If I centered myself and accepted it, then

“Of all the paths you take in life,

make sure a few of them are dirt.”

— John Muir

I would be on the path to true happiness. I would have to say one of the happiest memories I have was when I a child was me and my brother walking home from school through the dirt path from Griffin Elementary. It was red dirt and rock path that would lead to our house that was shared with our grandfather, uncle and mother. Living in a generational home was the best way to grow up for me and I wanted that for my kids. I had that for a while when my mother lived with us for awhile in GA, but I was always caught in a rock and hard place because she and my husband could never get along.

They would always place me in the middle of their fights there began the descent of my depression and deep despair. It got the point I never wanted to get out bed and when I did I was autopilot.  If it were not for my kids I do not know if I would not have sought help at all, but I did and was placed on medication. However, now that medication in my opinion does not work anymore and I rely on prayer. But the devil is really good because there are times he will have believe that God does not hear my prayers or want to hear from me.  I know devil is a liar.

I want to take some time to thank God for those that truly care and those that reach out to me because they love me. They know who are they are so I don’t have to name them. Just know that I love you and I thank God for you.

To Mek I love you and I miss you very much I now understand why you did what you this past Thanksgiving. I saw the dullness in your eyes, the lost look and pain your eyes and your soul and I should have reach out, but I did not reach out. I think you every day and night  and I pray that one day God will bless us to be together again soon in his time frame. I see your beautiful smile every day on my phone since I made you a screen saver. It lights up my day and reminds me to smile and think about what I have here… my kids and the joy they bring me even when they are getting on my nerve LOL!

I smile when I think of being with Grams, grandfather, and Uncle Sunny again. I look their pictures every day remembering all the times growing up and how special those times are to me now. How greatful I am to have those memories of you all! No One can take those from me ~ those memories are my true happy place and where I go in my mind when I fall in that damn rabbit hole of depression.

I found this word on Instagram: Ataraxia ~ A state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety; tranquility.

Ahhh that is what I am seeking… however, the true question is will I ever find it?

At this moment I really do not really know…. how sad is that?

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