Mother’s Day

Every where around the world on May 9th will be celebrating their moms in some form or fashion. On May 9th I will talking to my mother’s urn. Breast cancer is no fucking punk and when it moves to your brain the strongest woman you know is reduced someone that can’t talk it wrecks your soul to it’s very core,

If you were not raised in a single parent home where your mother was also your father then you won’t understand any of this. For a latch key kid to lose her only parent it is million times worse than one that loses one parent but has the other to lean on. Please understand that a lose is hard no matter who you are, but when your grandparents, 2 uncles, and your mom are all in heaven you are essentially an orphan. So I totally relate to Blanch when she said “I am nobody’s daughter anymore.”

I am a mother of 3 and I will smile for them, but I will be empty on the inside. Not because of my kids because they are my whole reason for being, but I don’t have any texts, letters or voice mail saved from my mother.

You know what my worst nightmare is? Forgetting what she smelled like, how she sounded, what her handwriting looked like, what if I can’t remember her jokes (she had no sense of humor). My momma was my biggest cheerleader no matter what I wanted to do, or what I did. As a teen I was hell on wheels and she never gave up on me and when I was in trouble legally she was just there when others said I would never amount to anything.

Even after I got my life together and graduated college… She was there to pay for my wedding gown, give me money when me and him couldn’t make ends meet.  His family was never there to help, but I could pick of the phone and she was always there. She lived with us for 8 years and that was the happiest of my life that I could take her dr appt, shopping and she loved my babies to death. My kids and my mother bonded like no other and every day they say how much they miss my momma and that they wish she never died. I know their pain

My mom is my world! Everyday I still cry because I miss her so much. I pray to God to let her come to me in a dream like He did with my Uncle Sunny and grandma. I have smelled her White Diamond perfume once or twice and try to hold on to that smell instead of the nightmares I continue to have of finding her deceased in her bathroom. I hurt so much that I could not save  her. As I write this with my full of tears I am praying  to hear from her, see her, talk to her, tell her I love her, oh to HUG and KISS her one more time. Just one more time…..

 

#Mothersday #aloneandlost #depressionandsadness #orphaned

Letter to my younger self

Dear Younger Me,

I want you to know that life in your 40’s is full of ups and downs, but you weathered every storm with prayer and meditation. In your late 20’s you will be married to the one that you believe God made for you. Then you will get bitten by the baby bug and you would eventually have 3 beautiful kids and find your place in this world. You will have the opportunity to care for your kids and your mom for 8 years in GA. It is during this time that you are put in the middle of the fighting and feuding between your mother and husband. It is during this time depression hits you hard and the only one to notice is your mother and you are doing your best to hide from the world. Yet, your help mate takes no notice of your sinking into the bleak blackness of despair.

You lose over 100+ pounds after your gastric bypass and your wearing a size 10 skinny jeans and size 0 dresses. What can go wrong? You are moved to the swamp and weighed down by cluster migraines and have no relief. You hit para-menopause and the sex drive (you never had) has completely left, your nerves are on edge, you can’t find work and hate the town you live in. Then it happens…. Your brother calls and tells you that you need to go home and be with momma. The tone in his voice tells you how serious this is and the one that is the father of your kids tells you “people die” with no feeling or sympathy whats so ever.

You get to spend 4 beautiful days with your mom before you find her in her bathroom dead. That picture hunts your every thought and dream. You have no closure and all you want to do is run away from everything, but you don’t because you are the only protector your kids have and if you left what would your mom think and say?

I know that this letter seems gloomy and full of foreboding, but I am here to tell you that there is a glint of light at the end of your tunnel. You stand on faith that all will be well because that is what your God tells you.  So JadedGypsy know this lean not on your own understanding, but wait on the Lord.