Have you ever wished you were someone else? That you looked like Gal Godot, Beyonce, or some model? How about running away from your life? Just packing a bag, going to the airport and booking flight to anywhere, but where you are at this moment?

This is my life….don’t get me wrong I love my family, but I feel  suffocated here.  I am from the big city of Austin that is growing by leaps and bounds daily. The city has a life of it’s own, the air is sweeter, the water is better and my family is there. All that is here in one horse Pineville is his family and friends. By the way we hardly ever see unless he is needed for something.

If I were home in Austin finding a career would be a no biggie, but here it is hard as hell to even get a job at Walmart as a greeter. I have applied for so many jobs and been passed over so many times I have tracks on my back and resume.  I even tried working from home selling jewelry and make up. LOL I was my biggest paying customer….  My mom used to help out by buying from me, but I lost her in October 2017.

I live in a house where the roof in my office leaks in several places, the kitchen floor is warped and causing the door to be hard to open and lock. Every time it rains here my house gets bugs that never seem to want to leave. Let’s not talk about the ceiling fan in my son’s room that does not work. Or how the air conditioning does not reach my office and  I have 3 fans in here and it is still hot as hell. Or perhaps that there are 2 ceiling fans in my office and only one works…

All of my kids go to the same elementary school and the stupid idiots at the school board decided that next school year they going to split up the district and have to drive to 2 different schools to pick up and drop off my kids. How STUPID is that? I even called the school board to protest and I was shot down. I have to admit that I have never lived somewhere that I absolutely could not make life work for me, but here I can’t even get out and meet people. Here my life consist of going to school online, trying to write my mother’s memoirs through my eyes, trying to figure out how to set up a foundation in my mother’s name, be there for my kids, etc. I have started all these projects, but I have cast them to the back burner because I am not motivated.  Not to mention that I am going through perimenapause and I am always hot, uncomfortable, tired, and irritated due to the weight I have gained back. I was so depressed on yesterday Sunday July 1st because I could no longer fit into two of my favorite dresses. I feel and look like a fat bloated whale that has been beached on the sand.

I spend a lot of time looking at the Instagram page of Bella Bodiez where they take the fat and put in your breast or butt. These women look AMAZING just one week being post op.  The operation I want is called a BBL and it is like a full body fat removal and placement else where. For me I want all my fat put in my boobs. I went from 48DDD to a 34 C after I had my gastric bypass 6 years ago.  Uggg!!! I really hate being fat and I used to yoga daily since I can’t get the gym, but I am not even motivated for that and I have a alarm on my phone to remind me to do it.

Of course anytime he gets upset he will tell me that I can move back home to Texas and I tell him that if I do I am taking my kids and he never says he is going to fight to keep the kids or me.  To go with this heat, perimenapause, depression I have a migraine every night. My life in a small town where the highlight of my day once a month is to go grocery shopping by myself at the Walmart.  I miss my family and friends. I miss my life in Austin.

Do you ever feel this way?