Just when I think I am trying to rebuild and move past the grief of losing my mother…. today happens! My daughter comes into my office and says “there is a guy at the door with a box for you” and I am thinking I have not ordered anything I don’t think lol. I go to the door and it is the postman with a rectangular box and the little card for me to sign. I scan the box looking for any indication of what’s in it and then I see it “Cremation Remains!” It was at that moment that life drained from me and I felt like my legs were going fall from underneath me, but I guess God was (or momma) was holding me. I signed the paper and accepted momma’s remains..I didn’t look up after locking the door and walked straight back to my office and once sitted began slowly taking the paper off the box and taking the urn out that I chose.
If my momma could see the urn I choose I think she would like it is dark blue and gold. Since my momma left me I have adopted this motto “If you are not swimming deep with me, then you don’t need to be swimming next me so if you drown and I keep going forgive me, but I got to keep on moving!”
That may sound harsh, but right now I really just don’t give a fuck anymore. My family tree’s roots are drying up like the damm Serengeti and frankly I feel exactly like Blanche from the Golden Girls when she lost her father Big Daddy and she said “I’m nobody’s little girl anymore”. My momma is my SuperWoman. We had our ins and out, but at the end of the day she knew that I would travel to the ends of the earth to make sure she had whatever she needed or wanted. I would fight the devil and his minions to make sure she would smile and laugh enjoy her life. I only fight his dusty ass for my kids, my brother, and my Aunt Baye.
Right now if someone were to buy to me an airplane ticket to anywhere in the world with everything from the hotel for to having extra money to spend… you know I would go in a heartbeat. Of course I have to take my kids and drop them off at my brother’s house in Austin while I am gone.
I now know why my homegirl Mek Mek took her life because living this life is hard as hell when you don’t have what you need or want. The only reason that I don’t is because I don’t trust anyone and that includes their dad to raise my kids, but me.
I just can’t adult today….I am not too sure about tomorrow…check back on Monday, but don’t hold your breath…