I want to say yes to

MANIFESTO

“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees.

Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here.

Believe in kissing.

― Eve Ensler

I want to say yes to finishing my masters degree in education, building my dream home in (plantation style home), with a rose garden, and veggie garden. Celebrating 20 yrs with my husband and renewing our vows. I enjoy sitting in my office reading, watching tv, writing, creating content for my boutiques.

I would love for him to just once kiss my forehead and say something really sweet. Or find a babysitter and take me on date  to someplace nice where have to get dressed up and go to dinner after and maybe a movie. Perhaps go for a few weeks without blowing up at me or the kids. PTSD aside I think he is becoming like his dad and repressing some of his emotions therefore – solitude is my only friend here.  I have to wonder if moving here was to separate me from family and friends back home. I doubt it, but sometimes you never really know.

He has a good hear but he like I is bit jaded due to being hurt in the past. But I have never been one to lash out for no reason or  just curse in front of my  mom or kids. For that matter at all. #greatdad #goodboyscout #goodmechanic He does seek help and he does care. I do love him…

This ending was the beginning of

FIRE QUEEN

Was my beginning or so I thought.  This process is one that is going to take some time for me because as I am slowly seeing it is more about me appreciating finding out how to to love me, falling in love with me so that I can appreciate him and fall in love with him. This way we can appreciate each other more than we did as newly weds or even when we were dating. I think our best days were when when he was deployed because I missed him and I knew how much he meant to me and my life. He knew how much I meant to him and what it meant love someone that he lose at any moment being in the desert with bombs going off around him.

I remember waiting by the phone and keeping my laptop on at all times so that I could talk to him on messenger. It was the highlight of my day to hear from him and pure hell when I when I didn’t. Now, I am here living in a bubble of migraine hell and my safety and sanity is my office or my truck. What kind of life or marriage is that?  #dontjudge Yes I love him and yes I am still in love in with him #30daystochange This is change me which in turn will change him and us. #Godwilling We shall rise like the Phoenix from the ashes to be better than ever!