It seems in the year of the Dog 2018 there is a new movement “Love Thyself” and I started down this road in 2017. I have encountered plot twists, bumps, turnovers an way to many turn downs and set backs.  

  BROKEN HEART I was delivered a huge blow when I lost my mother on October 12th at 10:30 am that’s when I found my mother dead on her bathroom floor. My immediate thought was “please don’t leave me momma” then I started to pray for her to come back to life and for God to take my life and restore hers. Having to make those calls to family was the hardest thing I thought I would ever have to do, but getting up to talk at my mother’s funeral. I wrote down what I wanted to say, but I ended up talking from the heart.  I am still reeling from her death. I am orphan…I am nobody’s baby girl, granddaughter, niece  most of my family is in Heaven now except my older brother and mom’s sisters. Most days I feel alone even though I have a family of my own. I love my children more than myself and while I love my husband we are just on a different wave length.  This is the man that promised to love me through sick and health and to forsake all others. Instead when my mom was sick and I was floating in a abyss of darkness his words of “comfort” were “people die”. Is that what you tell someone you love? Granted he and his parents are not that close, but still where is the love in that statement? When his father died just 4 months after my mother he got to see exactly how I felt. However, I think that the only one that felt the true pain was his younger brother Mark. 

I am so used to putting everyone in front of me. I am used to taking care of others before myself. I was raised to serve the food to your husband and or guests first, children next and then you serve yourself last. I still that in my house when I cook I make and take his plate to him first, my twin sons next, then my daughter and I fix and eat last. When someone wants more food or drinks I stop eating and get up and get it. I am surprised that I don’t weigh a lot less than I do now. I have lost over 150+ pounds in over 6 years and now I have gained some of it back. I have been looking at getting a bbl and boob lift to achieve the my vision of what my perfect body is to look like. I hardly look in the mirror at my body, because I don’t like the skin I am in today.  I wear a mask to cover my pain and how I truly feel. All the world sees is me with perfect make up, skinny jeans and medium graphic tee with a painted smile on my face. I don’t even like my smile because while in college in Houston, TX I had my wisdom teeth removed and over the years my teeth have gaped and shifted. So I smile with my mouth closed and I am seeking to get invisaline to straighten my teeth on the bottom.

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I come from bold, beautiful, intelligent women and the one thing in common they were single and living and loving life. Me I got married in my late 20’s to a man that I was head over heels for and I put him and his needs above mine for 13 years. We had kids and I put them (I still put them)before myself. I love being a mom, but I know that I meant for greater things. I started 2 online businesses that are truly tanking and a big part of that is because of where he moved us after he retired from the Army. We left Ft. Benning, GA, but the military lifestyle never left his attitude, anger issues and his way of thinking.  He does not help me with my businesses just complains that I spend money to keep them going and the profit is a loss monetarily. 

If I can half the mother my momma was to us and my grandmother was to her kids I will be happy and my kids will turn out just fine. Self love is easier to say than it is to do when you have no support from the those that are supposed to love you. When the man you love only wants to touch you is when he wants sex. He says he is fighting for me and for us – I laugh to myself, because I know that it is a crock of bull shit. I will just have to keep praying and having faith that God will keep me, hold me, love me and carry me through. 

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