“I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new, and that is ultimately good for the artist.”
— Billy Joel
We were stationed in GA. I was in our bedroom when I realized that wore several hats Army wife, mother, minister’s wife, you name it I was doing it. I could not schedule anything for myself because my schedule rotated around my husband’s. I really had no life in GA and hardly no friends ~ so I was secluded in our house with the kids and my mother.
My only outing was taking my mom to the doctor, grocery shopping, taking my oldest to head start – you know regular mom duties. That is when it hit it… I somewhere along the way on the journey I was walking lost myself. I got so wrapped up in being a wife and mother.. I lost who I was.
It did not help that when my mom moved in that she and my husband did not get along and would place me in the middle of their fights only to drive further into depression and despair. The funny thing is one that is supposed to love you the most never even noticed how low and in what a dark place I was in and for how long I was in it that place. The only one that noticed was my mother no matter how hard I tried to mask it.
I finally talked to someone about the pain, the depression, the despair, the evil thoughts and I have been meds for them ever since. I still wear a cleverly placed mask at times and I still take the meds. I have my moments to this day where I sink down the black rabbit hole and he never realizes nor does he care that he places his foot on his head and keeps pushes me further down and if I didn’t have my faith, family and friends and of course I have three very special reasons to stay on this side of the top soil ~ my children.
Today, (as I write this and laugh to myself) I think I may need to find someone to talk to again. My Military Wives on Facebook is very comforting since we all have spouses with PTSD and anger issues. However, when you become more introverted as I have where you just seek to comfort of your own space because you just like the solitude and I never know who is going to walk through the door.
I find myself missing who I used to be and with saying that I have no clue who I am so who in the hell will I become?