Silent Hell

I live in a SILENT HELL that unless you walk in my shoes you really can’t understand my battle. I suffer from chronic migraines and the medicines do not work they only dull the pain and most days I want to put my head in a vise grip and just pop it off!

I have a neurologist and he only spends all of 5 minutes with me in his exam room. I spend more time in the waiting room actually than with him. He doesn’t listen, sometimes over talks me, then he only offers pills.  I have cycled through his pills 2 times and endured the 10th realm of hell when I had a spinal tap. That I will NEVER do again and the after affects (effects) are not worth it.

It has taken me 2 hours to write this because of my head is killing me and I just can’t focus and frankly typing in the dark and in dark glasses is not easy.  Plus watching my Korean dramas on low light forcing myself to focus on the words, because I can’t listen to the actors.

On a side note these Korean dramas make me feel more deeply than American soap opera that is for sure! Don’t ask me why lol…They just do

Floating and Yet Stuck

Have you ever lost someone/someones that meant the whole world to you? I lost 3 in what seems like rapid succession. To this day I can’t wrap my head around it and I can’t let them go. I find myself just floating in space in time; lost and yet stuck in just one spot. I cry at weird times and look pictures of my halmoni and halabeoji (my grandparents). These people helped my mother to raised me and my brother and they became my life growing up and as a young woman.

My halabeoji (grandfather) was/is the only father I know and ever had and he left me at as teen girl. I still had a lot questions that only he could answer and he wasn’t there. His last words to me were “I thought you were going to take care of me in me in my old age?” I told him that when I was 5 he died of 9 different cancers when I 15 years old. How was I supposed to fulfill that promise to him? I live that guilt to this day and he has been in heaven for years now. The is how do I let him go? He is my abeoji (daddy) and he is gone… His picture is on my laptop so I never turn it off and on my desk taped to my halabeoji (Gram’s) picture. It hurts to know I am nobody’s grandbaby anymore.

My halabeoji (Grams) lived to be in her mid 90’s and once my hubs retired from the Army he wanted to move to swamps of Louisiana where he is from and negate the deal we had for 8 years where upon retirement we would move to someplace in Texas. My halabeoji died in the home of Aunt Tricia and I never got to say bye. Never got to hug her, or kiss her… I live with that… The last time I held my halabeoji was at Christmas I think 2 Christmas’s before she died. I tried to lean over her casket to kiss her but standing at 5*2 1/2 I am to short and I did not want to tip the casket over. You guessed it… I live with that….

I am floating in time and space.. yet parts of me are stuck in certain eras of my life. No matter how I try to explain it too him it only passes through and he turns it around to talk about himself. So I just stop trying to explain it and I turn inward and I try to pray about it, but I sometimes feel that God has turned a deaf ear to me.

It’s funny I watch a lot Korean dramas and romantic comedies and when your watching shows with subtitles they have something to prove. Unlike American shows they have to make you feel each scene. Every one I have thus far has done just that! I am truly addicted Drama Fever and K-Pop that is a fact! The ones I have been watching have involved romance, but more importantly family. It is the the family parts that are truly emotional that get me everytime and make me remember my youth and cry tears of anguish and pain. It reminds me that I am floating and stuck… Have you every been here in this position?  Trust me you don’t ever want to walk in my shoes… I don’t want walk in my shoes.

It’s lonely without my roots to tree.. Its lonely in this hell call Pineville…I just want to curl up in ball in my halabeoji arms be happy again… I want it be a Saturday and I want to watch westerns with my abeoji until noon or so get dressed and go do whatever it is he plans for us do small town of Tyler, TX where we grew up. Oh to have a time machine to go back in time be with them again… If heaven had cell phones… Damm the tears are flowing again…

 

Thank you for reading this… Please if you have comments or can relate post below.. I will reply… I promise

gamsawa jasin-eul salang

(Thanks and Love yourself)

Yolanda

GUIDE

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.”

— Jack Kerouac

I am on a journey of self fulfilment and change for the Lord, myself, and my children. I am on a journey of change for the better so that I can grow to be the best woman for me, mother for my kids and even wife to my husband plus I want to be best the business woman I can be.

On this journey I want to be a mentor to my children and to  any and every little, teen and young adult female that crosses my path. I can’t do that if I am not I am not he best  me possible.  I can’t do that if I stay behind this mask. I have learned over the years of being a parent that children are always watching and they are more perceptive than we ever give them credit for and most important they are always learning from us!

I bless everyone that I can. Just as Peter healed the lamed beggar  (see Acts 3:1-26) “Peter told the beggar he did not have any silver and gold, but something better he had the Holy Spirit.” I may not have money to give, but I do have conversation and time which are very precious indeed to person who is always multitasking and on the go.

