How? Why? I just don’t get it

I am mom and I love my kids with all my heart and soul. As a young woman I never really wanted kids, I just wanted a career and mate. I wanted to travel the world and live my best life.

As a teen I gave my mother hell with my behavior outside the home, but I was NEVER disrespectful to her. I never talked to her any kind of way because I knew she would beat my ass and dare me to call the police.

Skip ahead to being married for 14 years and having a ballsy 11 year old daughter. She is bright and beautiful, however, she thinks that her ratchet little friends at school are some type of way to their parents that it is ok for her be that way.  Well, today that child has just crossed a line with me that she can’t come back from.  My heart rate is 106 right now and I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing. I was ready to lay my hands on her and just complete fuck her world up, but in my heart I was praying for God to hold me back cuz I could kill her literally right now.

She had the nerve to try to take me down over taking her Kindle (that I bought) because I told her she can not got some radio station or whatever to hang out with her friends. We as a family have some place to be today. She knew about this yesterday and she knew that and because it is the last day of school that she is gonna get buck and feel froggy with me. Well, she learned real fast that I am not the one to want on your bad side. I told her that what ever she wants or needs to ask her dad, bc I am done. I mean that I am over it and from this day forward God and her father have her in their hands.

It is going to be long long long time for me to even want to deal with her on any kind of level.

#tiredmomma #godhasit #changeisgonnacome #ugggmylife

I Am Not Skurred

He said “next time I won’t be so nice” LOL is that a threat? If so honey I am NOT SKURRED! You already know that I am grown ass woman and I do what I have to survive on the daily. I made the choice to be a stay at home mom so that no one else would be raising our kids. What do I get dumb ass threats from you just days from Mother’s Day.

You forget that we would not be in this position if you had honored our agreement once we you retired from the Army. But NO with out talking to me you moved us here where I can not get a job, I don’t know anyone, and I am isolated from everyone I know and love. You have the audacity to come at me once again side ways. I don’t know who you think you are, but let me introduce myself!

I am the daughter of single parent who is college educated and knows the ways of the streets. I am woman of faith who knows how to defend her kids and herself. I am born and bred Texan who is not afraid of a fight. I won’t start one, but I will finish it. I don’t argue with fools and simply refuse to let you steal my joy.

You seem to forget that all I need to live is the Love of God and my kids. For I know that God has my back so does my family and friends back home. It took me a while to realize that I am still the same woman I have always been even though I lost myself when I married you, because I wanted to make you happy and keep your love, but guess what boo… I love me (I may not like how  I look), but I am beautiful in my chaotic life. Everything I have had to endure in these 14 years has mad me stronger, wiser, toughened my outer shell and made my heart more able to endure everything this swamp and you throw at me.

So you see everything my mother tried to implore for me to learn during those 8 years she lived with us in GA I have finally learned. It is my sole desire to be just half the mother to my kids as she is to me. So let this to be a warning to you I know what a struggle it is to be a single mother, but I am more than capable to of doing it alone.

You harp about us being one mind and body, but since you have to real evidence that you know what that really means I leave that to be your homework. As it plays out like baseball 3 strikes and your OUT! Don’t lose everything because of your anger, ego, you ideals that only work in your head.

Only you can fix you..No, only you and Jesus can fix you for the better!

Life

They tell you life is what you make it well, I am here to tell you that is not always the truth. Life is what happens to you and how you deal with it.

Growing up with just my mom and brother I really never felt like that I was missing from my life.. Like a father. Don’t get me wrong I had my grandfather and my Uncle Sunny, but they can not replace the man that help make you. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that the blackness of my soul and the hole in the center of my heart could never be filled by anyone but him.

I lived the cliche of “looking for love in all the wrong places”

and it was “fun”, but it never filled my life with long term joy. It was only momentary. I looked under every rock, cranny, hole and club for the one that fill that hole and no one could ever fill it.

Speed to the present where I have done my DNA, talk to private investigators, anyone who I thought could help and nothing. My mom died almost 2 years ago of breast cancer and my grams died a few years before that. So the only people that could help me…can’t.

I am mom of three beautiful, talented, smart and charismatic kids that give me love, joy, and they are the center of my world and their love fills up my heart, but I still miss and need him. Some say how can you miss someone you never knew? Easy I am little girl that longs to feel her father arms around her to tell her that she is going to be just fine.

I know at this stage in my life I will most likely never met my father and have those moments, but it was my only promise that I made to myself years ago that if I ever had kids they would always know their father and forge a bond with him. I would stay with him for them even if the marriage or whatever did not work. Thus far I have kept that promise.

This is my life….Your welcomed to it