1st Christmas and Then There’s 2018

Merry Christmas y’all! It took me sometime to get my thoughts right to write this blog, because this is my first Christmas without my mom. I got up on Christmas and I wanted to call my mom and say “Merry Christmas momma”  and as I go for my phone her picture and dark blue urn are staring me in the face. It’s like a WHAM I can’t call her anymore. No more 10 page text messages. No more hearing her say “I love you babygirl.” No more hearing her call me babygirl…

The only difference between Christmas of 2016 is that Rob fought with my momma. They both said dreadful words to each other and this Christmas was no different except this year except my momma was not here and the harshness was done from their side only, but that is an everyday occurance when they get together.

Now 2018, is thundering in and everyone is saying speak your life into existence. Funny thing is I have been doing that for years and I am still struggling in quicksand.  Spending 5 days in the hospital and not really knowing if I would be home before Christmas or not made me think about my life.

Growing up I would dream of traveling the world. Experiencing life through the eyes and taste buds other people, cultures, places, etc. Paris is the place that dreamed of most because it is so beautiful and romantic. Paris is full of rich history, style, fashion, iconic legends live there and were forced to run to Europe due to racist times in this country.  As I grew up I wanted to go to London to just eat fish and fries LOL. In London I just wanted to be a tourist and take in the sites and sounds. Then there is Asia…I want to visit every place in Asia from Tokyo to Malaysia. Possibly live in Asia (mainly Seoul) and visit Busan beaches and eateries. Then head to the land down under Australia and play with a few kangaroos, go to the opera, beaches, visit a few pubs and shops. Zip over to Germany backpack to Zurich and everywhere in between just to try the food, perhaps visit the places that not on the tourist map (if you know what I mean).

Where did that world traveler go? A part of her has been dying since the day her Uncle Sunny died. It didn’t help that she lost her grandfather next. This man who raised 5 kids stepped in and became her father figure – Gone!  While it was a few years in between (it seemed like warp speed) when I was told that my Uncle Walter was in hospice and dying. I went everyday after school to make sure he ate, had his favorite sodas, cigarettes, etc. Then before I knew it sitting on my couch in LA watching tv my momma calls and says “baby girl grandma is gone” What do mean gone momma? I believe that is when my world actually shattered a bit and the curtain was torn down.  Then this past October my world just flat out broke/shattered/splintered in all  4 corners. To find her… just blew up every myth about life I ever held true.

Now, I am going into 2018 and I have always spoke life, good health, wealth, joy and happiness over myself, but I look in the mirror and I hardly know this person. I see my momma and grandmother’s face looking back at me (they are both extremely beautiful women), but I have to wonder where is that wide-eyed, modern day wanderer who wrote poetry, whose smile was not a mask, who never questioned her existence or reason for being on this earth.

Then I look at 3 faces that I brought into this world and think maybe you are the reason why I am here,  but I am not just destined to be June Cleaver or am I. I still dream of travelling the world and living in Asia, but when you have a “help mate” that hates to travel, fly, experience life abroad. I want to teach overseas. Here I am going into another year.. Dreams unfulfilled or is that Dreams Deferred? I really don’t know….

You my loyal readers are my outlet to the world…Go into the new year with a hope and prayer for a new you.. #Doyou and Inspire as you go along whatever path you take. If the path your own is no longer the way you want to go then change the path and keep it moving.

As for me I am going find a medium that works for me. Something that makes me happy, be in a place that makes me happy, find peace in myself and my surroundings. I am tired of the noise that never seems to end. Maybe my heartbeat will do a quick step and the migraines will just disappear.  And I will no longer feel like I am squished in a box under that car crusher machine in the junkyard on a daily basis.

Depression Consumes An Idol

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINeeLet me start by offering my condolences to the family JongHyun. It is with my saddest thoughts, heart and soul that I pray God help you all through this time of grief and mourning. Please know that United Kpop Armies around the globe are mourning with you over the loss of your son, brother, cousin, uncle, nephew, and our idol. While I was not apart of the SHINee Army I did enjoy the music and the interviews where JongHyun would do the speaking. I often would go back to my archives and look at the interviews where he would talk about his personal views on himself and he would cry. I would catch myself because I know how he feels to be in that black hole called depression to see nothing but blackness, to be swallowed up and not know how to fight your way out, to think that no one loves you, to not see that roses for the darkness, to cast the blame all on you,etc. I am still in that same spot, however the only reason that I am still here is because of my 3 kids and I recently found my mother in her bathroom dead of cancer back in October and I don’t want my kids to experience that horror and have to live with it like I do now.

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINee 2 Not only do I have to live that, but I have to live with knowing that a really good friend and former Army wife (life me) killed herself the very next day after we talked. We video chatted on FB and noticed the signs. I saw the darkness in her eyes, but Mek Mek had a way of pulling herself out her funk and putting a smile on her face that said “hey through the grace of God I am ok today”. Something in me knew that day was different and something said call her and talk to her, but as mother of 3 (just like her we have twins and older child) I just knew she would live for them. Then I the next day I was sitting on my living room sofa when a Min. Pamela Gay called me from GA and told me the Meka was dead…my world shattered…it went black…. and I knew it was my fault. She took a gun and shot herself because she just could not handle the depression and PTSD that was eating up her world and her soul.

