Where To Start and What To Leave Behind?

I know what you are thinking and yes, I am back and I pray God willing that I will be able to keep this blog going and maybe pick up some partnerships along the way, but that is not the sole purpose of this blog.  This is the only way to get my feelings out and not have them break me in every way.

I can not believe that 2018 is coming to an end and 2019 is about to end.  It seems like yesterday I was writing on here about 2017 and little did I know I would be losing my mother and trying to find myself all in the same year.Well, I am still dealing with the loss of my mother an I have yet to put my life back together.

I am truly at a loss for what my life is supposed to be about. No matter how much I pray and ask God for the “big picture” of my future I have yet to see it. I don’t know what to do with myself so Monday through Friday I go to the gym and eat good for you food and only to find out that I am weighing about as much as I did before I had Gastric Bypass about 7 or so years ago. It is like I hit the age that I am and BOOM perimenapause and bam damm the weight just came from nowhere. I mean I work out, eat spinach, baked or grilled meats, fruit, protein shakes, drink plenty of water, etc so I don’t know where the fat is coming from. It really sucks to not be able to sleep comfortably at night, knee pain, lower back pain, etc. I am just so uncomfortable these days. I went from 149 to 208 and I hate the way that I look and feel.

I have tried every fad diet, gel, pill you name it and I am ready to just tell my doctor to schedule me to have gastric bypass again, because I can not live like this.. Hell, I don’t want to live this way.. The only thing that stops me for just ending it all is that I have 3 kids that need me and I need them. And yes, I am married for 14 years and my marriage could be better, but I know that I am 50% too  blame because I have no sex drive and I can’t even muster the will to fake it. He is to blame as well, because his temper is crazy one minute he is calm and cool and the next microsecond he is cussing and screaming at us for whatever reason. Granted his PTSD is part of this equation, but you can not read the Bible and turn around and start yelling and tossing out cuss words like it is a dude in the strip club throwing one dollar bills at strippers.

I stop trying to change him years ago and started trying to change me instead. I read my Bible, journal my thoughts and prayers, give Him praise for who He is and not what He does for me or my family. I truly believe that there is more out there for me and I can’t achieve them living here Pineville. I need to be in a big commerce city and not this pony town, but he hates big cities yet the reason we are here… let’s not go there. LOL

God willing I will keep this up and no fears there will be no selling of anything from me to anyone. This is just about me trying to live my best life and your are welcome join me on this journey.

Buckle up butter cup it is gonna be a bumpy ride!!!