The closer my birthday gets the more lost I feel. I took my mother’s picture off the wall and slept with it. I wanted to feel her arms around me just one ?What I have I accomplished? Where have I traveled?

I have gained so much weight and I can’t seem to lose and the desire and fire that I had to go to the gym … well that is slowly dying too. I once had faith that I could do it and be 149lbs again, but that momma is slowly leaving me too. I used to be a big girl then I tasted the slimmer side of life… size 10 jeans, small to medium shirts, size 0 dresses have all just blown up.

Life is too hard with out having you here to talk to… I just lost in this life and I don’t know that I can or want to be found again. I have gotten back to watching they use to bring me happiness.  Seeing the actors go through trials and then finding happiness. Crying in my office used to bring me peace so to speak. Now I wish I had your bed because I felt so close to you when I was in your apartment sleeping in your bed.

I really miss you momma and I don’t know that this pain will ever go away.