Temperature of Love

Have you ever watched a movie that made you think about your life in every aspect? Did you watch subtitles during that movie? I am currently watching a Korean drama called ‘Temperature of Love’ this movie is filled with twists and turns… ups and downs… you will laugh and you will cry.  Seriously, I am watching this movie thinking why do these dramas always draw me into them and make me think about what I want and what I don’t have.

There is a scene in the beginning where the main two characters are out and about she (Hyun Soo) goes to the ladies room and she came out and went sight seeing. Her boyfriend began to get worried and he took off to look for her and when she went back to where they were sitting and he (Chef Ohn) she got worried and realized that they love she felt for him 5 years ago has not gone from her heart. He feels the same way in fact when he was studying in France all he could talk about was this great love to his friend CEO Park.

To get to the point CEO Park and Chef Ohn are not only friends, business partners but they had no idea they were in love with the same woman. Until CEO Park went on a trip (the same trip) as Chef Ohn, Hyun Soo and two other friends and he spots the chef and Hyun Soo sitting by the river holding hands. CEO Park decides that his friendship is not worth anything and he decided to hurt his friend.  Let’s just say they are on more formal wave these days.

Let’s skip to where Hyun Soo mother needs brain surgery and the family can’t really afford it so CEO Park jumps in and gets the surgery scheduled. All the while the love birds are finding that they are not on the same page. She discovers that love is hard work and that in that love you can be with someone and still feel lonely, sad and a lone. Keep in mind being alone and lonely are 2 very different things and when you feel that way your in a loving relationship then something is wrong.  Even if it you there a wall up between you if you can talk it out then do so, if not then don’t do as I am staying because while you love in your heart it is not something you can no longer physically show. I am sure a lot of folks will say that staying for your kids is wrong, but if you grew up as I did then you would cut me some slack.

As I watch this not only do I get lost in their world, but  lost in mine as well. He has a dad that hit his mother while he was young and is now trying to make it up to him, but the chef won’t allow it. This girl grew up without a father and all I have ever wanted in this life was to know him and see him once even from a distance. But I have been robbed of that chance. For that reason I remain broken since that part of my heart has never been filled or made whole. I thought I could fill it with a husband, but I have long since realized that is not the answer. Therefore, I started this blog to try to find my way, but I am still lost in a land where love is perfect, happiness is like candy, joy is abundant.

Watching Kdramas makes me feel and I smile a lot when I watch them thinking why can’t my life and my husband  be like these men. Instead of one with PTSD and hard edges. You can love the person with, but not like them and that is where I am now.  I am trying hard, but to him I am hardly trying. Funny thing is tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary and this is the first time he brought it up first as if I would forget. I am used to  him not being here all the time and his absence changed me profoundly. 50 percent for the good and 50 percent for the bad. I am guessing he only sees the bad especially since he is only nice and sweet is when he wants sex. I have told him to romance my mind, but he does not have a clue what that means. I have only encountered two men who knew what that meant and they were both Korean lol. Before you ask no I have not met them in real life nor do I want too. But it is nice to meet someone that is on your level of thinking.

I know your thinking how does this tie into the KDrama? Hyun Soo is writing a television series called Good Soup did not call and it is about her love for the Chef. It will have a sad ending since she broke up with the Chef and returned his ring. While she may have walked away from him physically her heart and his heart remain tied together. CEO Park said in the drama “humans are better off alone.” Sometimes I agree with that statement especially if you are not on the same wave length as your partner. The chef and the tv writer are on the same path, but they are both mixed up in their own confused lives to let the other in completely. This could be the downfall for many couples, I hope it is not for this couple, but time can only tell.  Considering what CEO Park has lost in his friendship with Chef Ohn he can’t help but still love Hyun Soo.

Life is no 40 episode Korean drama where you love, you fight, you make up, break up and still end up happy. Instead you drink soju, beer, wine or in my case Jack Daniels and Coke smoke a lot of cigarettes and cry yourself to sleep.  Don’t feel bad for me or Hyun Soo and Chef Ohn life is hard and sometimes love just complicates it.

If you want to look at Korean Drama then go to your Google Play Store and download DramaFever. I believe its 7 days free then after that you can pick your plan for the month. I do believe you will enjoy them more than day time soap operas.

#KDrama #thinlinebetweenloveandhate #lifeiscomplicated #lovesucks #endingfriendships #Korea #Kpop

LOVE THYSELF

LOVE THYSELF

It seems in the year of the Dog 2018 there is a new movement “Love Thyself” and I started down this road in 2017. I have encountered plot twists, bumps, turnovers an way to many turn downs and set backs.  

  BROKEN HEART I was delivered a huge blow when I lost my mother on October 12th at 10:30 am that’s when I found my mother dead on her bathroom floor. My immediate thought was “please don’t leave me momma” then I started to pray for her to come back to life and for God to take my life and restore hers. Having to make those calls to family was the hardest thing I thought I would ever have to do, but getting up to talk at my mother’s funeral. I wrote down what I wanted to say, but I ended up talking from the heart.  I am still reeling from her death. I am orphan…I am nobody’s baby girl, granddaughter, niece  most of my family is in Heaven now except my older brother and mom’s sisters. Most days I feel alone even though I have a family of my own. I love my children more than myself and while I love my husband we are just on a different wave length.  This is the man that promised to love me through sick and health and to forsake all others. Instead when my mom was sick and I was floating in a abyss of darkness his words of “comfort” were “people die”. Is that what you tell someone you love? Granted he and his parents are not that close, but still where is the love in that statement? When his father died just 4 months after my mother he got to see exactly how I felt. However, I think that the only one that felt the true pain was his younger brother Mark. 

I am so used to putting everyone in front of me. I am used to taking care of others before myself. I was raised to serve the food to your husband and or guests first, children next and then you serve yourself last. I still that in my house when I cook I make and take his plate to him first, my twin sons next, then my daughter and I fix and eat last. When someone wants more food or drinks I stop eating and get up and get it. I am surprised that I don’t weigh a lot less than I do now. I have lost over 150+ pounds in over 6 years and now I have gained some of it back. I have been looking at getting a bbl and boob lift to achieve the my vision of what my perfect body is to look like. I hardly look in the mirror at my body, because I don’t like the skin I am in today.  I wear a mask to cover my pain and how I truly feel. All the world sees is me with perfect make up, skinny jeans and medium graphic tee with a painted smile on my face. I don’t even like my smile because while in college in Houston, TX I had my wisdom teeth removed and over the years my teeth have gaped and shifted. So I smile with my mouth closed and I am seeking to get invisaline to straighten my teeth on the bottom.

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I come from bold, beautiful, intelligent women and the one thing in common they were single and living and loving life. Me I got married in my late 20’s to a man that I was head over heels for and I put him and his needs above mine for 13 years. We had kids and I put them (I still put them)before myself. I love being a mom, but I know that I meant for greater things. I started 2 online businesses that are truly tanking and a big part of that is because of where he moved us after he retired from the Army. We left Ft. Benning, GA, but the military lifestyle never left his attitude, anger issues and his way of thinking.  He does not help me with my businesses just complains that I spend money to keep them going and the profit is a loss monetarily. 

If I can half the mother my momma was to us and my grandmother was to her kids I will be happy and my kids will turn out just fine. Self love is easier to say than it is to do when you have no support from the those that are supposed to love you. When the man you love only wants to touch you is when he wants sex. He says he is fighting for me and for us – I laugh to myself, because I know that it is a crock of bull shit. I will just have to keep praying and having faith that God will keep me, hold me, love me and carry me through.