I was raised in the church and I do love the Lord, but I just don’t know where my faith has gone since my mother died in October. To be totally honest since I lost my Grams over 3 years ago my faith has been shaky, but never really wavered, but now I just find myself looking at my mom’s picture and her urn thinking…. WHY? Why her? Why did I have to find her? Why did I have to pick out her urn and plan her funeral? Just why?


I’ve asked you over the years a million times why am I here? What is my purpose?I look at my kids and I know I am meant to be a mom, but there has to be more to me than that. Isn’t there? Isn’t there more than living in a crappy house with a leaky roof, a crappy town where I don’t know anyone, and nowhere to go, having no money of my own, etc.


I am supposed to lean on you and not on my own understanding yet I don’t understand my life. I don’t understand me or where your guiding me. I am simply lost in this black abyss that I call my life. To back things up a bit when my Grams died that was hard enough. She is the backbone to this family and I was here and I got a call telling me she was gone. I had no support to help me get through my grief therefore, I am still grieving. But, I was still standing on faith that you would do what you said you would do and that you are a on time God. When fruits were bearing on my tree, I still prayed, I still stood, I still fought… Where were you? When I found out my mom had breast cancer and I asked for the right words to talk her into treatment, but hey how that pan out for me? or her for that matter? It seems like when comes to me everyone that I love you take, yet I am supposed to be alright with that and stand on faith that everything is supposed to be ok. First, was Uncle Sunny my best friend in my childhood.  Then you took my grandfather who was my only father figure and the light of my life. Then you took my Uncle Walter who when I was younger I didn’t really like, but when I became a teenager I took care of when he was in hospice and grew to love. Then you took my Grams my world was shattered because she helped to raise me and the only one my family to spank me. And now my mother who sits on my desk. Now I have a IDGAF attitude yet I still pray and read the word some how hoping things will change and yet they stay the same.  Yet, I don’t know why…


Walking by faith and not by sight is something I am trying to do, but I keep knocked on my ass.  The arrows thrown at me are huge and hit center mass. This of course has nothing to do with you, but me because I don’t understand any of this. Please do not give me the “everyone has a season” verse from the Bible.  I know momma’s happier at your feet and with our family in heaven, but being made of flesh of bone (being greedy) I want my momma here where she can send me 10 page text, where I can call her and vise versa, where we can argue and make up 20 minutes in the call, where I can home to visit, where my kids can call her and she and Shiloh can make summer plans.

The angel I think has flown the coop, but the devil is stead fast in his attack and practically dead yet living in autopilot.  So I’ll end this by saying welcome to my hell, enjoy your stay… If the heat is too high don’t touch the thermostat for fear of me throwing a pitch fork at you LMBO…

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