If you do not suffer from deep depression and anxiety then you will never truly understand what this post is really about. For those of that do we are not looking for sympathy, but we do want understanding. We don’t want charity, but we want you to care enough to try to understand how we feel on a daily basis. We don’t want you to crowd us, but give us enough space to breathe, yet stay close enough catch us when suffocating. Most of all know that when we say we are OK it is a call for help and that we really do want to talk about it, but in our own space and time. Some of us may not know how to express it words so we may write it down and if that is case do not yell or get angry just accept it and read it and reply in the same manner. Some may send and email or text if that is case then just reciprocate in kind. If that person chooses to open up and talk then sit quietly and take it all in moment by moment. Do not interject yourself in the conversation and make it about you for that will only shut that depressed person down and most likely (if they are like me) they will never open up to you again. Please remember it is NOT about the listener – it is ONLY about the one talking

JONGHYUN RIH KPOP SHINee 3 JongHyun said in every video and in his will that all he wanted was for someone to say “Well done” and to give him his flowers while he was living. For me (in my opinion) I really don’t think that JongHyun saw the raw emotional love he received from band, the SHINee Army, family, friends, etc on the daily basis. What most people do not understand when you are part of a KPop Army you just in “fandom” you are part of a loyal family of fans that ride or die for their group, idol, soloist, etc. They just don’t attend concerts, buy remorbilia, write letters, make IG/FB pages, make fan art, request to join the group, idol, soloist, label pages, etc. We actually celebrate with them when it’s their birthday, when they get married, have a baby, make blockbuster movie, etc. We are sadden when lose a loved one, pet, when they are not picked for an well deserved award, get divorced, break up with girl/boyfriend, gets hurt on stage performing or a movie tanks,etc.  What I am saying is the Armies and the stans are one and the same. We feel what they feel. We go through what they go everything they go through – so when JongHyun took his life this hit all Armies across the board very hard. He was one our own and we loved him very much and we should him how much daily and I just don’t think the darkness allowed the light of our love to seep in at all.  We told him how great, awesome, sexy, sweet, beautiful, talented he was not just as a performer, but as a person. We told him how beautiful his soul was because not many performers would let themselves break down and cry on video and show their pure innocence and raw soul for the whole world to see. This is why we are so attracted to you as a person, performer, as JongHyun!

SM Entertainment The Ballad Vol.2 Joint Recital Your smile was so beautiful and now when I look in the heavens I can see you standing next to my Grams, mom, grandfather and uncles smiling down on me. Your free now from the darkness and the pain. Your at the Father’s feet where he say to you “Well done my son welcome home.”  Be free Kim Jong-Hyun and know that we your Army have always said we love you now and forever… Be free Kim Jong-Hyun and know that your Army has always said well done!

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I’m not a Playa I just crush a lot

Last night my hot headed ass spouse decided it was cool to call me FAT! Granted when we met I was overweight, but guess what I still had strong mack skills. I was never without a man – that man was sexy as shit!

I dated men that had money granted that money was not always attained legally, but that’s here nor there. I had a job and my own money, but they fly ass rides, could dress, dance and lay pipe (if you know what I mean) ladies :-).

I had decided that it was time to make a change and I prayed for my husband to be delivered to me. I prayed that he be a mix of my older brother, uncle and grandfather – you know men that I admire. These men fear God, love to have good time, know how to treat their mother, women in general, how to lead, hold a job, they liked to have a good time, family oriented and most of all loved me. So I took time out from dating, but don’t get it twisted I still hung out with my boys and partied with my girls we all had a damn good time ya heard! I just did not lay claim to any man as being “my man” during this time. I had plenty of offers and was tempted many times, but stood strong.

Low and behold I forgot that during my sophomore year at TSU (Hustle Town, TX) I signed up on Yahoo personals because I was bored in the computer lab. I was wasting time waiting on Turtle (my sweep mate) to get ready so we could go to the Que house party. There is nothing like a Que party to start your weekend off right when you are in college! Fast forward sometime and I move back to Austin and enroll and graduate from Huston-Tillotson University (Love my HBCU’s) and I get a message via email telling me I have message on Yahoo personals.. I can’t check it because I don’t remember the the dang ole password! What do I have to do? Reset the password and then I read it and I literally roll my eyes because he says he is in military yet his profile has no picture.

I am too nice a person not to respond so I say thanks for responding to the “ad” and explain that I forgot I had this and yada yada end and send.. Well, he keeps sending me messages telling me I am beautiful and this and that (how does he know this? I have a picture on my profile) and I just reply simple things. Anyway, this continues for awhile and then we exchange numbers and he calls. We talk so he is real person and not a perv LOL.. That’s a plus – Right? We go through some ups and downs and ins and outs.. but we make it to the day where we move in together in a nice one bedroom apartment in Killeen.

Life is gravy….you know the newlywed times always are the good times… then we get married and the good times are still rolling. Then deployments and field times happen… Then PTSD sets in….I still say he is bipolar… I have no idea what he saw over there, but he is holding on to it and brings that out at home on 3 kids and me. I do not allow it and stand up to him.

He often tells me I can leave and go home to Austin and frankly I am so want to, but would that be best for my kids? He often tells/asks me on the daily basis that I have a boyfriend or to go my boyfriend. But my momma did not raise no fool (#RIHmomma) when a man does this that’s because he has a side chic and wants to put it all off on you.

So when he had the gall to call me fat yesterday and then throw out there that  I had boyfriend. I just told him “I’m not a playa I just crush a lot” and trust me I still get cat calls everywhere I go what about you chunky?  Yea that shut his ass up real fast! Do not ever try me honey cuz I do #clapback a lot faster than you.

If you are wondering if I love this man that I have had 3 kids with.. the answer is yes I love him, but I am now wondering if I am in love.

He wrote the song “I’m not a player” which where the line “I’m not a player I just crush alot came from #RIHBigPun He died of a heart attack in 2/2007