I have been writing in my diary these days instead of blogging, but I have missed the atmosphere. Have you ever felt lost? I have been a wife and mother for so long that I got wrapped up in that world and I forgot exactly who I am. I am so lost that I got to the point that I would pray and I knew that God did not hear me. There is just a void there. I am not one to actually talk about my problems to anyone. I will pray about them, blog about them, write about them, but not talk about them with anyone. This time I reached out to my older brother. I cried on the phone (something I NEVER do is cry in front of others) and just poured out my soul to him. He listened… he heard me… that is something my husband never does… LISTEN…without saying anything….Only when I asked for my brothers advice did he offer it. He did not turn it around in his favor, he did not accuse me of anything, talk to me as if I was his soldier or his child, he did not yell at me, scold me, talk down to me either. He LISTENED with love and empathy to his baby sister lay out her heart about her life, her marriage, and being so lost that she just could not carry on anymore.
I had to admit to my brother that I wear a ton of masks in this life. Depending on who I am talking too will depend on the mask that I am wearing. I have been doing it so long it is now second nature to me. I can fully understand why the women on the show SNAPPED or how someone came up with the concept WIVES WITH KNIVES… I could never harm another human being, but I can understand the concept and the reason why.
Being stuck in this place I have started to teach myself Korean. To read and write Hangeul… I enjoy watching DramaFever and Kdramas, listening to K-Pop, writing, and I am looking for friends that live in Korea and ways to practice and take the TOEFL to teach in Asia. These little things bring me joy… along with playing with kids… hearing them laugh…sing.. being deep meditation in the Word of God… pinterest and instagram…. Yeah I know it does not take much… 🙂
Have you ever heard a song that instantly lifted your spirits? Well, that song for me has always been ‘Just The Way You Are’ by Bruno Mars. It is something about this song that when I hear him sing it – it’s like he is looking at me and singing directly to me and me alone.
When a man sings a song like that to the one he loves how can she not smile? I fell in love with Bruno Mars with this song and I have been his ever since.
When he says “I could kiss her lips all day if she let me” how romantic is that? Then he tells her that he “he loves her smile” I mean come on what woman would not love that coming from her man every single day?
Currently, I am the walking the dead inside. I do not know if I should left, right or center where my life is concerned. I have been married for 13 years and I have 3 beautiful kids. Do not get me wrong I love my husband, I do not know if I can deal with the lecturing, fighting, living in the past, and what not. It’s old and tiring frankly. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even think God listens to me any more.
I have even wondered what it would be like to dance in the clouds and be truly free, but I am coward and can not leave my kids without mother. Its partly the same reason I am still married so my children will have a father. I grew up without a dad and to this day I am still searching for that elusive missing link.
However, when I hear that song all I do is smile and I can temporarily forget about my pain and just smile and dance!
Today I was driving my son to Popeye’s for some tenders and I was thinking to myself…. My life is all for my kids…what would tombstone read… “Here lies a mom…who loved her babies… the end.”
At age 16 I was full of life and spirit.. I wanted it all… I would chase the devil and pull his tail to dance in the rain with him just to say hey “dude I am not scared of you!” At age 24 I raged against the machine and worked hard to get all I could help my mom, partied, got my degree, loved like no other, yeah I danced with the devil, but I loved God in my way too. After a while dancing with the devil got old and I wanted to get married so I did to the one that I prayed for… enter age 27 who knew that it would be the beginning of the end…. of me. The Army gave us one day to get married, and the next it’s back to Ft. Hood to get me documented as his wife. Then off he went to fight overseas… I left alone to go crazy in a house to watch the news, wait by the phone, and with a laptop for his instant message. This is where most military marriages end because the wife cheats when the spouse is gone. I had an angel stationed with me who happened to be another Gemini just like me and she would not let me sit alone at home and go completely mad.. LOL That took care of my days, but the nights were another story entirely. A newly wed bride sleeping alone in big lonely house. My only comfort was the television and my laptop. I forced myself to stay away from the news and to this day I still do not watch the news… 13 years later. Some habits are just not worth breaking..
I watched that friend and her spouse break up and I secretly prayed that would never happen to me and my Doc.. I also prayed they would stay together because I loved them so dearly as a couple and as my friends. I had never had or known any other Gemini’s that I could be friends with and could completely in sync with on every level! We are still friends to this day.. The 3 Gemini’s and we still celebrate our birthdays even though we live in different states together. I love you guys… You know who you are!
Enter age 30 something and we are now stationed in Ft. Benning, GA and everywhere I look I an seeing babies and I really want one. Despite, being told by my MIL that we should not have any babies since he has 2 already that he hardly sees. We go through the medical check ups and find out… every…. woman’s nightmare… she is infertile.. My heart broke… However with science and the Hannah’s prayer from the Bible our daughter was born healthy in September of 2007. She was and is the princess of our family and trust me when I tell you she acts every bit of it! Today she is 9 and in the third grade. Even on her worse days and when she gets on that last nerve she makes me smile in my soul.
Two years later I again prayed Hannah’s prayer and went back to science and conceived twin boys. My doctor was scared to tell me it twins at first and when saw my OVERJOYED reaction he calmed down. He thought it would smart to try be a smart ass when I asked if he knew was a was girl and one a boy so soon, but I nipped that shit in the bud trust me lol. That moment makes me smile for some reason I don’t know why. I have not really smiled a lot these days. Anyway, my baby boys were born in November. They were 12 minutes apart, head full black hair, full mustache (no lie) and beautiful! They are 7 now and in the 1st grade.. They are loves of my life… My 3 wonderful babies are the reason I live and breath…
I prayed for their father, my husband and I think we are fated to be life mates and parents. However when one person has a hidden illness like I do and the other has no sympathy or care for you. And all you hear is “You always have a migraine or headache.” or “if you don’t like it go home.” its gets old and when the time comes and Lord says ok…. watch yourself and when you open the door and you don’t see anything…. Don’t ask why at 40 something did she do this? Because you should know the answer…