Diary

I have been writing in my diary these days instead of blogging, but I have missed the atmosphere. Have you ever felt lost? I have been a wife and mother for so long that I got wrapped up in that world and I forgot exactly who I am. I am so lost that I got to the point that I would pray and I knew that God did not hear me. There is just a void there. I am not one to actually talk about my problems to anyone. I will pray about them, blog about them, write about them, but not talk about them with anyone. This time I reached out to my older brother. I cried on the phone (something I NEVER do is cry in front of others) and just poured out my soul to him. He listened… he heard me… that is something my husband never does… LISTEN…without saying anything….Only when I asked for my brothers advice did he offer it. He did not turn it around in his favor, he did not accuse me of anything, talk to me as if I was his soldier or his child, he did not yell at me, scold me, talk down to me either. He LISTENED with love and empathy to his baby sister lay out her heart about her life, her marriage, and being so lost that she just could not carry on anymore.

I had to admit to my brother that I wear a ton of masks in this life. Depending on who I am talking too will depend on the mask that I am wearing. I have been doing it so long it is now second nature to me.  I can fully understand why the women on the show SNAPPED or how someone came up with the concept WIVES WITH KNIVES… I could never harm another human being, but I can understand the concept and the reason why.

Being stuck in this place I have started to teach myself Korean. To read and write Hangeul… I enjoy watching DramaFever and Kdramas, listening to K-Pop, writing, and I am looking for friends that live in Korea and ways to practice and take the TOEFL to teach in Asia. These little things bring me joy… along with playing with kids… hearing them laugh…sing.. being deep meditation in the Word of God… pinterest and instagram…. Yeah I know it does not take much… 🙂

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