An example would be when I am shopping at the local the WalMart there is a Heavenly Angel on here on Earth named Brenda who is greeter that works the door. She is truly anointed and I could be annoyed, pissed, throwed off in some kind of way and when Brenda is that door and I enter into her presence my mood instantly changes and I can feel the Spirit of God move around me. I can’t really explain it except for how I just did.

I am not sorry for the battle of depression that I am fighting. I am not sorry for the trials and tribulations that I am going through, because they are making me smarter and stronger. I am not sorry for the way I raised or by whom, because being raised in generational home in a small town (Tyler, TX) was the greatest thing in (beside having my kids) my life!  Having my grandfather and Uncle Sunny in the same house growing up was special and being able to have my momma in the same house for 7 years  in our home was a blessing to my kids and myself. Yes, he hated after a while ( read yesterday blog to find out why), but my kids and momma now have a special unbreakable bond because of it!

OUTCAST

“Be nobody’s darling;
Be an outcast.
Take the contradictions
Of your life
And wrap around
You like a shawl…”

— Alice Walker

The contradictions of my life include walking around on a daily basis wearing a mask. Today I was in Pinterest and I found a quote by the Joker that states “Give a man a mask and he’ll become his true self.”  I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago while being stationed in Georgia.  I wore (and wear) that mask to this day ~ there are days where I just don’t want to deal with life, people, myself so I put on my mask and run on autopilot. I smile when I have to, say the right thing,  do the right thing, take care my kids, do the dishes, etc when all I want to do is hide in my bed and sleep  under my covers all day or better yet lay in the lap of my momma or my Grams and have on them rub my temples as we watch tv and eat tea cakes and drink milk.

I am not sure that if I ever had postpartum depression or not as I was completely happy being pregnant and I was fine after they born even though I was home alone  after each birth since he had go fight overseas in Iraq and Afghanistan. Don’t get me wrong I knew that when I met him and he was in the Army what I was signing up for, but I never wanted kids at that point. It wasn’t until moving on post and living on Ft. Hood and seeing all those  women with kids and babies after a year or so that I got hit with the baby bug.  Then once he was home on leave I told him I wanted a baby. The funny thing is that is around the time my MIL said that we should not have kids our own (he has two already) and frankly I was so out down from comment I just walked out their house called my bestie in Austin to vent!

Well, anyway we tried for a year the old fashion way and nothing was happening and I cried every single day. I so many pregnancy test under my bathroom cabinet and each time it came back negative the more my spirit was crushed. That is when we went to the doctor to get tested and it was determined that the reason we were not getting pregnant was because of me. Could you imagine how I felt? As a woman that I can do the ONE thing I was put on this Earth to do I can’t!

I am guessing that is when I started to wear my mask.  I had to start taking pills and stomach injections (TriCare does not pay for other infertility methods) and then we went on leave to visit his family here in Louisiana and we visited our church  Zion Hill. It was then that Pastor Joshua Joy Dara Sr. preached a sermon about  Hannah and her need to have a son. About how she was mad fun of by her sister wife who many children. And how her husband who loved her more than anything; yet the one thing he could not give her was a child. Then one day she took her desire to the alter and the minister saw her talking to God, but he thought she was drunk because there were no words coming from her mouth. So he told her stop drinking and go home and sober up.. she told him she was not drunk but pouring out her heart to God and he told her continue. (1 Samuel 1:9-28New Living Translation (NLT) After we got back on base I prayed that prayer word for word and year and half later I got pregnant with our daughter! I still had to use science, but God was the one that blessed us not once but twice! Because I prayed that prayer again and two years later I pregnant with twin boys!

It wasn’t until we moved to GA that I started wearing the mask, because he was always gone either in the field training, deployed, doing things at church (he is also a ordained minister) it was like he would find things to stay away from home. Work was something he had no control over, but the rest he could say no too, but he chose not too. Granted, he would ask if he could go do something and if it looked like I was going to form my lips to say no I could see his mood change. So I would say go ahead and have fun. Most time he would not even ask he would not come home he just go after work to whatever thing was happening then come home afterwards. I raised our kids alone so that changed me alot, my guard went up, the mask went on, and things changed. In GA I had a few friends, but only one that would come over and hang out with me and we could goof off and chill out. She would bring her kids and my kids would play while we talked and did played on the Wii LOL…

My saving grace was when he invited my mother to move in with us. It was his downfall and that I do believe was when it really caused my depression to deepen, because he would put me in the middle of their arguments and want me to put her out on the streets and I refused to do so. He would quote the Bible about “husband and wife becoming one” and I would tell him how the Word saying “children are supposed to take care of their parents in their old age.” and that would just set off and only cause me to retreat more inside myself.

