Faith

I was raised in the church and I do love the Lord, but I just don’t know where my faith has gone since my mother died in October. To be totally honest since I lost my Grams over 3 years ago my faith has been shaky, but never really wavered, but now I just find myself looking at my mom’s picture and her urn thinking…. WHY? Why her? Why did I have to find her? Why did I have to pick out her urn and plan her funeral? Just why?

FAITH 1

I’ve asked you over the years a million times why am I here? What is my purpose?I look at my kids and I know I am meant to be a mom, but there has to be more to me than that. Isn’t there? Isn’t there more than living in a crappy house with a leaky roof, a crappy town where I don’t know anyone, and nowhere to go, having no money of my own, etc.

FAITH 2

I am supposed to lean on you and not on my own understanding yet I don’t understand my life. I don’t understand me or where your guiding me. I am simply lost in this black abyss that I call my life. To back things up a bit when my Grams died that was hard enough. She is the backbone to this family and I was here and I got a call telling me she was gone. I had no support to help me get through my grief therefore, I am still grieving. But, I was still standing on faith that you would do what you said you would do and that you are a on time God. When fruits were bearing on my tree, I still prayed, I still stood, I still fought… Where were you? When I found out my mom had breast cancer and I asked for the right words to talk her into treatment, but hey how that pan out for me? or her for that matter? It seems like when comes to me everyone that I love you take, yet I am supposed to be alright with that and stand on faith that everything is supposed to be ok. First, was Uncle Sunny my best friend in my childhood.  Then you took my grandfather who was my only father figure and the light of my life. Then you took my Uncle Walter who when I was younger I didn’t really like, but when I became a teenager I took care of when he was in hospice and grew to love. Then you took my Grams my world was shattered because she helped to raise me and the only one my family to spank me. And now my mother who sits on my desk. Now I have a IDGAF attitude yet I still pray and read the word some how hoping things will change and yet they stay the same.  Yet, I don’t know why…

FAITH

Walking by faith and not by sight is something I am trying to do, but I keep knocked on my ass.  The arrows thrown at me are huge and hit center mass. This of course has nothing to do with you, but me because I don’t understand any of this. Please do not give me the “everyone has a season” verse from the Bible.  I know momma’s happier at your feet and with our family in heaven, but being made of flesh of bone (being greedy) I want my momma here where she can send me 10 page text, where I can call her and vise versa, where we can argue and make up 20 minutes in the call, where I can home to visit, where my kids can call her and she and Shiloh can make summer plans.

The angel I think has flown the coop, but the devil is stead fast in his attack and practically dead yet living in autopilot.  So I’ll end this by saying welcome to my hell, enjoy your stay… If the heat is too high don’t touch the thermostat for fear of me throwing a pitch fork at you LMBO…

Special Delivery

Just when I think I am trying to rebuild and move past the grief of losing my mother…. today happens! My daughter comes into my office and says “there is a guy at the door with a box for you” and I am thinking I have not ordered anything I don’t think lol. I go to the door and it is the postman with a rectangular box and the little card for me to sign.  I scan the box looking for any indication of what’s in it and then I see it “Cremation Remains!” It was at that moment that life drained from me and I felt like my legs were going fall from underneath me, but I guess God was (or momma) was holding me. I signed the paper and accepted momma’s remains..I didn’t look up after locking the door and walked straight back to my office and once sitted began slowly taking the paper off the box and taking the urn out that I chose.

If my momma could see the urn I choose I think she would like it is dark blue and gold. Since my momma left me I have adopted this motto “If you are not swimming deep with me, then you don’t need to be swimming next me so if you drown and I keep going forgive me, but I got to keep on moving!”  

That may sound harsh, but right now I really just don’t give a fuck anymore. My family tree’s roots are drying up like the damm Serengeti and frankly I feel exactly like Blanche from the Golden Girls when she lost her father Big Daddy and she said “I’m nobody’s little girl anymore”.  My momma is my SuperWoman. We had our ins and out, but at the end of the day she knew that I would travel to the ends of the earth to make sure she had whatever she needed or wanted. I would fight the devil and his minions to make sure she would smile and laugh enjoy her life. I only fight his dusty ass for my kids, my brother, and my Aunt Baye.

