunt that has retired as a social worker. I have lived my whole life hearing my mother tell me “I want you to have more than I ever had in this life.” And now I find myself saying that to my kids. I want to be a great example for my kids to show them that no matter what anyone tells you you can do any and all things you set your mind too.

In this book “Take Control of Your Life” she talks about fear and what is stopping you from achieving what you want. I thought to myself well: 1. I hate this town and him for moving us here without discussing it with me 2. I hate that that there is no employment here 3. I have 1 friend here in all the years we have been here. 4. He came to be close to family yet they only call him if they need something from him. Then she made me think of something that I have been doing something since I was a child which is to cry in front of others. My grandfather has ingrained in me that I can not show weakness. Therefore, I have lost 2 uncles, both grandparents and my mother and I could not cry at their funerals I break down in the shower or when I am home alone. When I get frustrated about things, or get lost when I am the devils den of Alexandria I have to find a place where no one is and cry, scream and pray.

I am scared of that my kids will see me as a failure. I am scared that my family in heaven will see me as a failure and I am deathly afraid of being a failure as a woman, mother, sister, person, etc. I am afraid that I won’t be able to change this world for the better and that my carbon footprint will be nonexistent.

I am on chapter of 3 of this book and working through the workbook. So I will have to see how it helps me Take Control of My Life.

 

Stay tuned

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