This caused me to reach out to psychologist and my on post pcm for help. Talking to someone helped and my pcm put me pills that helped for a while, but now they not really helping at all. Of course now that he is retired I have to talk my new pcm because now I am tired all the time no matter what time I go bed, I live on automatic, I have constant migraines that my neurologist can’t diagnosis, I wake up with neck pain. I stay in prayer not for just for me, but others. Despite that I hate this town because it’s small, has not life, so closed off, my family and friends are not here, no jobs and the only bright light is my church Zion Hill.

Oh did I mention that the house we rent the roof leaks and we have told the owner I don’t know many times and each person she has sent over has either lied to her said nothing is wrong and did not go on the roof (none stayed and talked to us) or they did go up for five seconds said they could not find anything. Did you look? Nope you didn’t!I sent her pictures and she asked me what was it I sent her… I said these are buckets in my office catching rain leaking from roof… no reply back…..Therefore, we just gave up on getting it fixed. I am waiting for it cave and fall in ruin all my shoes, both laptops, tv, clothes, etc so that she replace it all. It will cost her a lot mula, cash, dinero, duckets, dolla dolla bills ya’ll!

Through it all the mask is on… and rarely comes off!

ADVICE

See the world. It’s more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.

Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.

— Ray Bradbury

 

Here’s what I would bring my eye for adventure, appetite for new things, love for people and of course my three beautiful kids. I would also bring along my jewelry case of Chloe and Isabel merchandise and my Younique make up bag because I have to shine and have flawless face everywhere I go just in case I happen to meet my celebrity crush. You know Johnny  Depp, Denzel Washington, Viola Davis, Tamela Mann…but especially Johnny Depp (hint hint wink wink)

I want to see everything and experience everything. I recently met a guy that lives in Germany. But not Germany proper he lives in Kiel on the Baltic Coast. I had to Google this area this area of Germany because I am not familiar with it at all, but once I did I instantly fell in love! It is surrounded by water. He personally lives 300 meters from the water. He told me that the Baltic actually (the pictures confirms it) flows right through the city!!! It is very beautiful from what I can tell from the pictures and how he describes it. He even sent me a aerial shot from Google of his home. While the apartments or houses are very close together it is still beautiful and I would love to live there even it is just for short time.

Here’s what I would leave behind everything negative and that would hinder me enjoying my voyage. I want to travel in peace and have complete and utter joy on my trip. I don’t want anyone or thing take my peace of mind either. Those are 2 things I am not willing to give up on my travels therefore I will leave all negative energy, people, things,etc back here in the states and take off with a wing and prayer.

Now this is totally off topic but as we nearing the end of the month I am being challenged (I am hoping to win to custom purse, wallet and watch AND special Younique make up case) if I can sell 10 or more Flawless Four bundles… You can have flawless face in under 5 minutes who does not love that?  www.youniqueproducts.com/fergaliciouscandi

 

CARRYON

“My dream is to walk around the world. A smallish backpack, all essentials neatly in place. A camera. A notebook. A traveling paint set. A hat. Good shoes. A nice pleated (green?) skirt for the occasional seaside hotel afternoon dance.”

― Maira Kalman

 

What’s your biggest travel dream?

My biggest dream travel is to go to Europe, Asia and Africa. Going to Africa is given because I want to trace my roots from my Grams cousin who was a slave all the way back to the motherland. I to find out what tribe we descend from so that I can pass that knowledge on to my children. I have always believed that if you do not know where you come from you will not know where you are then how will know where you are going? In other words you have to know your past, in order to know your present, so that you can know and determine your future.

Going to Asia is some place that I have dreamed of for sometime because I already love the food, I have love for Korean pop music and dramas. I have done some research on Korea, China, and Japan as places to visit (and perhaps live) for a while. I think having my kids at their young ages experience different cultures, food, educational styles, and people will go along way for them to understand how the world works.

Travelling to Europe would start in Germany and I would travel all over Europe. I would make a special trip to Paris where I would like to linger and enjoy every touristy site I can see. I want taste and see everything in Paris and if I happen to bump into Johnny Depp then my life would have been worth living (outside of my kids)!!! I have followed his career and loved him since he was uncover cop on 21 Jump Street! I am not sure how he does it, but he gets better looking with age and he does not rate in the sexy meter! Why? because he broke the meter LOL!!

TREASURE

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

— Paulo Coelho

The gifts within these wounds include my kids. They are soul reason I live and breath. Granted they can and do get on my last damm nerve my life has never been truly complete until I got pregnant with them. I never knew what true love was until I felt each of one them kick inside my belly and that day I saw them for the very first time.

