Mother’s Day

Every where around the world on May 9th will be celebrating their moms in some form or fashion. On May 9th I will talking to my mother’s urn. Breast cancer is no fucking punk and when it moves to your brain the strongest woman you know is reduced someone that can’t talk it wrecks your soul to it’s very core,

If you were not raised in a single parent home where your mother was also your father then you won’t understand any of this. For a latch key kid to lose her only parent it is million times worse than one that loses one parent but has the other to lean on. Please understand that a lose is hard no matter who you are, but when your grandparents, 2 uncles, and your mom are all in heaven you are essentially an orphan. So I totally relate to Blanch when she said “I am nobody’s daughter anymore.”

I am a mother of 3 and I will smile for them, but I will be empty on the inside. Not because of my kids because they are my whole reason for being, but I don’t have any texts, letters or voice mail saved from my mother.

You know what my worst nightmare is? Forgetting what she smelled like, how she sounded, what her handwriting looked like, what if I can’t remember her jokes (she had no sense of humor). My momma was my biggest cheerleader no matter what I wanted to do, or what I did. As a teen I was hell on wheels and she never gave up on me and when I was in trouble legally she was just there when others said I would never amount to anything.

Even after I got my life together and graduated college… She was there to pay for my wedding gown, give me money when me and him couldn’t make ends meet.  His family was never there to help, but I could pick of the phone and she was always there. She lived with us for 8 years and that was the happiest of my life that I could take her dr appt, shopping and she loved my babies to death. My kids and my mother bonded like no other and every day they say how much they miss my momma and that they wish she never died. I know their pain

My mom is my world! Everyday I still cry because I miss her so much. I pray to God to let her come to me in a dream like He did with my Uncle Sunny and grandma. I have smelled her White Diamond perfume once or twice and try to hold on to that smell instead of the nightmares I continue to have of finding her deceased in her bathroom. I hurt so much that I could not save  her. As I write this with my full of tears I am praying  to hear from her, see her, talk to her, tell her I love her, oh to HUG and KISS her one more time. Just one more time…..

 

#Mothersday #aloneandlost #depressionandsadness #orphaned

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