Suffocating, Grief….Will I ever get to the next stage?

For the pass two days I have been listening to music now this is nothing new for me. Music helps me process my feelings and get me to the next phase of life, However, July is coming and that is my mom’s birth month and every song from Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition to Fire and Desire by Rick James has me in tears because I can only think of my momma. On her birthday I would call say I love you and she would have  a gift in the mail, but now my new normal is looking at her picture and crying. I spend time talking to her urn, her picture and to God because I can’t seem to move pass the loss I am feeling. No one, not even my spouse can understand my connection to my mother because he comes from a 2 parent home and none of them are especially close unlike growing up where all you had to look too, learn from, love is your mother that bond is strong and unbreakable even in death.

I ordered 3 books off of Amazon and I started to read “Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died”  by Ty Alexander and I swear she is the only author that gets what I am going through and went through everything I did losing my mom to cancer, to speaking at her funeral, to my mother being cremated.  Both of mother’s had a DNR and I hated that she had that in place and I still have a full on hatred for the saying “Time heals” and “Are you ok?” If can not say anything heartfelt then just smile and keep it moving. 

You know at times I find myself longing for my mother’s salmon patties just like I crave my grandmother’s tea cakes neither of which I will never eat again. Funny, how you miss the tiny things your loved one do or say when you can no longer hear it or see them doing it. I only got to spend the last 4 days with my mother before she went to the Upper Room.  As I listen to my mother’s favorite artist Tina Turner, I will never get hear her rave about her love for this great singer.

When my family went on a cruise to Mexico I felt guilty because I wanted to take my mother on a cruise before I left this earth.  I never expected Wonder Woman to die… I am stuck on the guilt phase because I wanted to do so much for her and to show her things she wanted to see. As Tina says “What’s Love But A Second Hand Emotion… Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?” I like Ty Alexander have had vivid dreams of my mother and I talking, eating catfish, traveling only to wake up drenched in tears. I hate that I am weepy ass baby because this has never been my thing. Once I cry that first and last time I over it and I move on, but since it is my mother I can’t let go. I have prayed to help to move on, but so far I am still here and feeling my feelings too damm deeply for my taste. Crying hard with snot and crap is not in my emotional scale.

Well, momma I hope you are jamming some Proud Mary and you, grams, gramps and Uncles Sunny and Walter are dancing your hearts out at that feet of Jesus.


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