Floating and Yet Stuck

Have you ever lost someone/someones that meant the whole world to you? I lost 3 in what seems like rapid succession. To this day I can’t wrap my head around it and I can’t let them go. I find myself just floating in space in time; lost and yet stuck in just one spot. I cry at weird times and look pictures of my halmoni and halabeoji (my grandparents). These people helped my mother to raised me and my brother and they became my life growing up and as a young woman.

My halabeoji (grandfather) was/is the only father I know and ever had and he left me at as teen girl. I still had a lot questions that only he could answer and he wasn’t there. His last words to me were “I thought you were going to take care of me in me in my old age?” I told him that when I was 5 he died of 9 different cancers when I 15 years old. How was I supposed to fulfill that promise to him? I live that guilt to this day and he has been in heaven for years now. The is how do I let him go? He is my abeoji (daddy) and he is gone… His picture is on my laptop so I never turn it off and on my desk taped to my halabeoji (Gram’s) picture. It hurts to know I am nobody’s grandbaby anymore.

My halabeoji (Grams) lived to be in her mid 90’s and once my hubs retired from the Army he wanted to move to swamps of Louisiana where he is from and negate the deal we had for 8 years where upon retirement we would move to someplace in Texas. My halabeoji died in the home of Aunt Tricia and I never got to say bye. Never got to hug her, or kiss her… I live with that… The last time I held my halabeoji was at Christmas I think 2 Christmas’s before she died. I tried to lean over her casket to kiss her but standing at 5*2 1/2 I am to short and I did not want to tip the casket over. You guessed it… I live with that….

I am floating in time and space.. yet parts of me are stuck in certain eras of my life. No matter how I try to explain it too him it only passes through and he turns it around to talk about himself. So I just stop trying to explain it and I turn inward and I try to pray about it, but I sometimes feel that God has turned a deaf ear to me.

It’s funny I watch a lot Korean dramas and romantic comedies and when your watching shows with subtitles they have something to prove. Unlike American shows they have to make you feel each scene. Every one I have thus far has done just that! I am truly addicted Drama Fever and K-Pop that is a fact! The ones I have been watching have involved romance, but more importantly family. It is the the family parts that are truly emotional that get me everytime and make me remember my youth and cry tears of anguish and pain. It reminds me that I am floating and stuck… Have you every been here in this position?  Trust me you don’t ever want to walk in my shoes… I don’t want walk in my shoes.

It’s lonely without my roots to tree.. Its lonely in this hell call Pineville…I just want to curl up in ball in my halabeoji arms be happy again… I want it be a Saturday and I want to watch westerns with my abeoji until noon or so get dressed and go do whatever it is he plans for us do small town of Tyler, TX where we grew up. Oh to have a time machine to go back in time be with them again… If heaven had cell phones… Damm the tears are flowing again…

 

Thank you for reading this… Please if you have comments or can relate post below.. I will reply… I promise

gamsawa jasin-eul salang

(Thanks and Love yourself)

Yolanda