Right now if someone were to buy to me an airplane ticket to anywhere in the world with everything from the hotel for to having extra money to spend… you know I would go in a heartbeat.  Of course I have to take my kids and drop them off at my brother’s house in Austin while I am gone.

I now know why my homegirl  Mek Mek took her life because living this life is hard as hell when you don’t have what you need or want. The only reason that I don’t is because I don’t trust anyone and that includes their dad to raise my kids, but me.

I just can’t adult today….I am not too sure about tomorrow…check back on Monday, but don’t hold your breath…

Sweet Talk and Lies

I knew the moment you started to talk while I was gone for almost a month that your sweet talk was nothing but lies. They were beautiful lies I wanted to believe, but I knew once we crossed state lines we would never go dancing, to a movie, or the MC Magic concert in San Antonio.

From the day we got back home from my mother’s funeral we got right back into our normal routine. I run the errands, do the grocery shopping, take and pick up the kids from school, run my 2 businesses alone, (basically everything you did while I was gone) and you found out being a mom ain’t easy.

You tell me about your day all the while knowing that my day was null and void, because what does a SAHM do? Every damm thing, but in the background and in silence.

Then you have the nerve to ask me even as a joke “do you have a boyfriend?” OFC I don’t, but keep asking me and one day the answer will different. Just like when you keep throwing in my face that I can move back to Texas when that day arrives… Don’t be surprised… OK?

I have lost my grandparents and my mother now… All I have are my kids and my brother frankly I would rather be in Austin  than this funky dusty ass town any day. I followed you here even after the promise was when you retired we would live… where? In Texas.. I didn’t ask questions I just followed you like a loyal and dutiful wife. I made and I am making due here in town I hate while living a lonely and depressed life. You know everybody while I know your family and 1 other person… You don’t want to live in Austin because its “big city and you hate the traffic” boy please get over it and put on your big boy jockeys! If I can raise kids without you during field times and deployments you do this!

I can do without your sweet talk and lies, but they were nice to hear even if the lies short lived and over the phone. Even if they were said only to get me ride back with you and the kids instead of flying back.. If you never really meant them from the heart.. LOL Yeah I am Jaded for real and guess who made me that way?

What Do I Need To Heal In My Life Right Now?

Before I get to talking about healing and starting over let me start about horrific day at 10 am on October 12th  in Austin, TX.   I had gone home the Saturday the Saturday before to spend a week with my mother who was suffering from breast cancer that went to her brain.  That fucking cancer caused her to lost voice and thought process. Momma would just sit and look at you like she had something to say to you, but she just could not get her brain and her mouth to work together to get out.

My mother raised my brother and I as a single parent with the aid of my grandparents, Aunt Evelyn (in the summer), Uncle Sunny. We grew up in a general home my brother and I and we never lacked for anything as kids. My momma two full jobs and went college full time. She graduated with a BS in Sociology and a minor in Homemaking.  In the midst of being a mom, college student, holding down 2 jobs, she managed to have a social life too. She is a beautiful  woman and looks just like her mother and I look just both of them.

Now, back to the be present I went to Austin, Tx, to visit my mother for a week. I arrived saturday and we laughed and im was to leave the following saturday.  I had to stay for close to a month since she put on hospice and could not live alone.

Speeding ahead (because I am very sleepy baby) on October 12th at 10am I found my mother dead in her bathroom.  I tried to move her, but I was unable too so I called my brother. He sick himself so my SIL, oldest niece and nephew came and helped moved momma.

I laid down beside her holding her hand and kissing her cheek telling her I love her and asking her why did she leave me. From 10 to 3pm we were with my momma and I stayed by her side.

The day of her wake I did her make up and put on her jewelry. I now wait for her ashes to be sent to me and her picture sits on my desk along with her books and nicknacks.

What do I need to heal my life right now? Hell, if I know. My prayers are simple Lord have your way. I miss you momma… I am no one’s granddaughter… no one’s daughter anymore… I out here floating in the abyss alone.