Life Has To Go On

When you lose someone very important to you like your mother it is phrases like this that you grow to hate the most.  There are few others that once my mother died people would say to appease their own discomfort. Trust me I would never wish the loss of a parent or child on anyone. While we have to continue to move and live can we (or I ) do without someone telling me things to appease their guilt.

Someone once told me when I found out my grandmother died (she helped raise me) he told me “people die.” Who the f*ck says that? Then instead of comforting me he goes into talking about the loss of his grandmother while he was in the military.  As if that is going to help me. While I can forgive this I can never forget it. How would this make you feel?

I am the baby of my family and I can remember the day my mother died. I remember she woke up by accident going to the bathroom. I got up to check on her after 10 minutes past and she said she was fine. I dozed off and an hour flew by and she was not out of the bathroom and I opened the door and there she was slumped over the tub. She was making heavy breathing noises so I thought she was just having a hard time getting up. I could not move her and I kept telling her to hold on and I was praying earnestly and fervently for her to be O.K.  I called my only family my big brother (aka Batman) to come help me move her. Since she was on hospice and had a DNR I could not call 911 for help.

Do you know how hard it is for a child to make death notifications to other family members? Never, in my life would I think I would have to make that call, deliver a eulogy, do her make up and put on her jewelry. Most of all I never thought I would have to say good bye to my mother. She raised me to love God, to read, to love music, treat people the way I want to be treated and that education is important.

My mom worked 2 full time jobs and went to college full time to provide for my brother and I. I saw her get mistreated by my grandfather, his friends, her baby sister and life in general. I never knew we were poor because we had food, clothes, and a nice house. I participated in pageants, took piano  and swim lessons as well gymnastics. I have a lived a good life and that is all thanks to my mother.




When you look at yourself in the mirror are YOU really looking at you or is your mind showing you what it thinks you should see? Have you ever gotten clarity from looking into the mirror? I have, but then I have gained clarity when I zone out just sitting in my office. It is when I revert back to looking inside myself and find out why I have certain thoughts or feel a certain way.

While  clarity is something we should all seek to have in our lives — sometimes it is just a pure pain in the ass. I say that because once you have experienced this keen insight you have to act on it and if you do not act then it seems as if your life falls apart.  I find myself asking God where do I go LEFT, RIGHT or CENTER and for the past 3 years more or less I have been waiting on His answer. Then it dawned on me that sometimes God says “hold on, I have something great in store for you” its that waiting is the part that is hard for me and most people.

 When you are some place where you can’t grow, can’t relate or just plain ole hate having to wait on your blessing seems like something you should never ask your enemy to do, but you do it because you walk by faith and not by sight. You call blessings and miracles already done.

Most people do not know or do not believe that devil and his minions attack your mind because whatever enters your mind your body has to respond. The same goes with friendship and intimate relationships. So let me say this HEY FELLAS if you romance a woman’s mind guess what her heart, soul and body will eventually follow. My question is what do you do when you tell your dude this and they flat out ignore it? It would be different if they did not know what to do or what that means, but I do not think this is the issue here. 

Suggestions or ideas please leave me a note



Time Schedule

I have started to keep a timed schedule so that I can write for 15 minutes or more a day. I will tell you up front that I am not a person that is good with words or one to get really deep into my personal business, but I have read somewhere that your change your fear into control if you make a “DO IT” list instead of  a “Honey Do” or “Need To Do” list. When you make this kind of list with a time schedule. For me I have set aside daily at 1:30 pm to log on and write something about my life and how I am feeling.

Today, I am a bit late it doing this because I was doing my nails. I am not the kind of girl that just files, buffs and paints her nails. No ma’am I do my own acrylics. Therefore, I have to put on the nail tips, clip to the appropriate length, file and buff. After, all that I have to get my acetone polish remover, acrylic liquid, nail brush to apply all liquids. Then I have to apply acrylic liquid and acrylic nail powder on the tip. From this point it is crazy to just keep typing the same thing over and over  –I won’t do that.

Well, all that I have left to do is file, buff and paint once I get back from picking up my kids from school.  I will say that I know why you see nail techs wearing face masks lol this stuff stinks to high heaven for sure. The smell takes over the whole house. Thank goodness it does not last long.

Today, is fairly decent, however, I am having that kind of day where I hate my body and all I see is F.A.T and that fat girl from high school and college is resurfacing and I don’t know how to get rid of her. I want that slender, sexy woman that weighed 149lbs back. Uggg such is my life right now.

God is good..

      All the time God good

What Am I Doing?

I wake up everyday and I thank God for this pleasure, yet I dread getting out bed. I think to myself I have 3 great kids that need me to do what mothers do for their kids. I have a spouse that I care for and love yet I am dead inside.

Last, Sunday pastor talked about “Get Up” and taking off your grave clothes. I realize that I have big dreams and I am NO WHERE near seeing those dreams come to life. I really want to get a Forensic Psychology degree, but I do not have the money to pay for it and my FASFA is drained. So I live my dreams through Candice DeLong on Deadly Women and other shows like that.

Today I am listening to the audio book by Mel Robbins called “Take Control of Your Life” she has a workbook that accompanies the book she wrote. A lot of what she is saying hit home on many levels. I don’t want to be 70 years old knowing that I never lived out my dreams. How is this going to look when I’m pushing my kids to be the very best they can be when I am slacking?  I grew up watching my mother live her best life, but she never really achieved her dreams of being a social worker. In all honesty she lived her dream very briefly before she became disabled. Unlike my aunt that has retired as a social worker. I have lived my whole life hearing my mother tell me “I want you to have more than I ever had in this life.” And now I find myself saying that to my kids. I want to be a great example for my kids to show them that no matter what anyone tells you you can do any and all things you set your mind too.

In this book “Take Control of Your Life” she talks about fear and what is stopping you from achieving what you want. I thought to myself well: 1. I hate this town and him for moving us here without discussing it with me 2. I hate that that there is no employment here 3. I have 1 friend here in all the years we have been here. 4. He came to be close to family yet they only call him if they need something from him. Then she made me think of something that I have been doing something since I was a child which is to cry in front of others. My grandfather has ingrained in me that I can not show weakness. Therefore, I have lost 2 uncles, both grandparents and my mother and I could not cry at their funerals I break down in the shower or when I am home alone. When I get frustrated about things, or get lost when I am the devils den of Alexandria I have to find a place where no one is and cry, scream and pray.

I am scared of that my kids will see me as a failure. I am scared that my family in heaven will see me as a failure and I am deathly afraid of being a failure as a woman, mother, sister, person, etc. I am afraid that I won’t be able to change this world for the better and that my carbon footprint will be nonexistent.

I am on chapter of 3 of this book and working through the workbook. So I will have to see how it helps me Take Control of My Life.


Stay tuned