What Do I Need To Heal In My Life Right Now?

Before I get to talking about healing and starting over let me start about horrific day at 10 am on October 12th  in Austin, TX.   I had gone home the Saturday the Saturday before to spend a week with my mother who was suffering from breast cancer that went to her brain.  That fucking cancer caused her to lost voice and thought process. Momma would just sit and look at you like she had something to say to you, but she just could not get her brain and her mouth to work together to get out.

My mother raised my brother and I as a single parent with the aid of my grandparents, Aunt Evelyn (in the summer), Uncle Sunny. We grew up in a general home my brother and I and we never lacked for anything as kids. My momma two full jobs and went college full time. She graduated with a BS in Sociology and a minor in Homemaking.  In the midst of being a mom, college student, holding down 2 jobs, she managed to have a social life too. She is a beautiful  woman and looks just like her mother and I look just both of them.

Now, back to the be present I went to Austin, Tx, to visit my mother for a week. I arrived saturday and we laughed and im was to leave the following saturday.  I had to stay for close to a month since she put on hospice and could not live alone.

Speeding ahead (because I am very sleepy baby) on October 12th at 10am I found my mother dead in her bathroom.  I tried to move her, but I was unable too so I called my brother. He sick himself so my SIL, oldest niece and nephew came and helped moved momma.

I laid down beside her holding her hand and kissing her cheek telling her I love her and asking her why did she leave me. From 10 to 3pm we were with my momma and I stayed by her side.

The day of her wake I did her make up and put on her jewelry. I now wait for her ashes to be sent to me and her picture sits on my desk along with her books and nicknacks.

What do I need to heal my life right now? Hell, if I know. My prayers are simple Lord have your way. I miss you momma… I am no one’s granddaughter… no one’s daughter anymore… I out here floating in the abyss alone.

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