I can remember the first time I held them, smelled their breath, they wrapped their tiny fingers around mine, when I changed their first poopy diaper that did not smell by the way LOL.

There is pain before pleasure in parenting….there is pain in raising them, but there is joy there too. The emotions are scattered sometimes when it comes to raising kids that are 2 years apart. Especially, when your daughter thinks she is the queen of the house and has a mouth that never stops.

I only wish they got the quiet gene from me, but they didn’t. Unlike me they (all 3) are loud, boisterous, like their dad and my mother. However, just like me they are bright, rays of sunshine, and their laughter melts my heart everytime. All I want for them is to see that life is worth living and living more abundantly. That they do not have to shackled to a 9-5 job unless they want to be. That having a great education is a must in order for them get any where in this world. That I want them to see the world ~ to just jump on a train, plane, or drive across country and actually experience life through the eyes of different cultures.

I want them to know that God is real.. Not just because I say so, but because they know it for themselves.

So hearing them calling me mommy lights my hearts on fire. So that is my treasure in a nutshell!

BAGGAGE

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go;

simply for the reason that they are heavy.”

― C. JoyBell C.

Stuff I wouldn’t mind leaving at the baggage claim area forever is this darkness that I have within me. It is something that comes and goes in droves. I think about all things that were promised to me and I have yet to get. I think of all the dreams that are deferred. The dreams that have been cast aside… and I mourn the dreams that are dead.

It is hard to feel when you feel dead inside and your movements are on auto pilot and no one notices. The one that promises to love you forever does not see the hurt or depression or the automation, but your online friends hear in your voice or see it in your eyes when your doing a video. What does that say about him? Or about them?

When you wake up solely because you have kids and they are the only reason you live and breath. You pray and pray and all that you are hearing is “not yet”… and you keep asking “ok when?” The stress is giving your migraines and stomachs aches.

Living with the pain has become the norm for me. Late nights, little to no sleep, praying and waiting for the come up and the follow through…Until then

SOUL-SMASHING

“It’s hard to go. It’s scary and lonely…and half the time you’ll be wondering why the hell you’re in Cincinnati or Austin or North Dakota or Mongolia or wherever your melodious little finger-plucking heinie takes you.

There will be boondoggles and discombobulated days, freaked-out nights and metaphorical flat tires.

But it will be soul-smashingly beautiful… It will open up your life.”

― Cheryl Strayed

I wished I were anywhere but here actually simply because there are no jobs here and my family and friends are not here. Granted, my family is dysfunctional, but we are close and loving group of people.

All I have left is my mother and brother (and his kids), my cousin and aunt. I am no one granddaughter anymore and both of my uncles are gone. One of my aunts is just estranged from us from us for her own reasons.

I am from Austin, Tx, and I am Texas born and breed gal so living in a small town like Pineville is a frankly kinda creepy and really boring. When a big city girl and your marry a small town boy this is what happens.

I hate it here and there is nothing that I want more than to more to the big city, but Doc hates the city and would not move from here to save his life or the life of his kids. Whenever, he has to drive through a big city he complains about the size, the traffic, just everything..

Everything he hates about big cities I love the noise, the traffic, the size, diversity, soul, food everything that is missing in small town swamps. Granted I grew up in Tyler, TX and it was a small town that had a big city feel to this little girl. I can never live there again due to my house is gone on North Grand Ave..It was sold shortly after my grandfather died… Plus, I seriously doubt that anyone that I grew up with would still be living there LOL.

Oh to be back in Texas anywhere in that great state living, learning, working, loving with my family… It is not like we hang out with his family on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.. I love them deeply however, upon retirement the agreement was to move to Texas may not of been Austin, but Texas none the less…

Yet, I am here….

LOST

“Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger…”

― David Wagoner

Right now I am trying to live in here and now, but I find it hard because I have no support system to believe in my hopes and dreams. I spend my days creating content for my business when I am not running errands, helping my kids with homework, planning a lesson plan for Bible study or something – I really have no life outside of my kids. I have no friends here of my own like I do back home that know my story.

It is easy to get caught up in Pinterest and I can spend hours on finding things to put on my boards or use as content for my Younique or Chloe+Isabel businesses.  I find the recesses of my mind comforting and sometimes dark – the darkness has become a very good friend to me. I find myself talking to my Grams or to Mek in my dreams wondering what Heaven is like… Asking about family and friends that I have lost along the way. I look in the mirror and glint and glitter in my eyes are gone and at the moment I notice that I don’t talk to God as much as I used too.

I need to find my way home in my mind, heart, and soul…I need to find my way back to talking to God so that get peace beyond understanding. #brokencrayonstillcolor however this one at the nub to where if you use it one more time it will disappear altogether.